Wednesday, August 31, 2011
On life, blogging, and things in between...
One question I find that comes up often in the blogosphere is 'Why do you blog?'.
My short answer? It's fun, it's enjoyable, it's good for the soul.
But really it's so much more than that.
Sometimes I write and I wonder what the point is. There are so many words out there, vying to be read, so many voices, and so many people who have more important, more eloquent things to say. At times it's easy for me to get caught up in the world of blogging and feel very inadequate.
Some days I am plagued by doubts. I have been blogging now for over a year and yet still feel like a new, very insignificant little fish in an enormous ocean. I notice someone who I avidly follow, and seems to follow so many of the people I interact with, and yet for some reason they don't follow me. I think 'What's wrong with me?' Or else I see conversations, or friendships developing on facebook or twitter and feel so out of it and am suddenly somehow transported back into ballet class being placed up the back because I'm 'tall' (big) or else back in the final year of school, suddenly feeling so out of place with my peers. You never really do squash that insecure teenager do you?
Some days I love the sense of community, the belonging, the feeling of being heard when so often as a Mum I feel like I have become a little invisible.
But it's not just that. Even if tomorrow I lost every follower and nobody ever commented or read a single post again I would still want to write. (I would probably be an inconsolable mess too, because after all I'm very human) But it is so nice to write. I love the memories my writing evokes. I read a post from months back and my memory is stimulated- I remember exactly how I was feeling, what I was doing, what prompted that particular post. I love blogging for the memories.
I also love the record that I am making here. I wrote once about The Why behind my blogging and that still hold true. I love that this is a record for my children of their mother. I don't have any expectation of dying young, I plan on being around for many grandchildren, but I love that this blog will give my children glimpses of their mother. I know if my Mum had ever written a diary or journal when I was growing up I would love to read it, I'd find it fascinating... and I hope maybe one day they might too.
Sometimes I look back on previous posts and cringe. It's embarrassing sometimes, baring your soul, especially when so many people I know read this. Sometimes I feel very silly. But at the same time it's very liberating, and I am well aware that I do have drama-queen tendencies, so knowing that there are people who I see every day who read this also keeps me very honest.
I also enjoy that feeling that I get when I see that somebody gets what I was trying to say. I love writing something funny and knowing I've made people smile and laugh (even if it's at me), or writing something that means something to me and having people listen, really listen. I also love writing about things that I find difficult and finding out that I am not alone.
So.... I write. I blog. It may not be perfect, it may never be anything out of the ordinary or particularly significant in the eyes of the world. But it's good.