Saturday, November 5, 2011


Do you ever lie in bed at the end of the day, replaying the conversations you had and the things you did and said, just to make sure you didn't say anything or do anything stupid?

I don't always do it. But on days when I've been out of my comfort zone I do tend to.... check myself.

Take today for instance. I went to the baby shower of a friend. I suppose I felt a little uncomfortable to begin with because I really like this woman, but am not very close with her. To be honest I kind of felt a little odd to be invited. She is a truly lovely person, but because of life stuff we've never been super-close. So I was a little 'off' because of that. Then I managed to arrive late, so I felt uncomfortable, because there is nothing worse than walking into a room where everyone is settled, and feeling totally out of place. Plus, I wouldn't really say that there were any of my close friends at the shower. There were plenty of women who I like, and who I see often.... but they are all more acquaintances that people I can be completely myself with (if that makes sense?).

For instance, when my close friends come over, they can arrive no matter how I or the house looks. When these people come over, I make sure I look okay and I give my house the once-over first. I don't necessarily want to be like that, but it's something I can't seem to shake.

When I'm feeling a bit out of place I tend to do one of two things..... talk too much or not enough. (I'm guessing that's probably pretty common) I ended up talking to a few different ladies, but I really struggled striking up and keeping up conversations with people who I hardly knew at all.

So tonight, my mind's on rewind and replay.

I just keep running over everything that happened and everything I said and did and making sure I didn't do anything wrong. Wondering how this was perceived. Hoping nobody saw that.

This might make me sound like such an insecure person. But I really don't think of myself as insecure. I am pretty okay with me. And in my own circle I am comfortable. But when I'm out of my comfort zone I do tend to over-analyze my behaviour.

I don't even know what I hope to achieve by it. It's not like I can go back and erase things from people's memories or anything. But I just... watch myself. Judging, critiquing. I've long known that we are our own harshest critics most of the time. But it's a habit that I find hard to break.

Maybe that's why blogging holds so much appeal. You can hit save, and think about things before you let the world see it. And even in conversations on other social media platforms there is often an edit or delete button. Real life can be much trickier.

Tonight I'm trying to shut myself up. Because I know that things really aren't that important. And everybody else is busy with themselves without dwelling on me. But still, my mind's on constant replay. So tell me, am I alone, or do you do this too?


  1. I know exactly what you mean, only I don't wait till bed before I start analyzing, I start the minute I am alone.

  2. You're not alone! Someone wiser than me told me recently that it was like a form of grief, the bargaining stage, where you start to think, "Maybe I should have said that, done that, spoken to her, not stayed so long speaking to X..." "Maybe I should have said more, said less..." On and on, as if our pondering over it can change anything.

    I've also been told it's all about the illusion of control, trying to imagine what would have been a perfect way of behaving, when in reality how we appear to others is just as much about them, who they are and what they're going through, as it is about us.

    I hope you don't shut yourself up, Robyn. I've actually been out looking for bloggers who review books by contemporary Australian woman writers, only to stumble on a hold world of talented young women mothers out here, sharing your honesty, supporting and encouraging one another. It's a wonderful thing to see.

    If you - or Rhianna, or whoever might read this - happen to know of any Aussie book bloggers (of any kind) among your friends, I'd appreciate it if you could point me in their direction.

    Thanks for your post, and your honesty.

  3. I am the same, often replaying the events of the in my head as I lie in bed if something doesn't sit right with me. Sometimes it's just that night, but sometimes I get caught in this big loop and it can last for days, weeks or even months if it REALLY doesn't sit right with me. I don't know why I do it either, it's not like it helps or changes anything. Reading seems to help a bit, it's a nice escape into someone else's story.

  4. I will also put my hand up here and say yep me too. I often rewind conversations in my mind and feel anxious for now good reason. This has only started since I become a mum and now I feel bad that I have so many half conversations and forget to ask friends things that I meant to.

    And yep. That's why blogging is great! Great post Robyn. xx

  5. Yep I do it all the time too. And then I feel stupid and angry and start telling myself off and it becomes this crazy, bitter wheel I can't ge off. Very hard to shake sometimes.

  6. Yep, me too. I find it really stressful keeping up conversations coz I'm afraid of saying too much or too little. But you know what, I think we're all so busy worrying about ourselves that we don't have time to think about those we're conversing with! :) I'm trying to relax and just be myself, but it's really hard to do when you want to fit in. Julie


Thanks for stopping by, I would so love to hear your thoughts!

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