Slow Me Down

Our holiday is almost over. We have left the beach (and yes, I am heartbroken). But we are in the city for a couple of days before we go home. And I just need to breathe....... just. stop. I thought I'd link this song by Emmy Rossum, because I love the film clip, and it's close to Sunday, so this can be my Sunday song.... and the song just seems very apt for me at the moment.


Our time away has been... eventful, to say the least. There have been some fantastic family moments, some hell-on-earth times too, but mostly it has been good. Georgie slept all night, every night we were away. I am so very, very grateful for that. I was not expecting it at all, because while she is a great sleeper, she has never had a great relationship with her port-a-cot and with places that are not her home. But she was fantastic. Her daytime sleeps were less good, and sometimes she was a bit out of sorts. But you can put up with an awful lot when your child gives you a solid 10-12 hours sleep every night. So it was good.


She does seem to have a bit of a tummy bug now at the moment. She has been super cranky and not sleeping well. Last night she was up from 11:30pm-3:00am and boy, am I feeling it today! I am far too spoiled when it comes to getting a good night sleep. I'm hoping that this bug is nothing serious and gets better quickly!


The biggest thing that has happened however, has been that Shane was offered a new job while we were away! We are a little stunned. He's been looking for the last month or so, and has has applied for a couple of jobs and had the interview for this one just before we left.


We just decided that it is time, for a number of reasons. The biggest being that he needs to be home. Our family needs him to have a job with more routine. He has also been going a little crazy sitting in a truck all day and really wants to do a job that challenges him and makes him use his brain. He has been offered a job with an international company which is expanding into Australia, and will be working in a Workplace Health and Safety capacity. He's been doing study in that area for a while and is really passionate about it. We are terrified of all the changes that lie ahead, but it's something that neeeded to happen. So we are hoping and praying that this is the right path for us to take. I'm also really glad that we took this holiday when we did, just before Shane will start a new job. The timing has been pretty great. It will be hard to leave the family buisness, but these things have to happen, and his parents are being pretty good about it all, which really helps.


I am starting to hit the home strecth in this pregnancy, (only 8 weeks to go) and am getting a bit uncomfortable and over it. But so far everything seems to be going well with this new little one. I was a bit worried about the baby being too big as I just seem to have no room. But at my last antenatel appointment they took a look and said that this little one is not too big- just very tall. So it must be a bit cramped in there!


I wish we could have gone straight home. I've reached the stage when I want to make sure everything is well organised for this little one, but we have staying here in the city for a few days because Georgie is having an echocardigram on Tuesday. Our doctor has heard what sounds like a heart murmur in Georgie the last few times we've seen her. So she is having some tests to see what this could all mean. I wasn't going to mention it. But this is a big thing, and is occupying a fair bit of my head-space right now. I am very scared, but I know that heart murmurs can be nothing to worry about. I am hoping that Georgie's will be a nothing-murmur. I just don't want anything to be wrong with my little girl's heart, you know? But I am trying to trust God with it all right now.


So, yeah. It's been a full-on time. I think God is really teaching us a lot about trusting in Him. It is hard to do, But as always, it's a work in progress. I'm actually looking forward to getting home and just stopping. It's funny how you can be home all the time and be desperate for a change, but then after you get one, you just need to go home and have normal again. I am looking forward to our last few weeks as a family of three, and hoping that maybe we can slow down for a very short while before things get very, very busy again!

I heart my body

I had a post all written and ready to go about our holiday, and all the stuff that went with it. But instead I crawled out of my self-imposed blog hibernation and caught up on what's been going on in the blogosphere and discovered that today is I heart my body day for 2011.

At first I checked out all the blogs that linked up and was like 'Wow, that is awesome but there is no way I could do that.' Because seriously, some bloggers are too attractive for their own good. But when I got into it properly and started reading what people were actually writing I decided to join in.

