Monday, December 5, 2011

Just a peek at some of the fear that is occupying my head space at the moment...

At the moment there is a bit of a niggling fear in the back of my mind. I have 19 days to go until we get to this baby's due date, and so far everything is progressing along very well. But I can't shake that 'what if something goes wrong?'

I think it's more prominent this time around, because last time, it was my first pregnancy and I steadfastly tried to avoid as much information about childbirth as I could. I didn't go in totally blind, we did the birthing classes and I read books. But I kind of just listened to my Mum's advice of "it's going to be the hardest work you ever do, but you will get a baby at the end of it." (Pretty good advice). I steered clear of horror stories of 60 hour labours, and tried to avoid those charming women who seem to actively seek pregnant women to terrify, and were eager to tell me of the ordeals they had suffered through to get their children (seriously, what is up with those women?).

But this time I've been exposed to lots more than I needed to know. Partly because of the Internet,  also because of the joy of mothers groups, and the battle stories that are told there, and also because in the past 6 months two of my friends from playgroups have had their babies flown to the city after complications (isn't that a scary word?). There's the memory of my Aunty Jenny lurking in there somewhere, and I think I am also a bit more aware of just how precious having a baby is. But for whatever the reason, I am a lot more worried about what can go wrong.

This time around, we have also elected to stay at home and have the baby at our local regional hospital, rather than travel to the city and have the baby privately, the way we did with Georgie. We just decided it was going to be easier on Georgie and myself, because it was difficult to have to travel for appointments and scans so often, and I would have had to be in the city for a month before the birth, which would have been quite difficult. Plus it is a whole lot cheaper. And I didn't have too many dramas with my first pregnancy, so we decided it was for the best.

But now I do wonder if we made the right call. It's not that our local hospital hasn't been wonderful, but it is a small hospital, there is no NICU, and no permanent obstetrician. Just a flying obstetrician who services the whole area. So if something goes badly wrong, you are flown away to the city. But occasionally there just isn't time or opportunity to get the help that is needed. And that is a bit scary.

I'm telling myself that childbirth is a completely natural process, and I do think that far too often there is too much medical intervention these days. But I'm still worried about all that could go wrong. And I'm scared that it could be my fault, because it was mostly my decision to stay. Could I ever forgive myself if my child grew up with a problem, that may not have been a problem if they had received adequate medical care from the moment they were born?

I don't really expect any answers or any reassurance. I guess I just have to trust this baby with God. But it's hard. I just hope that this baby can arrive safely and without too much drama or 'complication' (there's that word again!).


  1. Sending lots of love filled fairy wishes, butterfly kisses and beautiful birthy vibes to you

  2. Pregnancy and birth is probably one of the only things that affects us so deeply, yet we have absolutely no control over. Thinking of you and praying for peace.

  3. I went through this, too! I also decided to stay in my country town with my two year old and my husband and my home and the doctors I knew.

    For me, some unexpected birth shenanigans DID happen, and do you know what? My little country town hospital and that small obstetrical staff THREW themselves into action and did everything as perfectly and brilliantly as you could possibly hope for!

    Big city hospitals aren't perfect. Sometimes you get better help at the little places! Especially if, like me, you start wandering up to hospital every day of the last week to check that everything's ok! I love hearing that heartbeat.

    You're doing all the right things. God's got you. Will be praying for you! Hope your excitement is outweighing everything else!

    It will be fine.

  4. You are right. Trust God..don't be anxious about anything. Of course easier said than done :) Whenever I get stressed about pregnancy or birth I just look around at all the people in the world who went from conception to healthy adult.

  5. I know no matter what everyone says you will still feel worried. 'It will be fine, don't worry, nothing will go wrong'...but you will still worry. It's normal, and there is not much you can do other than not let it get out of hand. Being more informed about birthing is BETTER because you know EXACTLY what is going on at the time. The local hospital here has FABULOUS staff - I cannot praise them enough, and if (worst case scenario) there are 'complications' they are capable with dealing with most problems if there isn't time to fly you out. I had a textbook pregnancy and was happy to have my baby at the hospital here, but developed pre-eclampsia right on week 38, and after all my careful planning, had to be flown out anyway. I hate to say it, but being strapped flat on my back, 8 1/2 months along in a tiny aeroplane for an hour was a hell of a lot worse than labour! (ok, nature is intervening to make me forget labour). The point is, all these doubts and fears and all the hard work you will go through for No. 2 will make all the effort worth it when you bring your new family member home. Have faith :)

  6. Some awesome people have come out of that hospital ;)

  7. This made me a little teary. Having trust in God and his plan can be so hard sometimes.

    Covering you in prayer.

  8. Praying for you, for your baby, and for a safe and UNcomplicated delivery :)

  9. Best wishes! I found the impending birth of my second baby incredibly nerve wracking. All went well though and I am sure it will for you and your family as well. Will be waiting to hear your lovely news.


Thanks for stopping by, I would so love to hear your thoughts!

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