Sometimes I kind of wonder if I am doing everything I could be, everything I should be? Some days I feel like I am walking through quicksand. Some days it feels like I am stuck, like in the movie Groundhog Day.... everything is the same and it will never, ever change.
It seems to be a common problem with Stay-at-home-Mummies. We love our kids, but we feel a little trapped by them. Getting bogged down by the mundane.
The other day I got a phone call from my old work. They have a new boss, and she was just ringing to see if I would be interested in coming back at all. She had been talking to the owners, who had mentioned I had left to have a baby.... and maybe I would come back after a year or so? (I said that, but I totally didn't mean it. It was a bit of just-in-case). I said no, seeing as how I'm about to have another baby in two weeks and all. But we had a bit of a chat, and she said I could feel free to just let them know any time I wanted to come back.
And it made me feel really good you know? To hear that someone wanted me. To hear that I have something that someone wants. Even though really, I worked in childcare, so it would be hardly any different to what I am doing now. But still, it made me feel good.
But I don't want to go back to work. Financially, and for our family... it just doesn't make sense. I know it would send me crazy. But the desire was still there a little, and that surprised me. I was surprised by how much of a boost that phone call gave me.
Because sometimes I don't feel like I am getting this motherhood thing right. Sometimes I look at Georgie and think 'are you happy enough?' Sometimes I really don't like the Mummy I am. Sometimes I long for peace, and control and order. Sometimes this is suffocating.Sometimes I really don't like her. And I hate it, but it doesn't stop me feeling that way.
But today.... today we are doing okay. Today I look at my little girl and she is busy. She does not feel neglected. She smiles. She chatters away in a language that only she can understand. She is busy living. And that is good. That is enough.
Even though at times it feels like I am not doing anything of importance or significance, contributing nothing to the world... the fact remains that I am everything to her. I love that my arms are the comfort she seeks when something goes wrong. That is good. I am everything to this person growing in me. And that is exactly as it should be. Today, it is enough.
I'm linking up with Jess at Diary of A SAHM for #IBOT. Come say hello, and check out her new digs!
Also, for those of you who didn't know... I made it into the top 25 for the Circle of Moms competition! I came in at number 22 with 452 votes! And I know that its just not possible that every one of those votes came from my family.... so to everyone who voted, Thank you so much! It was really nice to make it in.