I cannot believe I am doing this. Because believe me when I say that I am not into photos. Have you noticed that I've never posted any belly shots of this baby? It's because I'm just not comfortable enough. In fact I have a hard time just posting photos of myself in general. I have long struggled with my weight. I don't think I am hideous by any means. But I know that I'm no supermodel, and I've just never been that comfortable with... me.

Especially now, being pregnant. Pregnancy is one of the times when I like how I look the least. Unfortunately I am not one of those women who gets a tummy and that's it. My bum gets much, much bigger and I get these horrid fat pouches on my sides that I really hate- I get bigger all over and I really struggle to feel attractive. Plus, I was not in the best shape before this pregnancy, so at the moment I am at my heaviest ever and I'm not loving it. I know I'm not a troll or anything, but I still just have trouble.

Kate's post was probably the one that really triggered it, although there are so many, many great posts out there. But she talked about her struggle with an eating disorder. Now, I rarely mention this. And my struggle was really nothing compared to that of so many others. I probably dipped my toe into the waters of bullemia without ever really plunging in head first. But suffice to say, I struggled. I really struggled with the way I looked in my teenage years.

I did classical ballet for 12 years. And I was never little. Looking back, I only realise now how normal I was. But unfortunately I was in a class with some really petite girls. There was never any real bullying. The girls were mostly lovely. And my dance teacher was (and is) a wonderful person when it comes to accepting people no matter who they are or how they come wrapped up. I have heard some horrendous stories about the things that can go on in the dancing industry and am so grateful that I never experienced them.

But I still felt enormous. I loved dance, but was never amazing at it. I had the joy but not the technique or the figure. So I was rarely in the front because I was 'tall' and I did not do solos with the male partners. I loved it, and would never take dancing away from my childhood. But it did damage me a little.

In grade 12 everything came to a head. I struggled badly with my friends. I stopped fitting in well with my group and was dealing with a few issues. And so I started experimenting with making myself throw up after eating. It didn't last very long. Fortunately I had a very clued in mum and boyfriend (Shane) who both picked up on it and helped me deal with it before it spiralled out of control.

But I know what it feels like to hate your body and be so terribly unhappy with the way you look. So this issue strikes a chord with me. I have loved reading all of the posts, but I have also been so sad at how many people still put themselves down. I hate whatever it is that's in us that makes us women feel so unhappy with the way we look. Because we are different. Not everyone will be a size 8. I wish I was, but really... If I was a size 8 I would look sick. I am never going to be tiny. But I can still be beautiful. Beauty comes in so many forms and is not restricted to a certain type or shape or colour or size.

So today I am going to heart some bits of my body, and tell you about it. I will not be posting fully bare photos like some of the braver bloggers. Because nobody sees me naked but my husband. But I will be brave by my standards and show some pictures of the things I heart.

First. I like my face.

Late night shot. Hair falling down. Sans make-up. But me.

It is mine. It has blemishes and it is probably never going to be in a magazine. But it is mine. And I think that I have quite a pretty face. I also like my hair. I must admit I dream of being a beautful brunette. I tried going dark a couple of times, but it just isn't me. I am blonde. And I like it. I like that my hair has a bit of curl in it, and I like that it is thick.

I like the fact that right now my body is growing a person. That is amazing. I do not understand how it happens. But I am blown away by what my body does.

Yes. It is a pregnant belly shot- albeit a dodgy one! I am 31-ish weeks along. (Maybe 32. I kind of forget.)

And finally, I really like my legs and my feet. I have always had nice legs and my feet were the only part of me that were ballerina-perfect. I had and still have an awesome natural arch and point that many ballerina's would love to have.

Check it. Awesome points. (With puffy ankles)

So there you have it. This is me. Hearting my body. Because it is mine. God created me this way. I could be fitter and healthier. But I live. And I am grateful for my body. For the wholeness and health that it has. For it's fertility, it's capability. I know that it is not all of me. I am more than just my body. I am my mind and my soul and my faith and my crazy and my stupid. But still, I like my body.

Holiday Fun......

We are on holidays and it is really good. There is something so calming and peaceful about the ocean isn't there? I just love it. We really, really needed this break. And Georgie seriously loves the waves....

