It's not the kids. They're hard work, yes, but they've actually been pretty good. It's not Shane. He's busy, and a bit stressed and has been away a lot and that's tough. But mostly it's just been me. I just have to work so very hard to be okay... and I know it's not supposed to be like this. Lately I've just been feeling like the nicest thing in the world would be to sleep, and not wake up for a really, really long time.
It doesn't help that Shane is away again this week. Coping just gets that much harder when he's away. Before you have children, you just never really realise how much of a weight they are upon your shoulders. I feel like the most terrible Mum, because I've noticed how much shorter my fuse is, it feels like I get sad and angry a lot of the time, and I hate that my kids seem to be the ones who suffer the most from it.
But anyway, enough of that. Things have been getting better again, and even though today has been tough, I've been able to see the light a lot more. I've been thinking a bit lately, but I don't think I am depressed. Not truly depressed. I'm having a tough time at the moment, yes, but I still don't think I have true depression. I'd call it an acute awareness of the fact that I was not born for this world.
I think most of what my problem is, is that I keep expecting that at one point, things are going to get easier. Now I'm not saying that life is perpetual suffering, and it's true that right now I am struggling, but I think I need to remember that life is never going to be what I imagine. It will never be what I want or need it to be. That comes later. So right now I'm going to try to make the best of what I have, but remember that at the same time, this is not all there is.
Anyway, I have a lot of posts coming up in the near future. I can't wait to write about how big Charlie is now, and I have to write a post about Georgie's birthday (she's getting so big!), but for now, here is another song that probably sums up everything I was trying to say perfectly.