Lonely

Most of the time, my life is good. And I know it. I appreciate the fact that I am better off than about 90% of the world's population.

But on days like today, all I know is I'm lonely.

I hate having my husband away.

I feel so useless staying at home.

I know that being a Mum is a very important job. But at the same time, is it all I am? Because at times I feel.... unfulfilled. I feel horrible for saying that. But there it is.

Maybe it's because I only have one child. Maybe with more children the feeling will go away and I'll feel like I'm achieving more.

I really do think that this, this being a stay-at-home-mum, is of value. I believe that I am doing something, giving my child something that is so worthwhile.

But at times, like now, I don't feel it.

I've mentioned it before, how I didn't think earning money defined me. And I don't. But when me staying at home means my husband works so hard, it just doesn't sit well. Sometimes, he is away for weeks on end, with only weekends at home in between. We could change. We could downsize. Live on less. But really if I'm honest, the problem also comes from the fact that Shane's work isn't just about money. He also works for his family's business. So it's much more complicated than a regular job.

His parents have helped us out an awful lot over the years. And Shane does value the fact that he has gotten to know his Father so well. He has spent a lot of time with his Dad. They have gotten to know each other, and respect one another as men. There are so many men who would give anything for more time with their Dad, and Shane knows that. But at the same time, there is also a lot of baggage that is involved when you work with family. There is a very high cost. And some days it's all just too hard.

Shane often says, if he dies tomorrow he would be so disappointed. He wouldn't have spent as much time with us as he could have. And that hurts. We are only looking at this, his current work situation, as being a very short-term thing, in terms of how long you have to live. But at the same time, we don't know the number of our days. And we want to spend as many of them as we can together as family.

I am so incredibly grateful for Georgina. She is so much sunshine in my life. Loving her, looking after he, makes me smile constantly and I'm so glad for that.

But it too, comes with a cost. It means that I have a lot of space. Sometimes too much. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes she can drive me practically insane. But, many of the things I do as a Mum right now, they don't necessarily require much, intellectually, of me. So at times, I have a lot of time to think. To over-think.

I wish I could do something more that challenged me a little you know? I don't want to be crazy-busy and not be able to stop and smell the roses, but at the same time, you can only smell so many roses.

I want to get my mind busier.

I don't know how yet, and I don't know that now is the right time to do anything. But I wish I did. And I wish I knew how to be okay with being alone every night. With waking up alone every morning. It's not really a gap that other people can fill either. I am glad to live near family and have friends. But they can only help so much. And at the end of the day other people go back to their own houses and families.

I hate the late afternoons. When the clock hits about 5:30pm or so, Georgie needs to be home, having dinner, going to bed. Most afternoons find me at Mum's. And oh, how I dread going home. Some days it is too hard, going back to a cold empty house. Having to be busy, busy getting Georgie ready for bed. I can't wait to put her to bed at night, to have space, but at the same time I hate it, because I miss her company.

Maybe that's why I've run with blogging so much. It's a chance, an opportunity, to get words out. To feel like I am still part of the world and not completely disconnected. To communicate and feel like I actually have something of value to offer. At least I can talk to Shane on the phone often. At least I have family. Sometimes the space is nice, I can have a bath and read at night. But sometimes it's too quiet. I know people who are desperate for what I've got. But knowing you have what others crave doesn't make what you have any easier.

Sometimes it's just not enough.

I am still lonely.

Wordless Wednesday: Grumpy Baby

On Monday Georgie was so grumpy that I would have just loved to pack her off to spend the day with her Daddy at work. Good idea, yes?

I've linked up with My little Drummer Boy for this one.

My Place and Yours: Cookbooks

Today's theme over at My Place and Yours is Cookbooks.

My cookbooks used to take pride of place in my pretty bookshelf.

But I ended up moving them because they were in the bottom shelves and somebody, (not mentioning any names) decided that when she got mobile, it was a good idea to rip them and eat them- maybe the pictures looked too good to resist? Consequently, the bottom shelves became toy shelves and now my cookbooks live here.

 

In my coffee table drawer. They are a bit squished, and hard to get to, but at least they're safe.

 

That is all my books except these two, which are used so regularly that they have to live in the kitchen. The first is my Day to Day cookery, which I've mentioned before, and the second is just a folder, but it holds all my favourite recipes that I've copied or printed off the internet or gotten a friend to write down. I would be very sad to lose it.

So that's where my cookbooks are kept. Why not hop on over to Kate and Michael + 3 and play along?

King or Cripple

This song is by Delirious? a band I grew up with. They no longer produce music and I'm so glad I got to see them live before they finished up. I love this song- the music just gets me you know? And the lyrics are very powerful.

When I am a Mum I will never...

Oh, how those words mock me now!

Not that I actually ever said them (I wasn't quite that stupid) but I thought them. Boy did I think them!

When I was going to be a Mum I was never going to:

Let my children eat junk food. It was going to be wholesome and nutritious all the way.
Let my children eat while roaming the house. It was to be the high chair or hungry.
Leave my children to cry in bed.
Use food as a distraction to keep my children quiet.
Be one of those mothers who let their child cry and cry in the supermarket while they ignored them. (I have since learned that the ignore method is actually not bad. Much better than the kill-them-now-method, at any rate.)

