Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Today, it is enough.

Sometimes I kind of wonder if I am doing everything I could be, everything I should be? Some days I feel like I am walking through quicksand. Some days it feels like I am stuck, like in the movie Groundhog Day.... everything is the same and it will never, ever change.

It seems to be a common problem with Stay-at-home-Mummies. We love our kids, but we feel a little trapped by them. Getting bogged down by the mundane.

The other day I got a phone call from my old work. They have a new boss, and she was just ringing to see if I would be interested in coming back at all. She had been talking to the owners, who had mentioned I had left to have a baby.... and maybe I would come back after a year or so? (I said that, but I totally didn't mean it. It was a bit of just-in-case). I said no, seeing as how I'm about to have another baby in two weeks and all. But we had a bit of a chat, and she said I could feel free to just let them know any time I wanted to come back.

And it made me feel really good you know? To hear that someone wanted me. To hear that I have something that someone wants. Even though really, I worked in childcare, so it would be hardly any different to what I am doing now. But still, it made me feel good.

But I don't want to go back to work. Financially, and for our family... it just doesn't make sense. I know it would send me crazy. But the desire was still there a little, and that surprised me. I was surprised by how much of a boost that phone call gave me.

Because sometimes I don't feel like I am getting this motherhood thing right. Sometimes I look at Georgie and think 'are you happy enough?' Sometimes I really don't like the Mummy I am. Sometimes I long for peace, and control and order. Sometimes this is suffocating.Sometimes I really don't like her. And I hate it, but it doesn't stop me feeling that way.

But today.... today we are doing okay. Today I look at my little girl and she is busy. She does not feel neglected. She smiles. She chatters away in a language that only she can understand. She is busy living. And that is good. That is enough.

Even though at times it feels like I am not doing anything of importance or significance, contributing nothing to the world... the fact remains that I am everything to her. I love that my arms are the comfort she seeks when something goes wrong. That is good. I am everything to this person growing in me. And that is exactly as it should be. Today, it is enough.

I'm linking up with Jess at Diary of A SAHM for #IBOT. Come say hello, and check out her new digs!

Also, for those of you who didn't know... I made it into the top 25 for the Circle of Moms competition! I came in at number 22 with 452 votes! And I know that its just not possible that every one of those votes came from my family.... so to everyone who voted, Thank you so much! It was really nice to make it in.


  1. Congrats on making the top 25!!! I came in at 56 :( But I'm still a blogging newbie!
    It seems to be the trend at the moment for SAHM's... I'm feeling a little isolated and craving me time at the moment. It doesn't help with a clingy, teething baby atm...But I know that (hopefully) next week that will pass and I'll just get on with things again! Perhaps it's just the pre-Christmas madness in the air also.
    Great post :)

  2. What a beautiful and honest post. I too, wonder if I am making the right choice to be a SAHM. Just the other day my 8 year old daughter told me

    '...Dad, works...you do nothing all day mum...'

    It stung me pretty hard. Sometimes even the people I am doing this for don't appreciate me let alone the wider community. I completely understand why the phone call made you feel wanted.

    It sounds like you are happy with your choice and we can only make the best choices we can at the time and be happy with that.

  3. Great post. I bet you and I are terribly similar. The more I read, the more I wonder...

    I needed to be reminded of this today. Good job.

    @ sportymummy above: At the mother's day event put on by my little girl's kindy, there was a whole wall devoted to what each child thought their mother did - my little girl carefully cut out a heart and had her teacher write the word "nothing" on it.

    We all had a laugh {but it did sting} and her teacher pulled me aside and said how wonderful it was that she thought that. She said that I must be doing HEAPS of things to make my little girl's life so easy and lovely that she didn't even notice I was doing anything. That helped - a bit.

    It is a hard and thankless job being a SAHM- but I do spend a lot of time thanking MY mum for the years and years of tireless effort she put into her four children. One day, what you sow into your children will come back as a harvest.

  4. I think it's something we all struggle with. We often can't see the 'results' of our efforts, and wonder what difference we're actually making - but we beyond the monotony, we are making a huge difference.It is nice to feel validated or something other than a 'mum' at times, so I can only imagine how you felt after that call.