Pink or Blue?

This pregnancy has been so different for a number of reasons. My morning sickness was different. With Georgie I was tied-to-the-toilet sick every night from week 8 until about week 14. With this baby, I was kinda-feeling-gross-all-day-but-not-too-bad for a few months, but it was definitely easier.

I was also a lot more conscious of being pregnant with Georgie, probably because she was my first and I wasn't so busy. Whereas this time, I almost forgot I was pregnant a lot of the time. This baby is a heck of a lot more active than I remember Georgie being. And it's sitting differently too, Georgie was quite low, but this baby feels permanently lodged in my ribcage. This pregnancy also feels like it's flown by. I am also so, so, so much more exhausted this time around. It's just different.

But the biggest difference I've found, is that I honestly cannot tell you whether I would rather have a boy or a girl. With Georgie, I wanted a girl. Oh, I wanted a girl. I said I didn't mind.... but I really, really wanted that girl. I think I was so scared of never getting to have a daughter. I watch my Mum with her girls, and I just really wanted that relationship. I was also worried about having all boys. Not that I didn't want a boy. But I know if I had to choose between having all girls or all boys, it would be girls. I wanted to play with dresses and skirts and hair and ribbons. I know girls. I grew up as one of four girls. My sister has three girls. Girls just seemed... easier.

But now, I don't feel quite so scared of boys. Maybe it's because I know now that I won't have all boys. I must admit the idea of boys is still a bit scary, probably because it's fear of the unknown. But at the same time, I would quite like to try it. I also really want Shane to have a son. I know it will be different, but I feel like I am a little more able to tackle the idea of a boy now.

However I just can't really say that I really desperately want this baby to be a girl or a boy. If we were stopping at two I might want a boy. But we are pretty sure that we will have more after this. I must admit at the moment I do not fancy the idea of being pregnant again, but I know in time I will be ready for another one. I just want to have a bigger gap between this one and the next one.

So I just can't really say. On the one hand, a girl would be nice. It would be nice to have two little girls, two sisters close together. There is something so lovely about little girls. Plus, we have an awful lot of girl clothes, and it might make things nice when it comes to room sharing and sisters a grade apart. But on the other hand, a boy would be....a boy. A son. It would be nice to know what it's like to have a son. I also love both names that we have picked.

So I just can't say. In my gut I think this could be a boy, but I was sure (positive!) that Georgie was a boy.... so you can't trust that. I kind of wish we had found out, it would make things so much easier in terms of getting ready. But it was a fantastic surprise to meet Georgie when she arrived, and so I'm content to wait. I have 10 weeks to go and am getting quite excited about meeting this new little person.

At the end of the day, I know it will be a baby anyway, and that's pretty awesome.


Linking up with Shae for Things I know today and Glowless for Flog Yo Blog Friday :)

Catching up

I have been a little overwhelmed by the responses I got from my post yesterday. I'm glad that it touched a chord for so many and I am a bit humbled by it all.

But I figured I've done enough deep lately, so today's post is all about the slightly.

I've borrowed Mum's camera to take some pictures of Georgie, as I haven't taken many recently and she is getting so big all of a sudden. It's amazing how quickly it happens. So here are a few pictures of what's going on here lately.

She is seriously cute at the moment

The bathtub is her favourite place to put things. This can be a big problem when I'm in the shower and she brings me presents!

Someone is currently trying to figure out how to undo the latch for the gate. This too could be problematic.

There is some serious walking going on. I tried to get a proper picture, but she's too quick already!

We are doing a lot of self-feeding. Did I mention the cute?

I am slowly getting there with my checklist. See all the ticks? (And how many more I have yet to do?)

This here is a  recent addition that lives just near our back door. It is so handy and it makes me smile.

WWJD?

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a Christian... and specifically about being a Christian blogger.

I worry sometimes about what it makes people think of me, when they find out I am a Christian. I worry that they will dismiss me, without looking. Or else attack me, without knowing. Or I worry that I may do more harm than good, speaking about my faith.

