Before I do though, a little back story. When Shane and I were engaged, I threw a bridal magazine at him. He ended up with an extremely fat lip and a great wedding story. It was awful. Also, my sister and brother in law live next door to us in the house that my Grandmother used to own. They are renting it, but it is in the process of being sold and my Uncles are doing maintenance on it. You're probably going 'What the?' But I promise you, this has a point.
So, on Tuesday night I was on the computer and Shane came in and wanted to use it. I was getting ready to go to bed but was being a bit silly and wanted a hug first. What followed was a wrestling, tickling match (and I'm sure we're not the only ones who are stupid like this!) but anyway, Shane was trying to grab my nose to pull it and it just seemed so terribly funny to me that I was in the midst of hysterical giggles, then I picked up a dessert spoon nearby from a recently finished bowl of ice cream and was trying to rap him on the knuckles with it (and really, I should have spotted the stupid there) but instead, he managed to get a hold of my nose and then I accidentally sent the spoon flailing.
It hit him across the face. Right in the eye.
Cue, screaming and crying- because he really had been whopped hard. We raced into the bathroom to try and inspect the damage and his eye was swollen and red with a cut above the other one. Apparently there was a fair bit of force behind the spoon. I grabbed a bag of frozen peas and, sobbing and crying "I'm so sorry honey!" I put it on his eye. By this time Georgie had woken up with all the noise and then I picked her up and we decided to go up to the hospital because you don't mess with eyes.
I drove up to the hospital, and as I was driving all kinds of crazy was spewing forth "Oh God! You're going to go blind in one eye and it's not funny, (hiccup) because then you'll blame me and you'll never be able to forgive me (sob) and we'll have to get a divorce!" And "What if you can't work? What will we do?" And seriously, who does stuff like this? (Twice!) I am just my own special brand of crazy.
Anyway, we got to the hospital and a nurse admitted us and as soon as she heard what happened she could not stop laughing and it was not funny!! She checked his eyesight out which was fine (Thank God!) but we had to wait for a doctor anyway just to make sure. *Side note- when I said it could have just as easily been me, she said "Well it's a good job it wasn't because then we would have had to get the police involved" and I'm thinking, but what about battered husbands too? Fortunately, I think they could tell we were just two silly, silly people.
Anyway, after an hour (when Georgie was well and truly out of steam) the doctor came and checked his eye and eyesight again and then gave Shane some eye drops and ointment, and told Shane he was really lucky... (great way to make me feel worse) We got home at midnight and poor Shane crashed for a very uncomfortable night and then I finally got Georgie back to sleep.
|He thinks he's so funny.... portrait of a battered husband|
I really did hurt him hey? So now he's alternating between thinking it's funny, and making me feel super guilty, blaming me for an extremely sore eye.
But wait, there's more!!
The next morning, after Shane had gone to work, I'd just got out of the shower while Georgie was having her morning nap. I'd put my bra in the dryer for five seconds just to dry out the morning dew and I did my hair and just put on my underwear.
Now, our laundry is outside the back door, just off the deck. Our yard is reasonably secluded, most of the neighbours can't see in. Except for my sister and her husband next door.
So anyway, I went to the back door and ducked my head out and decided that I should be fine to do a quick half-nudie run to get my bra. My sister and her husband would both be at work and all the other neighbours wouldn't be able to see anything. There was nobody around.
Can't you just guess what's coming next?
So I dash outside into the laundry and grab my bra, I had just stepped through the laundry door and was standing on the back deck, exposed, when I caught sight of my Uncle Ken. Next door. In the backyard. With a complete view. He turned his back as soon as I saw him and I raced back into the laundry. I sat there for a few minutes with my face buried thinking 'What the hell do I do now?' and eventually got on my hands and knees and crawled back into the house.
Oh, but this stories not over yet, friends.
So, that afternoon, I went over to Mum's and recounted the story for her amusement. That night, I got a phone call from Mum.
"I just phoned your Uncle Ken and he didn't see anything."
"He said he would have put his glasses on if he'd known!"
Awesome. Just awesome.
So yeah.... that is my terrible tale of woe and stupidity. I am sure there are people who are normal and don't do things like this. I swear some days I was just put on this earth for God's amusement. One day I just want to be a grown up. Just a nice normal grown up. Is that too much to ask?