Monday, December 31, 2012

I love him so.

I could share and tell so much about Christmas, and our beach holiday.... but for now, can we please discuss something terribly important?

In a very few days, my baby boy will be one, and I am devastated! I don't even know how this is possible. This year has been one of the longest of my life. But my time with Charlie has gone by so fast. I adore that boy with every fibre of my being. I am fiercely passionate and protective of my son in a way I never imagined possible. I think it's been a bit unexpected because I wasn't too sure about having a boy child. But I am in love with him and I never imagined it would be like this.

I cling to him, in a way I never did with Georgie. Partly I think, because with Georgie I didn't realise just how quickly it would go. But I look at my amazing, capable, independent, two and a half year old... and she grew so darn fast. I think I was probably a bit preoccupied with pregnancy when Georgie was this age as well.

Also, if I am being completely honest here. I think for me, there is a knowledge that my boy will not be mine for very long. All too soon, he is going to be chasing his Daddy around, and then after that it will be girls, until eventually one day it will be one girl, and then he won't be mine anymore. I want it to happen. I know it must, and I would hate it if it didn't. But I understand that our relationship will change, and he will never need me as much he does right now. (This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I am contemplating weaning him right now too!)

With Georgie, it is different. I think a girl's relationship with her mother is a bit more unchanging, and constant. I feel like Georgie will always be mine, she will always need her mama. But with Charlie I get a bit scared that I will become obsolete. I am friends with my mother and am confident of being friends with my daughter. I am much less confident with Charlie. I guess I have seen and experienced really great examples of girls being friends with their mums. It is much less common to see a man having a good relationship with his Mother.... but I am going to work so hard to try and be Charlie's friend. For always.

He, more than anyone else, has kept me going this year. He has been the easiest baby. He is the baby mothers pray that they will have. I have been able to enjoy him in a way I never managed to enjoy Georgie. (No new-parent terror.) I cannot stop adoring him. This is also my absolute favorite age. From 9 months to about 14 months, I think children are amazingly fun. It was my favorite age group at work.

His gurgling chuckle. The way he crawls when he has something in both hands, or the way he crawls, stiff-legged, when he is naked on the grass. His beautiful pout. The way he sucks his thumb. The way he stands up, and claps for himself. The way he could walk if he wanted to, but chooses not to, because he is cautious. His cheeky grabbing hands.The way he and his sister play. The way he absolutely idolizes his Daddy. He is open and affectionate and everything he should be.

It is amazing and wonderful and terrifying and heart-wrenching and heart-warming and intense and awe-inspring and gratifying and exhausting and beautiful and complete, being this boy's mother.

I love him so.

Happy birthday my Charlie bug.

Love, Mama.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Time out

I know I have been a very neglectful blogger lately. For a variety of reasons. I've been busy, and I've been tired. So tired. Weary deep down to my bones and drained in a way I didn't know existed. I've basically been running on fumes for a while now.

I wouldn't say it's just physical. Yes, the kids exhaust me. That thing about children siphoning the energy out of their parents while they sleep? I believe it. But mentally and emotionally too. This year has tested Shane and I to the limit. He has had more responsibility and pressure from his work than I think he would have imagined possible this time last year. A lot of that has, naturally flowed on to me. So I have had to pick up more slack than ever, plus I've had a fair bit of my own stuff with my post-natal depression. I've felt like a single parent and a punching bag a lot this year.

But I can see the good. God has seen us through so much this year. And I think we have learned how to rely on him more than we ever had before. I have watched Shane be challenged and I've watched him grow, and learn how to face his problems with courage and integrity. He is not the same boy I married. I really admire the man he has become.

I have found a strength, wisdom and courage, a perseverance and forbearance inside myself that I didn't know existed. God has held me so closely this year and I am more grateful for my relationship with him than I can say. He really is good.

For now however, I am weary. I am looking forward to a bit of a rest and some time out. We will be spending some time at the beach before going to visit Shane's family for Christmas, and I don't anticipate writing another blog post until the New Year. I hope to get back into my writing much more next year. So, Thank you for following along with me this year, and I hope you have a Merry Christmas!


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Our God Reigns

Sometimes I have trouble understanding... anything. I look at what I know is in me, and the world, and I just have trouble liking any of it, you know?

I have trouble relating God to everything that happens in this world. Why there is so much pain, and hurt and confusion. I don't understand so much of it. It all seems too big, too much, too hard. And it just hurts.

But He.... is so much bigger, so much holier, so much greater, than we can imagine. He sees... he knows. And in spite of it all, or maybe even because of it, He is God.

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It's a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren't we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.

100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone's drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it's loaded with 'unsure'
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn't screw up when he made you,
He's a father who loves to parade you.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

29 and 11

I realised the other day that I haven't written too much lately about the kids. Which is a shame, because they are pretty great. So I thought I'd do an update on where my two cheeky monkey's are at lately.

Georgie. Where do I start? She is almost 2 and a half. She is bright and clever and independent. She is always a couple of steps ahead of me, and I swear some days I can just see the wheels turning in her little head. She is such a little mama. She 'mothers' poor Charlie to death at times, but she is also so incredibly helpful, and such a little mimic, and is terribly funny!


 She is on her way to being toilet trained, and wears undies almost all of the time now, and is only still in nappies when she sleeps. And oh, how she loves to swim! Every time we step foot in a pool I get comments about how good at swimming she is, how much she loves it, or how enthusiastic she is. I swear she is part dolphin. We have just started swimming lessons this term and she loves it! She is one of the very youngest in her class, but she holds her own with the bigger kids. She is getting very capable in the water now, and my only trouble is making sure she is not too capable. She does have a tendency to just jump in, whether someone is ready to help her or not! But she is a good little swimmer.


 She loves routine. She loves to dance, and is turning into a little chatterbox. She is also turning into a real little girl, loves to dress in 'pretty dresses' and is getting so beautiful. She is my girl, and she is lovely.

And Charlie. How I adore my boy! He is the most awesome little baby boy in the world!

He is so sweet, and cuddly. But he can also be a little ball of mischief as well. He is 11 months old now, (almost 1!) outgrowing a lot of his soft baby chubbiness and he is starting to get a lot more muscular. He is standing up on everything and his favourite thing to do is push around kitchen chairs, walking behind them and making a tremendous noise. He will be walking soon. He also LOVES  food with a passion, especially big people food!

 He is a practically perfect baby and has been sleeping the night through since he was about 6 months old. He has basically ruined me for another baby, should we ever have one. He tends to be quite cheerful most of the time, and rarely gets grumpy. Mind you, when he is grumpy he will sometimes hit and pull hair and lash out a little. His philosophy seems to be "If I'm unhappy, I'm going to tell the whole world about it and make them unhappy too!" It will be interesting to see if he sticks with that one as he gets older! It's definitely a good thing he is rarely cranky! Before I had him I wasn't too sure about being a mummy of boys, but he has made me so incredibly grateful to God for a son. Because I love this kid to bits.

We have been jogging along steadily. We are hanging out for holidays, and a break. This last week has seen a bit more limping (it's been a rough week). But for the most part, we are doing okay. I am doing much better, and my bad days are not so bad. And, though we have our struggles and our difficulties, life with these guys is pretty good.

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