Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I just don't love you enough

Shane and I were talking today, and he mentioned how a work colleague of his is separating from her husband. We discussed how sad it was, (as you do) and then I started talking about how it amazes me that anyone can stay married, if they don't have God's help.

Now I wasn't saying it in a judgmental holier-than-thou way. But really, I just know I couldn't do it. When I was trying to explain what I meant to Shane, I said "I just don't love you enough."

There was a bit of a stunned silence, (whoops, did I just say that? It just popped out!) then we burst into laughter. But after we'd calmed down, I explained what I meant.

I love him, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I could quite happily be done, you know? I know there are things that we do, problems within our marriage, that would make other people walk away. The  idea of freedom is very appealing at times (the grass is always greener and all that). I have reasons (and he does too!) that would justify an exit from our relationship, in the eyes of the world.

However, because we love God, and our relationship has been woven using a cord of three strands, God's love helps to hold our relationship firm, when our love falters. He helps me to forgive, to hold my tongue when I so badly want to use it to wound. His grace and love is more than enough for us. It's not easy, sometimes marriage is crap, to be honest. But with God, I am committed to Shane. When my love isn't enough, His is.

I have no doubt that there will still be many, many obstacles to face. But I pray and trust that with God's help, we can see them through. Without God's help though? I have no idea how I would stay married, and I have no idea how other people manage it, so hats off to them.

Also, I'm pretty sure Shane's going to make me pay for that comment one day!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Just a crooked soul trying to stand up straight

So I think I may have lied before.

I said that Post-Natal depression was not my burden anymore. I blamed it on birth control, and said things will be better now, I'm fixed!

But I am terrified that I'm not.

I don't know if this is motherhood, or if this is whacked out hormones, or brain chemistry, or if I am just so tired.... or if this is me.

Things are better. The lows are not so low. But I am still struggling. I think, I know, I have too much on my plate. I don't know what to do about it. I feel foolish and weak. There are plenty of people I see who are doing so much more than I am, who can do so much more than I am. But I am just so weary. Everything about my life makes me tired.

I co-ordinate a playgroup, I help out with my church's monthly children's event, I attend bible study, Shane and I have just taken on the role as music directors of our church, I sing and lead worship at church, I have two small children and I am dodgy wife and friend and a a tired Mummy.

I need to figure out how to say no to the things that I don't want to do, so that I have the energy for the things I do want to do, and energy for the things that matter. I want to do, and be, and help, and act. I don't want to stand by the sidelines, silent and tired, while the world needs. But I cannot keep operating out of guilt.

I know that power that I am currently operating in, the fire that is keeping me going.... it's not the kind that lasts. I don't want to burn out. I need to open my eyes. I don't judge other people according to how busy and important they are, so why do I judge myself so much more harshly?

I love my family, and I love worship. But honestly? Child-related things just leave me cold. I used to love working with children. But I think at the moment, all of my kid-related energy is being poured into my own babies. I don't really like other people's children very much at the moment. And I need to let that be all right.

Mostly I am angry at myself. My babies are only going to be babies for such a little while. And instead of playing and laughing and taking them for walks to the park, or on playdates with friends, I am angry and tired and stressed. I am chivying them around to hurry up so we can get to a place we don't want to go, because I am always late. I am constantly down about the state of my house, because there is just so much to do and I never seem to have time to do any of it, and when I do have time I am lazy and on facebook, or watching TV.

I am tired of feeling tired and fat and unhealthy and sorry for myself.  I only have such a small time with them as babies, and I am too busy being busy or being lazy to enjoy it. I am the only person who can make things better. I need to do something.

I think I am okay. I just wanted it to be easy. I wanted to be better, like magic. But that's not the way it works I suppose. I don't want to give everything up, but I know I need to figure out how to live better.

Monday, March 18, 2013

The shadow proves the sunshine


We've been away for the past week. Shane had to spend a week in the city for work, so the kids and I (mostly I) decided to tag along.

We enjoyed many aspects of the city life. Amazing food, great scenery, catching up with an old school friend, and so many fun and exciting things to do. Georgie especially was huge fan of the boats.

There were a few things I didn't love about city life. The main things being traffic, entertaining small children in a very small apartment, negotiating lots and lots of stairs, and the fact that it takes so long to get anywhere! It meant that the kids ended up having lots of naps in the pram... and I ended up missing my nap time.

 By the end of the week I was craving room to breathe. But it was nice to have a change. We also got to stop off and spend some time with family on the way there and back, which was bit lovely. But this past week has been so full-on.... I think I need another break!

Friday, March 8, 2013

In which I discuss man's version of God

A week ago, Eden wrote a post, and in it she wrote about some of her experience with Christianity.

It broke my heart. And just made me so incredibly sad.

I love my church. I grew up here. It's my home. It's my family.

I watch my little girl dance around in church, and I know that it is one of her safe places, I see her get excited when she knows we are going to church and it makes my heart happy.

But, the thing about church, is that it is made up of people. God's people, yes. But people all the same. And people can be really stupid sometimes. People can be wrong.

Faith is between man and God. Religion is man's version (and at times, mess) of it.

There are many, many things I love about my church. But there are some things I don't.

However, it is the place I have chosen to call home, and put down my roots. At some point, I think you either need to make a decision to be in, or out. You can dance around the edges of it all, but that can sometimes just be a different kind of superiority really. And a coal that isn't in the fire may die. My church is my fire. I have made a decision and I will do my best to stick with it. I am not completely and wholly loyal to it, the way I am to God. If I had big, unresolvable problems with our practices or ideas I might have to find a new home. But right now it is mine.

I don't agree with every little thing that we do. But the thing is, it's we.... I am the church. The church hurts people, it does things wrong sometimes. I have been hurt and disillusioned by people in the church. But I am people in the church. I have hurt people too.

We make a big deal out of things we shouldn't. We place importance on things that are not important, and we ignore the things that matter.

What happened to Eden.... it was wrong. It shouldn't have happened. I am sure that it made God sad. And unfortunately, she isn't alone. There are people I know that have been hurt. There are things I watch us do, things that I do, that I am not 100% happy about. I worry that we are not the church God wants us to be.

But I am just trying to be the best church that I can.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Fly

Imagine you go to sit down with a cup of tea and a really great book. You have nothing you 'should' be doing, no stresses or things that are unsettling you. Your family is perfectly happy and safe, but are all otherwise occupied.

Things are perfect.

But as you sit down, sipping your tea and enjoying your book, a very large fly comes buzzing around the room you are in. It buzzes and and buzzes and buzzes around.

You become unsettled and distracted. And all of a sudden, it doesn't matter that every single other aspect of your life is perfect, because there is one thing that isn't, and all you can see is that damn buzzing fly that has destroyed your serenity.

You have three choices.

Option number one, is to get up and get rid of the fly.

Option number two, is to learn to live with it, and to simply ignore it and focus on all the other good things instead, which are still just as good as they were before the fly came into the room.

Option number three, is to let it ruin your perfect afternoon. Tell every person that walks in the door about the fly, and make sure they know how much it upsets you. Bring them down too, if you can. Make yourself unable to concentrate on anything else in your life, and follow the fly around for the entire afternoon, allowing it to consume your time, and your life.

What will you choose?

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