There is an old lady who lives down the road from me. She has lived in that house for as long as I can remember. Every afternoon she and her dog, Rosie go for a walk. Rosie doesn't need a leash. They always walk the same path. Two slow moving figures at the exact same time, every day.
I long for that kind of predictability. For routine. Yet at the same time, the idea of it makes me feel stifled, claustrophobic.
I don't want to whine or moan. I hate it when you read from other people's perspectives and it's all doom and gloom and negativity. Most of the time I think of myself as an optimist. But today has just been.... awful.
I miss Shane. But it's not just that. Georgie has been quite grumpy, and every time she has gone to sleep the dogs have woken her up with her barking, or the phone has rung. I've been tired (exhausted!). But it's not even all that. It's just a general pervading greyness that has hovered around and oozed over me all day.
I have not done a single productive thing. The house looks exactly the same as it did this morning- maybe even messier. I have been a grumpy, horrible, fishwife all day. And I hate that, you know? I hate that all day Georgie has been around a grumpy person. I don't want my baggage to colour her world. I know it has to, to some extent. You simply can't help that if you love. But I don't like it when I let my baggage become all-consuming.
I am just so tired of my life. I want routine. I want to be able to look at the clock in the afternoon and be able to think, 'Shane will be home in X amount of hours'. And even when he's home, we never get that. There's always work to do. Time off is rarely completely time off. There's a blessing and a curse of working in a family business and working within a disorganised, chaotic industry. But I want to look forward to weekends and make plans. I want to be able to look forward to things with certainty instead of hope. Far too often we don't make concrete plans because we just don't know if we're going to be able to keep them. We say, might, or should, or hope to. Not yes.
Now please, don't judge me. I know I'm having a pity party, but I am allowed to! I promise I am trying to get out of this soon. And I know there are so many people who are dealing with issues that are so, so much bigger and harder than this. But right now, for me? This is my hard. We all have our own problems. And no, there is nothing we can do. This is it for the next couple of years at least. I'm really not trying to make people feel sorry for me either. But I just want to get this out, your know? And I'd like to know if we're not alone. If anyone else has to deal with this kind of thing?
Because right now, it's just not fair.