Today is one of 'those' days. It's been one of those weeks actually. Just when I felt like the fog was lifting. Once again, Georgie is sick, (I freaking hate asthma!) and I am beyond tired. I have so many blog posts in my head, but cannot seem to translate that into actual writing. Every time I get a chance to blog, I sit in front of the computer, and then decide to go to bed instead. But today I'm going to try. I can't promise that it will award winning stuff (really, when can I promise that?) but it's what's in my head today.
You want to know why Mother's are so good at guilt trips? It's because they feel guilty. All. of. the. time. I feel guilty when my kids cry, when I yell and lose my temper. I feel guilty because I am so tired and I just want them to go away. I feel guilty when they're sick, or not eating properly. I feel guilty when they're cold, or hot. I feel guilty when they're sad, and I feel guilty when they're happy because I feel like they don't feel happy, often enough. Really, I just lurch from one guilty feeling to another.
I never realised that the worst thing I could be, isn't a murderer or a thief or a liar or a cheat. The worst thing I can do isn't on the list of seven deadly sins, it's not to break one of the commandments or anything like that. The worst thing in the world I can be... is a bad mother. Honestly, Kony 2012 has got nothing on me.
I take my children shopping, and while Charlie cries, Georgie coughs near an old lady who gives me a 'look' and it makes me want to punch her. We are almost out of Ventolin and I have somehow lost the repeat prescription, so we have another trip to the Doctor to look forward to, and I wonder how many more times I can take my sick children to the Doctor's before the receptionists say "What are you doing to these poor children"? Last night, the very last thing my daughter heard from her Mother before she went to sleep was 'Georgie, shut up!".
I know that this is just a moment. Tomorrow could be better. There is a tomorrow that will be better. This will not last forever. But right now it feels like I am the last person in the world who should be looking after my children. I just don't like them. And I really don't like myself.
I'm glad for this community. For the sharing. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I am not alone. That right now there is some other mother losing her shiz at her child, and then stuffing those bad feeling down with chocolate.
Other mothers get it. You can have the best, most supportive husband in the world. But he still won't understand completely. They have different struggles, the provider struggles, the job struggles. But the bad mother struggles? They just can't understand.
And so, we whine and we moan about our kids. It helps. We joke about farming them out to someone else, and we laugh about the fact that we are going crazy. Because deep down, we are terrified of being that Bad Mother.