Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Not made for here

I've been struggling, and I stopped blogging. And the longer it's been since I stopped, the harder it is to write.

It's not the kids. They're hard work, yes, but they've actually been pretty good. It's not Shane. He's busy, and a bit stressed and has been away a lot and that's tough. But mostly it's just been me. I just have to work so very hard to be okay... and I know it's not supposed to be like this. Lately I've just been feeling like the nicest thing in the world would be to sleep, and not wake up for a really, really long time.

It doesn't help that Shane is away again this week. Coping just gets that much harder when he's away. Before you have children, you just never really realise how much of a weight they are upon your shoulders. I feel like the most terrible Mum, because I've noticed how much shorter my fuse is, it feels like I get sad and angry a lot of the time, and I hate that my kids seem to be the ones who suffer the most from it.

But anyway, enough of that. Things have been getting better again, and even though today has been tough, I've been able to see the light a lot more. I've been thinking a bit lately, but I don't think I am depressed. Not truly depressed. I'm having a tough time at the moment, yes, but I still don't think I have true depression. I'd call it an acute awareness of the fact that I was not born for this world.

I think most of what my problem is, is that I keep expecting that at one point, things are going to get easier. Now I'm not saying that life is perpetual suffering, and it's true that right now I am struggling, but I think I need to remember that life is never going to be what I imagine. It will never be what I want or need it to be. That comes later. So right now I'm going to try to make the best of what I have, but remember that at the same time, this is not all there is.

Anyway, I have a lot of posts coming up in the near future. I can't wait to write about how big Charlie is now, and I have to write a post about Georgie's birthday (she's getting so big!), but for now, here is another song that probably sums up everything I was trying to say perfectly.


  1. That does explain that feeling of 'waiting' that I so often get. I feel like I'm waiting for something important, but it's probably just my spirit.

    Life will always bring us unexpected things - some of them are wonderful and others not so much! I hope you continue to feel more able to cope with the tougher stuff. xxx

  2. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. The path we walk is not always easy but I am sure it leads to great things.

  3. Sometimes you just have to write. Other times, not so much. I'm sorry it's been grey. Hard even. I'll keep my fingers crossed that all will be well again soon. You know, full time. ;)

  4. Sorry to hear you've been feeling a bit out of sorts. I've long been in awe of what you achieve, and more so since having my own bub. I too sometimes take a hiatus from the blogging world, but when I do return yours is always the first one I catch up on!


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