There are many different opinions and viewpoints that you come across on the blogosphere. Some are openly hostile to Christianity. Others poke fun at it slyly. It is dismissed and repudiated a lot.

And quite honestly I understand it.

I'm not saying that I appreciate what people say sometimes. But I don't necessarily get my back up too much or get too offended. Because I know that we Christians can be real idiots sometimes.

I see things on the news, or I see my fellow Christians make comments and say things and I just wish I could shut them up. Now to be fair here, I know I have probably said many a dumb thing. I'm sure people have wanted to shut me up too. And I have to admit I'm still not entirely sure that I'm right in all I think. I'm trying really hard here not to come across pointing the finger saying 'well they're just stupid' because I know I can be stupid too.

But somewhere along the line we fell into the same trap as the pharisees and started judging, and being legalistic, and forgetting about love.

It's hard. It's so hard. It's such a difficult line to walk. At times I see things that are so opposite to Gods ways, but yet I find myself feeling sympathetic towards them, rather than sympathy to the harsh and judgmental opinions of people who are supposed to be my brothers. I think is it me? Am I wrong?

I don't want to be one of those airy-fairy Christians who vomit sunshine and happiness and peace and rainbows. Because the fact is, there is a good and evil. There are absolutes. All people have sinned and need the sacrifice that Jesus made to be able to reach heaven. People are going to hell if they reject God. But God isn't a distant, abusive, punishing parent that has fun watching people suffer either. And people seem to think that. Somehow we seem to portray the extremes so well.

In our defence, it's not all of us. There are many, many reasonable decent people out there who love God, love Jesus and are wonderfully ordinary. But the media and the world has always zeroed in on the extremists. Nobody wants to hear a story about a regular person with their faith. They would rather hear about the zealots, the bigots, and the people who are just dancing-on-unicorns-crazy.

I wish we could be seen. Just seen as we are, without so many different coloured glasses clouding the view. But that's life. It is extremely rare to get anyone to see without putting the taint of their experience on first. And sometimes experience is a good thing. It means we learn. But at other times it can be such a hindrance.

We're going to be different. We've got to be. I look at some of the values and things that go on in the world, and I just want no part of it. We are told to be different. We are told we will be persecuted for our faith. And maybe all of this is a part of it?

But I wonder.... Say Jesus hadn't come to earth when he did years ago, and instead arrived in this day and age. Who would he hang around with now? Last time it was fisherman and tax collectors and prostitutes. So I'm betting he wouldn't be hanging around in churches. And that troubles me. Does that mean that I am more like a pharisee than a disciple?

I don't know. I'm not sure what the answers are. Heck, I don't even rightly know what it is I am asking or saying.

I guess I am just hoping people will read my blog and maybe try to just see me as a fellow human being. That would be a nice step. And an important one I think. Because if you can empathize with, and understand someone a little, then maybe you can begin to see that they are not crazy, or stupid, and you can see that their faith is real. And maybe you can also see that there are so many different ways to be a follower of Jesus. My way doesn't have to be your way. But it is important that we get to the same place at the end.


Linking up with Jess from Diary of a SAHM for I blog on Tuesdays.

For the love of music

I will preface this post by saying, if you don't go to church you may have a hard time understanding what I'm on about. I attend a pentecostal church. (Think Hillsong, only in miniature, and without all the lights and media and the good-looking people-) We are just a bunch of ordinary people who love God and find the most comfortable way of praise (for us) is through hand-waving and loud singing. This does not make us crazy, just different. I have written a little more about it here.

I love music.

I really, really do. Do you remember as a kid talking with your friends about whether you would rather be blind or deaf? (No? We were the only morbid ones?) I hope I never have to make that choice. Because to lose your sight would be horrible. To never see your baby smile? Awful. But for me, to never hear music again? I would hate it. Thank goodness no one ever really has to make that choice.... it's not a thing you really get to choose is it?

