I heart my body

I had a post all written and ready to go about our holiday, and all the stuff that went with it. But instead I crawled out of my self-imposed blog hibernation and caught up on what's been going on in the blogosphere and discovered that today is I heart my body day for 2011.

At first I checked out all the blogs that linked up and was like 'Wow, that is awesome but there is no way I could do that.' Because seriously, some bloggers are too attractive for their own good. But when I got into it properly and started reading what people were actually writing I decided to join in.

I cannot believe I am doing this. Because believe me when I say that I am not into photos. Have you noticed that I've never posted any belly shots of this baby? It's because I'm just not comfortable enough. In fact I have a hard time just posting photos of myself in general. I have long struggled with my weight. I don't think I am hideous by any means. But I know that I'm no supermodel, and I've just never been that comfortable with... me.

Especially now, being pregnant. Pregnancy is one of the times when I like how I look the least. Unfortunately I am not one of those women who gets a tummy and that's it. My bum gets much, much bigger and I get these horrid fat pouches on my sides that I really hate- I get bigger all over and I really struggle to feel attractive. Plus, I was not in the best shape before this pregnancy, so at the moment I am at my heaviest ever and I'm not loving it. I know I'm not a troll or anything, but I still just have trouble.

Kate's post was probably the one that really triggered it, although there are so many, many great posts out there. But she talked about her struggle with an eating disorder. Now, I rarely mention this. And my struggle was really nothing compared to that of so many others. I probably dipped my toe into the waters of bullemia without ever really plunging in head first. But suffice to say, I struggled. I really struggled with the way I looked in my teenage years.

I did classical ballet for 12 years. And I was never little. Looking back, I only realise now how normal I was. But unfortunately I was in a class with some really petite girls. There was never any real bullying. The girls were mostly lovely. And my dance teacher was (and is) a wonderful person when it comes to accepting people no matter who they are or how they come wrapped up. I have heard some horrendous stories about the things that can go on in the dancing industry and am so grateful that I never experienced them.

But I still felt enormous. I loved dance, but was never amazing at it. I had the joy but not the technique or the figure. So I was rarely in the front because I was 'tall' and I did not do solos with the male partners. I loved it, and would never take dancing away from my childhood. But it did damage me a little.

In grade 12 everything came to a head. I struggled badly with my friends. I stopped fitting in well with my group and was dealing with a few issues. And so I started experimenting with making myself throw up after eating. It didn't last very long. Fortunately I had a very clued in mum and boyfriend (Shane) who both picked up on it and helped me deal with it before it spiralled out of control.

But I know what it feels like to hate your body and be so terribly unhappy with the way you look. So this issue strikes a chord with me. I have loved reading all of the posts, but I have also been so sad at how many people still put themselves down. I hate whatever it is that's in us that makes us women feel so unhappy with the way we look. Because we are different. Not everyone will be a size 8. I wish I was, but really... If I was a size 8 I would look sick. I am never going to be tiny. But I can still be beautiful. Beauty comes in so many forms and is not restricted to a certain type or shape or colour or size.

So today I am going to heart some bits of my body, and tell you about it. I will not be posting fully bare photos like some of the braver bloggers. Because nobody sees me naked but my husband. But I will be brave by my standards and show some pictures of the things I heart.

First. I like my face.

Late night shot. Hair falling down. Sans make-up. But me.

It is mine. It has blemishes and it is probably never going to be in a magazine. But it is mine. And I think that I have quite a pretty face. I also like my hair. I must admit I dream of being a beautful brunette. I tried going dark a couple of times, but it just isn't me. I am blonde. And I like it. I like that my hair has a bit of curl in it, and I like that it is thick.

I like the fact that right now my body is growing a person. That is amazing. I do not understand how it happens. But I am blown away by what my body does.

Yes. It is a pregnant belly shot- albeit a dodgy one! I am 31-ish weeks along. (Maybe 32. I kind of forget.)

And finally, I really like my legs and my feet. I have always had nice legs and my feet were the only part of me that were ballerina-perfect. I had and still have an awesome natural arch and point that many ballerina's would love to have.

Check it. Awesome points. (With puffy ankles)

So there you have it. This is me. Hearting my body. Because it is mine. God created me this way. I could be fitter and healthier. But I live. And I am grateful for my body. For the wholeness and health that it has. For it's fertility, it's capability. I know that it is not all of me. I am more than just my body. I am my mind and my soul and my faith and my crazy and my stupid. But still, I like my body.