I've had a funny relationship with blogging lately. Every time I sit down in front of the computer screen to type something out, the words just don't seem right. I can't express myself properly, I think too much, I feel stupid... and so I inevitably end up pressing delete and posting nothing at all.
I started getting afraid.
Of what people would think. Of me. Of my writing. Of my mothering. It felt too... personal. Or something. I got all up in my head.
It's probably no secret that I've been having a rough time lately. I'm pretty certain I've been battling a bit of PND. It's not too bad. But it's enough to make living just really hard, you know? It takes so much effort, just to stay in control of my mind. To keep myself going. To try and be happy. It's taken so much out of me just to be. And I've been so tired, for so long.
Being, just hasn't come easily these last few months.
It's hardly surprising. Two under two is a lot of work. And Shane's job change has given both of us a pretty steep learning curve. I'm sure if you've read any of my recent posts, you could see it.
My last post in particular, came from a pretty raw place. But it hasn't all been that bad. I turned comments off for that post, because I was stuck in a moment, in a pity party, and I knew it. I just wanted to get it out, and move on. I don't really want to make people feel sorry for me, and I wasn't fishing to be told that I'm a good Mum. I know I am, most of the time. Except for when I get stuck.
But writing these things down, helps give me some kind of release.
I need to write again.
So I'm planning to post a lot more often in the future. I want to stop thinking, and over-analysing. Stop thinking 'do people really need to read this?' and rather, ask myself, 'do I need to get this out of my head?'
Thanks for sticking with me this far. I'm not done yet.