I feel terrible, but to be honest it feels more like I've gotten on a roller coaster, and I'm mentally preparing for the ride because I know the earth is going to fall out from underneath us soon. It's difficult, when you know how much hard can be involved in a new baby, when you remember how much life gets disrupted, and when you are more aware than ever of just what can go wrong, and what you stand to lose if things do go wrong.
But I think I'm also forgetting the joy. The joy of the new little person, who is so fearfully and wonderfully made. My little people are growing up, and even though oftentimes I feel like I am mentally bashing my head against a brick wall, mothering them, I am realising I really like this age of independence, and quirky hilarity. Getting to know these tiny humans we've raised is so much greater than I imagined. But I also like the joy and wonder and sweetness of a newborn, and I am grateful to get the chance to do that again. Gotta make sure I don't let the fear cancel out the joy.
I am really hoping the second trimester energy will hit soon, and I will start to feel a little less knackered. Honestly, I've felt like a very crap mum these holidays. I've tried to do, but it is embarrassing how much Netflix my kids have watched in the last few days. I've been very much in bare minimum mode. My house is in a right state, and I am at the point where the folding isn't even on my radar. I hate it. But I am hoping that come next week with school and kindy starting back, I can play catch up a little. Because at least, for a few hours a day my poor kids will get stimulation that doesn't rely on me or television.
I know, I'm growing a human, and am allowed to be tired. And I can probably count on two hands the number of nights in the last five years that I've had a full, uninterrupted night sleep. But I also know just how checked out I have been, mentally. I'm not present, I'm on my phone. And I hate that. And I only have myself to blame. I want so much to parent, and love the way God intended me to. I need to be so much more disciplined. We are always our own biggest problems aren't we?
Anyway, I should be sleeping now. But I just wanted to check in. Keep a record. Get the thoughts out. That's where it is at the moment!