Thursday, July 28, 2011


Most of the time, my life is good. And I know it. I appreciate the fact that I am better off than about 90% of the world's population.

But on days like today, all I know is I'm lonely.

I hate having my husband away.

I feel so useless staying at home.

I know that being a Mum is a very important job. But at the same time, is it all I am? Because at times I feel.... unfulfilled. I feel horrible for saying that. But there it is.

Maybe it's because I only have one child. Maybe with more children the feeling will go away and I'll feel like I'm achieving more.

I really do think that this, this being a stay-at-home-mum, is of value. I believe that I am doing something, giving my child something that is so worthwhile.

But at times, like now, I don't feel it.

I've mentioned it before, how I didn't think earning money defined me. And I don't. But when me staying at home means my husband works so hard, it just doesn't sit well. Sometimes, he is away for weeks on end, with only weekends at home in between. We could change. We could downsize. Live on less. But really if I'm honest, the problem also comes from the fact that Shane's work isn't just about money. He also works for his family's business. So it's much more complicated than a regular job.

His parents have helped us out an awful lot over the years. And Shane does value the fact that he has gotten to know his Father so well. He has spent a lot of time with his Dad. They have gotten to know each other, and respect one another as men. There are so many men who would give anything for more time with their Dad, and Shane knows that. But at the same time, there is also a lot of baggage that is involved when you work with family. There is a very high cost. And some days it's all just too hard.

Shane often says, if he dies tomorrow he would be so disappointed. He wouldn't have spent as much time with us as he could have. And that hurts. We are only looking at this, his current work situation, as being a very short-term thing, in terms of how long you have to live. But at the same time, we don't know the number of our days. And we want to spend as many of them as we can together as family.

I am so incredibly grateful for Georgina. She is so much sunshine in my life. Loving her, looking after he, makes me smile constantly and I'm so glad for that.

But it too, comes with a cost. It means that I have a lot of space. Sometimes too much. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes she can drive me practically insane. But, many of the things I do as a Mum right now, they don't necessarily require much, intellectually, of me. So at times, I have a lot of time to think. To over-think.

I wish I could do something more that challenged me a little you know? I don't want to be crazy-busy and not be able to stop and smell the roses, but at the same time, you can only smell so many roses.

I want to get my mind busier.

I don't know how yet, and I don't know that now is the right time to do anything. But I wish I did. And I wish I knew how to be okay with being alone every night. With waking up alone every morning. It's not really a gap that other people can fill either. I am glad to live near family and have friends. But they can only help so much. And at the end of the day other people go back to their own houses and families.

I hate the late afternoons. When the clock hits about 5:30pm or so, Georgie needs to be home, having dinner, going to bed. Most afternoons find me at Mum's. And oh, how I dread going home. Some days it is too hard, going back to a cold empty house. Having to be busy, busy getting Georgie ready for bed. I can't wait to put her to bed at night, to have space, but at the same time I hate it, because I miss her company.

Maybe that's why I've run with blogging so much. It's a chance, an opportunity, to get words out. To feel like I am still part of the world and not completely disconnected. To communicate and feel like I actually have something of value to offer. At least I can talk to Shane on the phone often. At least I have family. Sometimes the space is nice, I can have a bath and read at night. But sometimes it's too quiet. I know people who are desperate for what I've got. But knowing you have what others crave doesn't make what you have any easier.

Sometimes it's just not enough.

I am still lonely.


  1. I can't imagine how hard it is to do this parenting gig with a FIFO husband- especially being pregnant and dealing with all the things that brings.

    For me, study is what keeps me motivated and out of the 'Mum rut'. Thank goodness for HECS so I can think about paying it back later. Study gives me something to focus on, a goal to work towards, and an incredible reward- nothing encourages me more than getting good feedback from a group of people who really, really don't care (or half the time even know) that I'm a mother.

    Are you hooked in with a church at the moment? I find church can fill my diary better than anything else in the world! :)

    Hope that you can make some changes in the future so things are more balanced for you- being a grown up can suck sometimes.

  2. Stay at home moms raise children that become the engines of the world, not the anchors.
    Keep up the good work!

    The Cranky Old Man

  3. Amy- we are very connected in church. Shane plays drums (when he's there) I worship lead (although I'll probably be stopping that soon!)and I have bible study, playgroup and assorted get-togethers. But nothing is as good as a husband you know? Thinking maybe some study might be the way to go if I can figure out what to study! Thanks for the comments :)

  4. I hear you - I have a good life, but sometimes counting my blessings isn't enough to immediately lift my spirits. Some days just suck.
    I have a friend in a similar situation to yours. Her hubby works away for two weeks out of every three, and she is home alone with their little boy. She has some inlaws nearby, but her own family is in the UK, and she gets very lonely in the evenings. She really wishes he could work locally and be home every night. She has just started a home business that occupies her during the day, but it's still tough going for her.
    Mine used to do FIFO work and I loved it, but we don't have children yet, so it
    was a chance for me to get some alone time. I know that when we do have them I'd much prefer him to be home every day. Which is what he does now, so hopefully that doesn't change!
    Even though I work, I still get lonely at times. I don't have much in common with my workmates (doesn't help that most of them are men!), and we only moved here late last year, so I haven't met a lot of potential friends yet. I'm pretty good at entertaining myself and do actually love being alone, but boy it's good when I do catch up with an old friend or connect with someone - I realize then that I have been a bit lonely.
    I think what you are doing has immense value. However it isn't unfair or unreasonable to want what makes you happy, and if that means mixing it up with a bit of something else - study or whatever - then I say go for it :)

  5. Thanks- it helps to know that others have to deal with husbands away too. It is much harder having him away now that we have a family, because when it was just me I could go out, also I worked all day so I didn't mind being home alone at night sometimes. Now that I'm home all day it is much harder! But we are still very fortunate. He's home for the weekend anyway so that will be lovely :)

  6. I wish I had the answer for you. But, unfortunately, I don't. The only thing that comes to mind is finding something you're passionate about, something other than your little one that makes you want to get out of bed every day. A hobby, study, a charity group etc.
    And you're right, what you're doing is of immense importance, but sometimes we need a little more.
    Take care of yourself. xx

  7. Oh boy do I know that feeling. People just do not talk about the loneliness of motherhood, especially maternity leave. It is just plain lonely sometimes, and boring. Late afternoon is my least favorite time too. Now that my son is older it is all so much better, and I can occupy my time better with sewing and knitting and stuff like that during those hours when I am restless and he can play on his own.

  8. I am also feeling the same right now.. as my husband is away for.. its just 2 days since he reached the other corner of the world.. and me here. but i am lucky .. his parents are there to take accompany me.. this is also helping me to bond better with his mom.. and i am coming to realise that she is a nice person..
    But yes.. no one can take husband's place.. I miss him so much


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