Mea culpa

This week has been... tough. On Monday I did the one hour diabetes test, and failed.

Now I am a classic overachiever. I don't think I've failed many things in my life. So suffice to say I am extremely unhappy. That's why I haven't been blogging much this week. Generally when there is bloggy silence and I'm not away, it means I have a post to write, but it's not ready to be written. I find it hard to just write anything when I've got something to say, but am having trouble saying it.

I was going to wait until I found out if I actually did have gestational diabetes or not. But I've decided to write the post now.

I am angry, so unbelievably angry. At me. Mea culpa.

I know, I have always known that I was at high risk for gestational diabetes (and diabetes in general). My Dad was diagnosed with it when he was in his mid forties, and my family has never been stick insects. We like food, and food likes us. We have wonderful genes if we were ever in a famine, but not so-wonderful genes in this first-world nation that is littered (literally) with food. My sisters and I have all always struggled to keep our weight down. I lost 10kg before Georgie was born, and was at my fittest ever, going to the gym nearly every day.

But fitness is so easy to lose. And weight so easy to gain. I told myself I would get myself properly back in shape when I weaned Georgie. I tried to stay healthy while pregnant with her, but then I was having trouble losing weight while breastfeeding. I was also not trying as hard as I could have been. So when I got pregnant while Georgie was 9 months old I was not in peak physical condition.

I have not been healthy during this pregnancy either. I told myself I wasn't doing too badly, but I had all but stopped exercising, I was eating too much, and I was not eating great food. I told myself I would get it off after I had this baby. I said it was too hard to exercise and eat well while I was pregnant with a baby/toddler.

I was lying. To myself and to anyone else who would listen. And really what does it matter? Even if I do have a great excuse, the best in the world... it doesn't matter when I get diabetes. Excuses mean nothing to heart disease or kidney failure. It's up to me. Whether it's easy or hard. It's on me.

And I forgot that, or chose to ignore it. So now I am angry at myself, I'm disappointed, I'm guilty, I'm worried and I am ashamed. Mea culpa.

I know that gestational diabetes is also a hormonal thing, and I know there are many women who are very healthy who still get it. Women who have done nothing to deserve it. But I wasn't. I had risk factors. And while I was careful while pregnant with Georgie, I have not been this time. Knowingly and willingly I waltzed down the path of self-destruction. That's the truth.

I must admit I'm also a little upset, because while I am overweight, I'm not obese. I may be large but I'm not huge. There are other women who are much larger than me who seem to never have problems, and I think "Why me? It's not fair!" But things like sickness and disease rarely are.

Today I took the proper two-hour test. Now we wait. I don't want to have gestational diabetes. I don't want to add another risk to the growing list that could see me one day with fully-blown diabetes. I want to be healthy because it is my choice, not because I have no choice. I want to be able to eat a cupcake at a special occasion without taking medicine. I want to be able to be careful and healthy, but not have to follow a rigid, no-exceptions, regime. I'm just scared.

I'm frightened too not just for what this could mean for me, but for this baby. I feel so guilty that I haven't been taking care of it the way I should have. This baby needs good healthy food, not the junk that I have been peddling. I don't want this baby to be too big because I couldn't control myself. I am grateful that I live in a world where good practices take place to ensure that this baby is not too big. But I still just don't want this.

I'm also scared that this could mean that I can't have this baby here at home. Our local hospital is a low-risk unit, so if my diabetes is severe they will not let me stay. Plus I have the added complication of having high blood pressure in a previous pregnancy. I just really wanted this baby to be able to come in it's own time, where I could labour at home for a while first. I wanted things to be easy. I do not want to have to go to the city for four weeks and get induced..... but really, all I want is a healthy baby.

I know it's not the end of the world. I know I may not even have this disease yet. And even if I do, I know there are many people who live very happy, fulfilled lives with diabetes. But I'm still sure that if you asked every one of them if they could chose not to have it, they would.

So that's it. I am waiting for results. But now I am determined to be healthier. I pray that this is just a wake-up call, and I can change things before it is too late.