Music is just so much a part of me. It's one thing Shane and I really have in common. He plays about a dozen different instruments (yes, he's one of those annoying people!) with the bass being his first love and his primary instrument. I don't really play much, although I have a very rudimentary knowledge of piano, after 2 years of lessons. But I have a very musical ear. I can hear a wrong note easily, and can often hear a tune and then play it on the piano. And I sing. I love singing. My sisters and I all sing. We used to sing harmonies and rounds while doing the dishes and driving in the car. We've performed together a couple of times. Growing up it was so much fun. My Mum sings too, and even Dad isn't tone deaf. We have always been quite a musical family.

Our house is rarely completely quiet, there is almost always something playing in the background. Our poor children don't stand a chance with Shane. He is quite adamant that they will have at least some opportunity of playing a musical instrument. Shane often sits and plays his ukelele while watching Georgie in the bath. We just love music.

And I love worship. I get that there are people who aren't so musically minded who don't love love it the way I do. But I have always found so much power and solace in singing praise to God. You might have noticed this in some of the songs I link up to on this blog. I lead worship at our church some weeks, and Shane plays the drums whenever he's home. He doesn't love playing the drums and would much rather play the bass. But when our drummer moved towns, he took over, because honestly in a band if you're going to pick between losing bass or drums, you'll choose bass. It's just not quite as crucial.  He's been doing a really great job at it too, even though he doesn't think so.

I've recently given up leading worship for a spell, as it is getting too hard to sing well, I'm getting breathless a little more with my tummy taking lung space. Plus, it is just quite hard trying to organise the logistics of me leading worship, when it means that both Shane and I have to go to music practice on Monday nights, then again before church on Sunday. So we rely on the good nature of family to help us out looking after Georgie. It's even harder for me on the weeks when Shane is away.

And right now, it's just the right thing to do for our family. Maybe when this little one gets older and I can leave them both easily. But it is much easier to leave one child to be babysat than two.... However for now I know that this is the best choice for my family. And they are my first and primary job from God. As hard as it can be sometimes, I know it's no good me standing on stage on Sunday looking like I've got it right, if my family is suffering.

But I do love it. It's not really the being up front thing. I don't mind being up the front as long as I only have to sing and not talk. But I just enjoy the fact that when I lead, there are no distractions. I'm not thinking about Georgie or the person next to me. My role is to worship. When I lead music, I am not Robyn the Mummy or wife. It's just me and God. I also love picking the songs, and directing where the music should go. It means I have to work to try to be in tune with God, or else I can mess up the way the things go. It's a big responsibility. But there's something so amazing that happens when we (the team) get it right. I just love music. I am going to miss it, but am sure I am making the right choice.

Really the fact that I'm not leading worship for a time won't make much of a difference. I might miss it, but music is still just a part of my make up, a part of who I am.

What about you? Do you love music? And if you had to choose between losing sight or hearing, which would you choose? Could you choose?

I still don't know.

Things I know.... while I am dreaming of a nap

Linking up with Shae for some Things I know....

1. Our camera is not being spacky, but is proper broke now. And the warranty has run out :( So we are going to need to sort that out before number 2 makes it's way into the world, otherwise this baby really will feel that whole second-child-nobody-loves-me-because-there-are-no-photos-of-me.

3. We have had a week of sick that has now finished with a tummy bug just for fun. On a related note, our beach holiday can't get here fast enough.... 1 week and counting!!! Can. not. wait.

4. They should totally give these to kids when they do sex-ed classes at school....

Too funny.

And that's about it for now. I have many brilliant (or I think so anyway) ideas for posts, but somehow when the time actually comes to write, they all fly out of my head and I am stuck sitting in front of the computer dreaming about a nap.

Thankful for good news

This week I'm linking up with Kate at Kate Says Stuff for Thankful Thursdays because boy do I have something to be thankful for!

On Tuesday I went back to the Doctor to get my results from the glucose screen test and they were really, really good! I do not have Gestational Diabetes! My fasting level was 4.4, and then after the two hour test when you have to drink 75g of sugar (yuck!) my level was only 5.5. A huge change from the 9.7 it was with the first test. So I am really, really happy!

