Monday, October 22, 2012

Today is not forever

Crouching, in the shower, as your chest heaves and waves of shame and anger and desperation crash over you. Hating yourself, hating everything about you. Praying, pleading to God for help, as sobs shake your body and stringy, gluey globs of snot and tears drain down the plughole. A little girl opens the shower curtain, "You okay, Mummy?" Please God, let this be over soon.

Before I got this way I never really understood. I made all the right noises, and said a lot of the right things.... but in the back of my mind I was silently judging. How can people feel that bad? I just couldn't get it. Why did they let it get so bad? Why couldn't they get themselves back up? I kind of thought depression was just pure selfishness.

And, in it's way it is. But it's also fear. Crippling fear and ugly self-loathing in a way you'd never dreamed possible. It's not coping, no matter how hard you try. If it was possible by sheer force of will, to not be depressed... nobody would be. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know how the smallest tasks can seem like Everest. I know how easy it is to plaster a smile on when you are out, and then go home, alone and desperate.

I find it so hard, feeling this way while I have to care for these tiny people.  And there's that lingering question; would I feel this way if I wasn't a mother? They bring my stress and tension into the foreground with devastating sharpness. I wish I wasn't responsible for them, while I am like this.

But at the same time, they are my saving grace. If I didn't have to get up every day, and care for them... I don't think I would get up in the morning. They make it so hard... but they keep me trying, fighting. On the bad days they can make things so much worse, but they can also make the bad days so much better too. The fact that they need me, makes me get up, keep moving, even if some days it's barely a shuffle. Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

I'm grateful for this. Because of it I am going to be a much better, much more compassionate, understanding person. But I am looking forward (so much) to the day when I can be the person who used to feel this way, instead of the person who does.


  1. I have every confidence you will get to that day. But will still send up a few prayers that it is soon. Hugs xx

  2. Thank God that today is not forever. But I hope you are getting the support you need through counselling, medication, assistance from family or friends. Sending a prayer that the light with come through again for you to stay real soon. xx

  3. Oh Robyn, big hugs. I wish I could sit down and have a coffee with you. Instead, I will say - You will get through this. One day at a time. It's a horrible place to be in the midst of it all, but I pray that the dark clouds will lift and the sun will shine again for you soon.xx

  4. I know what you mean. You worded it so well. Don't be too frightened to be real around your kids. They love you good days and bad. That's the hardest thing for me to let them see me sad but sometimes when I can't pull myself together they would rather see me sad than not see me at all.

  5. Oh Robyn, you write about the depths of this awfulness so well, and your words will be an encouragement to many who walk the same road. Also I know how close you were to your sister and how her moving away recently must have been so hard - for you both. Hang in there.

  6. No, you probably wouldn't feel this way if you weren't a mother, because it's probably post-natal depression.... but of course it's not their fault (just like it's not your fault). I think you are amazing, the way you are able to write about this, and still thank God for it. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. Praying for you xx

  7. fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely, this was so beautiful and heart breaking at the same time xx

  8. Oh please take care, and get some help. Maybe you can pal up with another young mom for some play dates. Even some time where one mother watches all the kids while the other mother has some time to do something special.


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