Mea culpa

This week has been... tough. On Monday I did the one hour diabetes test, and failed.

Now I am a classic overachiever. I don't think I've failed many things in my life. So suffice to say I am extremely unhappy. That's why I haven't been blogging much this week. Generally when there is bloggy silence and I'm not away, it means I have a post to write, but it's not ready to be written. I find it hard to just write anything when I've got something to say, but am having trouble saying it.

I was going to wait until I found out if I actually did have gestational diabetes or not. But I've decided to write the post now.

I am angry, so unbelievably angry. At me. Mea culpa.

I know, I have always known that I was at high risk for gestational diabetes (and diabetes in general). My Dad was diagnosed with it when he was in his mid forties, and my family has never been stick insects. We like food, and food likes us. We have wonderful genes if we were ever in a famine, but not so-wonderful genes in this first-world nation that is littered (literally) with food. My sisters and I have all always struggled to keep our weight down. I lost 10kg before Georgie was born, and was at my fittest ever, going to the gym nearly every day.

But fitness is so easy to lose. And weight so easy to gain. I told myself I would get myself properly back in shape when I weaned Georgie. I tried to stay healthy while pregnant with her, but then I was having trouble losing weight while breastfeeding. I was also not trying as hard as I could have been. So when I got pregnant while Georgie was 9 months old I was not in peak physical condition.

I have not been healthy during this pregnancy either. I told myself I wasn't doing too badly, but I had all but stopped exercising, I was eating too much, and I was not eating great food. I told myself I would get it off after I had this baby. I said it was too hard to exercise and eat well while I was pregnant with a baby/toddler.

I was lying. To myself and to anyone else who would listen. And really what does it matter? Even if I do have a great excuse, the best in the world... it doesn't matter when I get diabetes. Excuses mean nothing to heart disease or kidney failure. It's up to me. Whether it's easy or hard. It's on me.

And I forgot that, or chose to ignore it. So now I am angry at myself, I'm disappointed, I'm guilty, I'm worried and I am ashamed. Mea culpa.

I know that gestational diabetes is also a hormonal thing, and I know there are many women who are very healthy who still get it. Women who have done nothing to deserve it. But I wasn't. I had risk factors. And while I was careful while pregnant with Georgie, I have not been this time. Knowingly and willingly I waltzed down the path of self-destruction. That's the truth.

I must admit I'm also a little upset, because while I am overweight, I'm not obese. I may be large but I'm not huge. There are other women who are much larger than me who seem to never have problems, and I think "Why me? It's not fair!" But things like sickness and disease rarely are.

Today I took the proper two-hour test. Now we wait. I don't want to have gestational diabetes. I don't want to add another risk to the growing list that could see me one day with fully-blown diabetes. I want to be healthy because it is my choice, not because I have no choice. I want to be able to eat a cupcake at a special occasion without taking medicine. I want to be able to be careful and healthy, but not have to follow a rigid, no-exceptions, regime. I'm just scared.

I'm frightened too not just for what this could mean for me, but for this baby. I feel so guilty that I haven't been taking care of it the way I should have. This baby needs good healthy food, not the junk that I have been peddling. I don't want this baby to be too big because I couldn't control myself. I am grateful that I live in a world where good practices take place to ensure that this baby is not too big. But I still just don't want this.

I'm also scared that this could mean that I can't have this baby here at home. Our local hospital is a low-risk unit, so if my diabetes is severe they will not let me stay. Plus I have the added complication of having high blood pressure in a previous pregnancy. I just really wanted this baby to be able to come in it's own time, where I could labour at home for a while first. I wanted things to be easy. I do not want to have to go to the city for four weeks and get induced..... but really, all I want is a healthy baby.

I know it's not the end of the world. I know I may not even have this disease yet. And even if I do, I know there are many people who live very happy, fulfilled lives with diabetes. But I'm still sure that if you asked every one of them if they could chose not to have it, they would.

So that's it. I am waiting for results. But now I am determined to be healthier. I pray that this is just a wake-up call, and I can change things before it is too late.

It is SO happening....

image taken from here

I am quite proud of myself.

Georgie is eleven and a half months now and has been breastfed for the entire time. It hasn't always been easy. I had trouble in the beginning (don't most of us?) and then had some huge problems with thrush, but we got through. And I even kept breastfeeding her through the first three months of this pregnancy. Something which I wasn't sure I could do. It's been hard, but I was aiming to get her to 12 months. So I feel pretty good about that.

But now I really want my body back.

I'm tired. I think being pregnant and breastfeeding is taking a lot out of me, and I just want to have a break. I think if I wasn't pregnant and didn't know that I'll be feeding a newborn again in six months time, I might have waited. I was even thinking about maybe going a bit longer and letting Georgie wean herself. Not, you know forever, but maybe to like fifteen months or so? But now, I just really, really want to stop.

The problem however, is that my little girl, she loves her some boobies. She would feed all the time if I let her. She has three feeds a day, and while she did sleep through for a little while at eight months, now, she will wake up at least once for a feed at night (and sometimes much, much more often). And I need to stop. It hurts (oh! it hurts) especially at night. I thought for a while it was the thrush coming back, but we treated that and it persisted. So now I'm thinking it must just be me.

But the problem is, I don't know how to wean her. She will not touch a bottle. She never has. And that's partly my fault because I never really bothered trying. She won't even drink from a sippy cup very much. I've started trying to get her used to straws, and now she's drinking water pretty well from a straw.

I've been trying to cut down her feeds, but she's been sick, and not herself, and so I find it hard because when she's sick, she just wants to nurse. I'm really scared that I'm going to have to go cold turkey on her, but I cannot stand the thought of having her scream for days when I know I could fix it. I'm also not keen on what it will do to me. My Mum had to do that with my oldest sister, and I know it will only be a few days, but I just don't want to do it. Especially because lately she seems to just be going from cold to cold, plus, I'm still a bit sick, plus, Shane's away a lot in the next few weeks.

My goal was to get her drinking from something else, which I've done with the straw, then stop the night feeding, and then just do it gradually. But it's the night feeding that's the sticking point at the moment. She wakes up, and will scream and scream and scream if I don't go to her and feed her. I can't just be near her or pat her. I must feed her. She's just so strong and has so much stamina! And you know how their crying always seems so much worse in the dead of night?

I'm a bit stuck. I've decided that it is happening. I need to do this, soon. I was thinking about trying to do it gradually over the next two weeks before she turns one, and I was just going to give her cows milk, I figure she's close enough to being one now that it will be okay. But I still just don't really know how to go about it. So I thought I'd send out an SOS. How did you wean your babies? And how do you think I should go about weaning mine? Because she is haarrd. And I am tired. So, ideas? Please?