I think though that I am really going to try to make this a wake-up call. I don't have diabetes, but I do have to be careful so that I never get it. I had kind of let myself go a fair bit during this pregnancy and I want to be healthy and I don't want a big baby, so from now on I'm planning on following a pretty strict diet anyway. But it is so nice not to have to test my BGL's or take medicine. So I am very very happy.

I am also very grateful for this stuff:

And no, this is not an advertisement, (although if they want to send me some free samples that would be fine with me!). All three of us have a cold at the moment. Shane is getting better, and Georgie doesn't seem too sick, but I feel like death warmed up. But I am glad that even though I am pregnant I can still take paracetamol.... it helps! I am also just so glad that we live in a country where access to simple medications that can help so much is so easy. It is a thing that we take for granted, but I really am glad for all of the medical help that we have here in this country, with Doctors and Hospitals, and with medication. I know the system's not perfect, but it could be so much worse, and I think that's something worth remembering.

Tasty Tuesdays: Baked Moroccan Chicken and Rice

I was going to share a recipe today seeing as how it's the fortnight for me to share and all, but I was having trouble coming up with one. So instead I've decided to post a link to a fabulous recipe that I did not come up with, but it is a meal that I really like.

It is Baked Moroccan Chicken and Rice and it is on Erin's blog at Eat Play Bond, you should really check it out because it is is so good! I discovered it a month or so ago and since then it has been on a regular rotation at our house.

I love it because it is one of those 'one pot wonders' that you can get organised, and then leave alone. I really like meals that have everything in together, and this does. It has chicken, veggies and rice- so I can just put it in the oven, get Georgie bathed and then dinners ready! I think it is a really tasty dish, and it is also lovely with some capsicum and chopped fresh asparagus mixed in as well (I love fresh asparagus- can't stand the tinned stuff though). Erin suggests using chicken breasts, but I have found thigh fillets work well too, and they have the added bonus of not drying out if you lose track of time and put it in the oven for too long. But go check it out, it really is good, and say Hi to Erin at the same time.

In other news our camera is doing all kinds of weird things, and has decided that it will not, in fact, take photos. I've been wanting to take some photos of Georgie because she is getting super cute and grown up lately, and I also want to take some photos of her walking. But for now this will do.

Georgie. Walking.

Doesn't the artistic genius just leap out at you?



I'm also linking up with Jess for I blog on Tuesdays- come play!

Deep thoughts....

I'm just feeling a little rotten tonight. (Gah.... how often do I preface a blog post with that, or something like it?)

But today has been hard work. Shane was on Communion at church, plus he was playing drums, so he was there early and had all that added stress. Then I realised that I was on the roster for morning tea, so I made brownies which were a dismal failure, and consequently was very late for church, only arriving in time to hear the last part of his Communion message, plus I slipped in the shower and hurt my back. But I honestly am trying to keep myself from having a bit of a pity party. It just feels tough being a Mummy sometimes. You're the last priority.

I'm hesitant to write too much stuff about my marriage and Shane here, because (a) this blog is read by people who know us, (b) I think it's not really that fair to write about a relationship when you only have one side of the story and the other person has no opportunity to speak their piece and (c) I make it a general rule to only speak good about him. I will let him know when I am unhappy- sometimes I do that too much! But I feel that men get enough trouble poured on them in the world without having the one person who is supposed to love them running them down, and really is there anything worse than hearing a wife talk about how bad she thinks her husband is?

So as a result I keep fairly quiet, or else I only try to talk about the good things. But then I was thinking, is that necessarily right either? I want this blog to be accurate. I am trying to make a bit of a record for my children, (with an added dash of therapy for me)... but I don't want to make it seem like everything's peachy all the time either. Because I hate it when we try to paint everything as perfect, when it just isn't.

Side note: I've noticed it seems to be very hard for people (me included) to just tell it how it is. We either exaggerate the good and downplay the bad, or else we magnify the bad and minimize the good... why is that?

On the other hand, I don't want to air out my dirty laundry here either.