  5. I can relate - and have been home for 8 1/2 years so would be amazed if anyone called and offered me anything LOL, how validated and wanted I would feel.

    Congrats on making the top 25!! that is awesome

  6. What an honest and validating post. No wonder you made it to the top 25! Congratulations! :D

  7. I enjoyed your post. I agree that sometimes I feel like I am doing everything wrong. I feel like I neglect them even when I am with them all day (being busy doing other things). I was just thinking this morning that I just love being able to spend time with them...as much time as possible. Maybe I have issues but I just don't want to miss a thing and love having them around. Also congrats on the 22 of 25... I was putting some votes in for you :)

  8. This post pretty much typifies the experience of almost any SAHM at some time....very honest and relataeble. I think its really important to acknowledge the mundane, the apathy and the joy that makes up mummy hood. Top 25? Not too shabby at all!!

  9. I LOVED this post so much that it pulled me out of 'stalk mode' I feel the same way so often. Then the mother guilt kicks in & I get sad that I sometimes resent this beautiful life that I have created.
    I'm due to go back to work in Feb & I take great comfort in knowing that they want me to come back - but I really don't want to miss a moment of Worm growing up.
    Thank you for your honesty - you have made me feel so much better today.

  10. First of all - Congrats on the Top 25 hun - that is fabulous and very well deserved.
    Secondly my hat goes off to you - as a working mum, I actualy really respect my stay at home peers. Yes I do work hard in my job, but being a full time mum is much harder. I do not have what it takes to stay at home with my kids and I kind of feel alittle shamed in saying that, but I really do lack the patience. I think the fact that you choose your children over work is such an unselfish act and I truly do salute you xx

  11. Beautiful post Robyn, and something we can all relate to.
    Sometimes, especially when our kids are little, it can be hard to see the good we are doing, but what we do has eternal significance.

    Can't wait till this next bubba comes!

  12. I love your honesty Robyn. So well said, I relate to it so much. Today it is enough. Agreed. xx

  13. Loved your post as always! It really resonated with me.
    One thing I want to say is that after I had my first one I didn't want to go back to work. I didn't think i would cope. I felt I had a hard enough time coping with being a full time mum. How was I going to copenwith extra work!! But when he was about 10 months old, I had to go back for 3 days a week and it was the best thing! I had 8 hour everyday of feeling like i was doing something and at the end of the day I couldn't WAIT to see my baby. Whereas normally at the end of the day I couldn't wait for hubby to get home so I could have a break! It made me a better mum. And it wasn't harder. It was a lot easier than being a SAHM full time Bihar my 2 cents.

  14. You're not alone in feeling this. I was SAHM then now I'm WAHM.Both have their own ups and downs and guilts and all that. I am happy to be a WAHM. I don't want to go back to the office because I love being at home with her. I can't see myself going back to the office really.

  15. I'm so glad I got the opportunity to stay home with my girls. It was much more accepted back then. I never thought I'd be employable again as I left the workforce at 18 and lots of things had changed. I learned to type on an old manual Remington typewriter. We are really talking long time ago here! I rejoined the workforce 'just for six weeks' in an office about nine years ago and haven't stopped working since. (I was terrified). I understand how 'affirming' it is to have a pay packet. Its so much easier when people ask what you do to say "I'm a legal secretary". Sounds so intelligent. (Don't be fooled) I was really blessed to be able to stay at home for as long as I did and am very grateful that I now have four best friends. Mumsy

  16. Robyn, you are enough. Sometimes you wonder if you are, but you are.

  17. Robyn, you're so right, it's feels good to be wanted, to have your intelligence and skills reaffirmed by someone outside the circle of family and friends.

    Enjoy the boost it's given you :)

    And congratulations on #22!

  18. Just went back to work today (sob). My kids and my stay-at-home life are enough for me, but for a variety of reasons, I'm back...

    I enjoy work when I'm there, but I'd love to be with my little ones. I feel like I'm going to miss out.

  19. We're always second guessing ourselves as mothers. Then I look st my kids and sometimes they just want to be with us, plain and simple, and I have to remind myself that's enough too.


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