So I think I may have lied before.
I said that Post-Natal depression was not my burden anymore. I blamed it on birth control, and said things will be better now, I'm fixed!
But I am terrified that I'm not.
I don't know if this is motherhood, or if this is whacked out hormones, or brain chemistry, or if I am just so tired.... or if this is me.
Things are better. The lows are not so low. But I am still struggling. I think, I know, I have too much on my plate. I don't know what to do about it. I feel foolish and weak. There are plenty of people I see who are doing so much more than I am, who can do so much more than I am. But I am just so weary. Everything about my life makes me tired.
I co-ordinate a playgroup, I help out with my church's monthly children's event, I attend bible study, Shane and I have just taken on the role as music directors of our church, I sing and lead worship at church, I have two small children and I am dodgy wife and friend and a a tired Mummy.
I need to figure out how to say no to the things that I don't want to do, so that I have the energy for the things I do want to do, and energy for the things that matter. I want to do, and be, and help, and act. I don't want to stand by the sidelines, silent and tired, while the world needs. But I cannot keep operating out of guilt.
I know that power that I am currently operating in, the fire that is keeping me going.... it's not the kind that lasts. I don't want to burn out. I need to open my eyes. I don't judge other people according to how busy and important they are, so why do I judge myself so much more harshly?
I love my family, and I love worship. But honestly? Child-related things just leave me cold. I used to love working with children. But I think at the moment, all of my kid-related energy is being poured into my own babies. I don't really like other people's children very much at the moment. And I need to let that be all right.
Mostly I am angry at myself. My babies are only going to be babies for such a little while. And instead of playing and laughing and taking them for walks to the park, or on playdates with friends, I am angry and tired and stressed. I am chivying them around to hurry up so we can get to a place we don't want to go, because I am always late. I am constantly down about the state of my house, because there is just so much to do and I never seem to have time to do any of it, and when I do have time I am lazy and on facebook, or watching TV.
I am tired of feeling tired and fat and unhealthy and sorry for myself. I only have such a small time with them as babies, and I am too busy being busy or being lazy to enjoy it. I am the only person who can make things better. I need to do something.
I think I am okay. I just wanted it to be easy. I wanted to be better, like magic. But that's not the way it works I suppose. I don't want to give everything up, but I know I need to figure out how to live better.