But, marriage is hard. Relationships are tough. I think I'm just finding the whole stay-at-home Mum thing a bit difficult at the moment. It's hard, not earning money. I don't know why earning money matters so much, but I am amazed at how hard it feels not to. Plus it doesn't help that I am not the money-earner, yet I seem to be the money-spender. Not that Shane ever really tries to make me feel this, but I still do.

It's also hard being pregnant. I think I'm just a little all over the place at the moment, and I am so, so tired. I just want someone to take care of me. I must admit, I just feel like Shane doesn't really care about my pregnancy or what's going on with me right now. I know it's not true, and I know that he probably could wait on me hand and foot right now and I'd still be unhappy. Plus he is dealing with a lot at the moment too. But still, between Georgie being an extra handful lately, me trying to organise things for the baby, plus trying to adjust my diet and get in more exercise just in case I do have gestational diabetes, and the general cooking, cleaning and everything that comes with being a wife and a Mum... I just feel like doing my best Shannon Noll impression [What about meeeee?]

I think this parenting gig can also be tough when there is one parent who does so much of the primary parenting. Shane works 14 hours most days, he's not home every night. Some nights he only sees Georgie for 15 minutes before she goes to bed. So when he has a weekend off (like he has this weekend) he sometimes watches some of my parenting practices with.... trepidation. Which bugs the heck out of me.

I must admit, my style of parenting is pretty laid-back. But in my defense it has to be. I cannot watch Georgie every minute of the day because I would go insane. Also, I have things to do. It is impossible for me to have a shower, clean, cook, blog etc while watching her at all times. So she does roam the house pretty freely. I have made the general area of the house very, very kid-safe so that she can. I am also more of a 'wait and see how she goes and see if she really needs help before I step in' kind of parent. Georgie has not hurt herself badly (yet) and she is quite cautious. I would probably be less laid-back with a different child, but I know Georgie and her capabilities and she is pretty okay most of the time. So when Shane makes comments on my practices, it's hard not to get my back up.

But tonight, after a few cranky words and me having a good cry. I was thinking. Who takes care of Shane? I am constantly wanting him to take care of me, but it does work both ways. I feel like I am giving and giving, but maybe I need to watch myself a bit more. And yes, I do 'do' a lot. But with what attitude? Because honestly, sometimes when people do things for me with a huge air of sacrifice, I'd rather they just not bother. Am I guilty of that with my husband?

When was the last time I tried to enjoy him? I don't mean little moments of gratefulness and joy. But actual, long-lasting contentment. Granted he is imperfect. But it's not up to me to change him. And have I been looking to him for more than he can give?

I think Hollywood is responsible for so much of our screwiness (yes that is a word. a good one). There is nothing more romantic than that scene in Jerry McGuire when Tom Cruise says "You complete me." Don't you just melt a little? But really, it's a load of codswallop. You look to another person to complete you and you just won't end up whole. Maybe I've been relying on Shane a little too much to fix things, when in fact is he is just another messed-up person like me who is incapable of making it better?

God is the only one who can complete. I need to be turning to him a little more. Granted, it's hard. I don't know about you, but sometimes it feels a bit... useless to me, turning to God. (Oh Lord, I am a bad Christian). But honestly, that's how I feel. Sometimes it feels like you can turn to God only to get a great big fat nothing in response. But maybe I'm doing it wrong? Maybe too often, I am telling God how to fix things, telling him exactly what I want. Not asking for his help. He will give what I need. His ways are not my ways [Isaiah 55:8] He may not give the way I want him to, but He will give in ways that are lasting. His waters are those that will quench all thirst. [John 4:14]

Yep. Need to remember this stuff.

So, bottom line, Shane could probably do more. But marriage is hard, and I am not responsible for what he does. I am responsible for what I do though, and I need to watch my own attitude and make sure I am looking after him as well. I also need to look to God to fix my problems a little more instead of Shane. I wish I just already inherently knew all this stuff sometimes...  I seem to learn so slow!

