Sometimes, when something really awful happens in the world. I don't know how to stop it poisoning me.
This week, there has been a particularly nasty case that has come to light, about a boy who was bought and raised by two men, as their child, for the sole purpose of their sexual gratification.
I hate it. I just hate it. There are no words for the evil that exists in this world sometimes.
It would be so easy to dwell on this.
My mind, it goes a million miles an hour. Sometimes I cannot stand my imagination.
When I was a little girl, I remember Mum wouldn't let me go to a funeral with her. I was only very small, and I know some people didn't understand why. But she knew that my imagination was too good. That I would imagine the dead body inside the coffin, being buried deeply into the ground. She knew that in my head, I would place my own little body inside that box, and bury myself deeply into the ground. She protected me from my brain.
I wish someone could protect me from myself now.
Because I can't stop. Thinking. I don't want to change my baby boy's nappy, and look at his perfect little genitalia, because it reminds me, and I just cannot understand what drives people to do such things. And how? How? I can't stop wondering, how they did it. How did they do that, and conceal it from people? Did he never go to childcare, school? A doctor? What kinds of things would have happened to his little body? How did nobody see?
I don't know how to be, when such pain exists. I don't want to be.
I want to be strong and brave. I want to be a person who helps keeps people safe. I want to help make sure that this doesn't happen. But I don't know how. I don't know how to do it, without letting it turn me into a deep depressed ball of pain and misery.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't want to bring this up. Shane can't stand to hear it. And I understand why. But it's eating me alive. I have to try and make sense of this and get it out somewhere. And what right do I have to these feelings? What right do I have to not cope, when I've been given so much more than some people even can dream of?
But the evil. It is just there.
It would be so easy to let it consume everything. And to just stop functioning. I try to turn away from things if I know they are going to upset me. But I don't want to live in a bubble either. And sometimes, you don't get any warning. You will just be drinking your morning cup of coffee... and Bam! There it is.
How does He stand us? How does He do this? God, I do not understand how you do this!
But He loves. He loves. He loves us so very deeply.
The children who are hurt. He loves them more than they can imagine. And He loves the people who do the hurting. He loves the abusers and the rapists and the peadophiles and the murderers. He loves those who are, and the ones who once were, hurt and abused and suffering. He loves the ones who cause it now. He Loves, He Loves, He Loves.
The only thing I can hold on to. Is how much He loves.
I still don't understand. But He Loves.