It wasn't just the things that I wasn't going to do either, I had many grandiose plans for my children's learning and development that were going to be put into practice too.

We were going to read stories ever day.
We were going to do craft and paint activities often (at last count, Georgie has painted once)
We were not going to watch any television until the child was at least 3. (Baby Einstein doesn't count though, right?)
I was going to watch my child closely, and never let her eat anything gross. (Ha!)


Turns out my theories were great, but they were just that. Theories. And, pre-baby Robyn, had never met her children. Or lived post-baby Robyn's life.

Now I know better. I know that one Sao can last for approximately one load of hanging out washing, or one blog post.  I know that leaving Georgie to cry is not going to hurt her, but I might sometimes if I don't go and take five minutes to breathe. I know that there are so many, many things that are just not worth stressing over.

I'm a lot less judgmental of other Mummies now. I mean, sure I can judge with the best of them- and I still do sometimes. But I'm learning that most of the time, when there's a Mother hanging onto a crying child with one hand, and losing her shiz while trying frantically to pick up the toys that the child has just broken with the other- that maybe she's just having a bad day. It does not necessarily mean that she is a bad Mother. And some days, we just all need a break.

Insert swear word here....

Image found here

 Today has been one of those days.

Today has been one of those days when you wake up to a dog tap, tap, tapping on your door letting you know it needs to go outside. Early. Then when you walk over to open the blinds, congratulating yourself on the fact that you let the dog out before she had an accident on the floor, you step in a puddle in the kitchen. You then glare at the other dog (who is not yours!) sitting in it's bed, watching you.

Today has been one of those days when you think, 'Oh well, since the baby is still asleep and I've started off badly, I'll make myself a poached egg for breakfast. That ought to cheer me up" Then, as you're sitting down in front on the computer about to catch up on your social media addiction with your egg on toast and cup of tea, you knock over your plate and tip said egg on the floor. On the white carpeted floor. Sunny side down. And you like your eggs runny. Side note: who the hell invented white carpet? I would like to kick both the person who invented white carpet, and the person who owned this house before us and bought white carpet!

Then, as you sit down to breakfast a second time, the baby wakes up.

Today is one of those days when you have playgroup on, and you'd really really like to stay home and just seethe, except, you have the key and the toys for playgroup. So staying at home isn't an option.

Today is one of those days when the dishes which were piling up yesterday, (and you were going to do them but bed was a better option) have somehow reached astronomical proportions today. It is a day when your house looks like a brothel (coincidentally, I've always wondered about that expression. I've never actually seen a brothel, but I would imagine that they can't be that dirty)

Today is one of those days when you are so grumpy at the world you just want to go back to bed, a day when you count the hours until your baby will go down for her nap because all day she crawls around the house making a noise like a grumpy, hungry calf, a day when you just want to go outside and yell and scream really loudly.

A day when the best thing that can be said about it, is that it will be over.

Tasty Tuesdays: Berry and Marscarpone Tart

On the weekend there was a fundraiser for Chaplaincy. It was a dessert night, so I made a Berry and Marscarpone tart. It is such a fun dessert to make! I love berries, and it's one of those desserts that seems very impressive, but is actually pretty easy to make. It's not good for you at all, so I only tend to make it for special occasions, because otherwise it is entirely possible that I could eat the whole thing!

Berry and Marscarpone Tart

For the pastry:

I always make the Biscuit Pastry from the Day to Day Cookery Book. It's the cookbook I follow for so much of my basic cooking. You could always make it even easier for yourself and buy a pastry shell but I've never had much trouble making pastry, although I know some people always seem to. My Grandma complained that she could never make a decent pastry. I also prefer making my own so you can make a nice flat-bottomed tart, instead of a pie shape one- but I'm sure it will taste great either way!

60g butter
1/3 cup white sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup plain flour
3/4 cup SR Flour
2 tbs cornflour

Beat butter and sugar to a cream, then add the egg and beat well. Then add the flours gradually to make a stiff paste. Knead well on a floured surface. Then wrap in plastic wrap and chill for 30 minutes. Roll out and use as required. Bake in moderate oven until golden.

 

For the Marscarpone cream:

250g tub marscarpone

1/3 cup double cream

1/4 cup white sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Grated lemon rind

Combine all ingredients in a bowl with an electric mixer. 

 

 

Then remove the tart from it's tin, place on a serving plate, and spread the cream filling into the tart shell.

 

 

 Then wash and chop your berries, I used a combination of strawberries, raspberries and blueberries.

 

At this point your baby (if you have one) may be doing something like this.

 

Then you get to decorate the tart with the berries.In my opinion the more berries you use, the better!

 

Finally, you can warm some strawberry jam and spread it in your berries with a pastry brush to give the berries a nice glaze if you want to. And voila! A beautiful berry tart that is sure to impress! 

 I must admit that this tart is probably better to be made in the summer months- my berries were quite nice, (especially considering the season) but they were not cheap! And it's the type of recipe that requires fresh berries. It really is a beautiful tart though- I hope you enjoy it!