Mea culpa

This week has been... tough. On Monday I did the one hour diabetes test, and failed.

Now I am a classic overachiever. I don't think I've failed many things in my life. So suffice to say I am extremely unhappy. That's why I haven't been blogging much this week. Generally when there is bloggy silence and I'm not away, it means I have a post to write, but it's not ready to be written. I find it hard to just write anything when I've got something to say, but am having trouble saying it.

I was going to wait until I found out if I actually did have gestational diabetes or not. But I've decided to write the post now.

I am angry, so unbelievably angry. At me. Mea culpa.

I know, I have always known that I was at high risk for gestational diabetes (and diabetes in general). My Dad was diagnosed with it when he was in his mid forties, and my family has never been stick insects. We like food, and food likes us. We have wonderful genes if we were ever in a famine, but not so-wonderful genes in this first-world nation that is littered (literally) with food. My sisters and I have all always struggled to keep our weight down. I lost 10kg before Georgie was born, and was at my fittest ever, going to the gym nearly every day.

But fitness is so easy to lose. And weight so easy to gain. I told myself I would get myself properly back in shape when I weaned Georgie. I tried to stay healthy while pregnant with her, but then I was having trouble losing weight while breastfeeding. I was also not trying as hard as I could have been. So when I got pregnant while Georgie was 9 months old I was not in peak physical condition.

I have not been healthy during this pregnancy either. I told myself I wasn't doing too badly, but I had all but stopped exercising, I was eating too much, and I was not eating great food. I told myself I would get it off after I had this baby. I said it was too hard to exercise and eat well while I was pregnant with a baby/toddler.

I was lying. To myself and to anyone else who would listen. And really what does it matter? Even if I do have a great excuse, the best in the world... it doesn't matter when I get diabetes. Excuses mean nothing to heart disease or kidney failure. It's up to me. Whether it's easy or hard. It's on me.

And I forgot that, or chose to ignore it. So now I am angry at myself, I'm disappointed, I'm guilty, I'm worried and I am ashamed. Mea culpa.

I know that gestational diabetes is also a hormonal thing, and I know there are many women who are very healthy who still get it. Women who have done nothing to deserve it. But I wasn't. I had risk factors. And while I was careful while pregnant with Georgie, I have not been this time. Knowingly and willingly I waltzed down the path of self-destruction. That's the truth.

I must admit I'm also a little upset, because while I am overweight, I'm not obese. I may be large but I'm not huge. There are other women who are much larger than me who seem to never have problems, and I think "Why me? It's not fair!" But things like sickness and disease rarely are.

Today I took the proper two-hour test. Now we wait. I don't want to have gestational diabetes. I don't want to add another risk to the growing list that could see me one day with fully-blown diabetes. I want to be healthy because it is my choice, not because I have no choice. I want to be able to eat a cupcake at a special occasion without taking medicine. I want to be able to be careful and healthy, but not have to follow a rigid, no-exceptions, regime. I'm just scared.

I'm frightened too not just for what this could mean for me, but for this baby. I feel so guilty that I haven't been taking care of it the way I should have. This baby needs good healthy food, not the junk that I have been peddling. I don't want this baby to be too big because I couldn't control myself. I am grateful that I live in a world where good practices take place to ensure that this baby is not too big. But I still just don't want this.

I'm also scared that this could mean that I can't have this baby here at home. Our local hospital is a low-risk unit, so if my diabetes is severe they will not let me stay. Plus I have the added complication of having high blood pressure in a previous pregnancy. I just really wanted this baby to be able to come in it's own time, where I could labour at home for a while first. I wanted things to be easy. I do not want to have to go to the city for four weeks and get induced..... but really, all I want is a healthy baby.

I know it's not the end of the world. I know I may not even have this disease yet. And even if I do, I know there are many people who live very happy, fulfilled lives with diabetes. But I'm still sure that if you asked every one of them if they could chose not to have it, they would.

So that's it. I am waiting for results. But now I am determined to be healthier. I pray that this is just a wake-up call, and I can change things before it is too late.