Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Just tell me it will get better.

I just can't seem to be okay. No matter how hard I try.

I want to be better.

I'm sure that life isn't supposed to be like this. I refuse to accept that this is normal. It is not okay to feel like this.

I never had to try this hard to stay happy. To be all right.

I am angry, all of the time. I am frustrated, and unreasonable, and horrible. Or I am tired, apathetic, and disinterested. I don't know how to stop.

What do I do? How do I change?

I look at the shambles around me, and tell myself, "If I just clean the house, things will be better." Or "If I could just have some time to myself......... If I could just go get a haircut.......If I could just get a massage.....If I could just lose some weight......If I could just get the chance to go for a swim......... If I could just not be me."

I am angry at everyone around me. Because I feel like if they knew, if they really understood, they would try harder, they would be kinder. They would fix it.

But I know it's not like that.

They don't know, because I hide. I am so good at making everything okay on the outside. So superficial.

My floors are clean, and my dishes are done. But my cupboards are stuffed so full with junk and crap and disorganisation, you can't even open them without spilling out all the mess.

I don't ask for help. Because I'm scared of what people will think. And I'm scared that they will get tired of me. I don't want to be anyone's burden. Besides, what are they going to do? I don't even know how anyone could help me. Maybe if they came into my life and took over every single responsibility that I had. And just let me sleep, for a very, very long time.

But that's not an option. And deep down, I know it probably wouldn't help anyway.

I know it's not their fault. Until I felt like this, I didn't know what it was like. I know that many people I've known, and know, have felt it too.

You just have to keep on going. One foot in front of the other. One moment at a time.

I try keeping myself busy. So busy cleaning, doing, so that I can't stop to think about this. Or I try to go out. Spend time with people so that I am distracted from myself. I try to let myself rest. Ignore the housework, read a book. I try to pray, try to worship and pour out all my troubles to God.

But it doesn't work. I just get more highly strung. More tense. I compare myself unfavorably all the time. The house gets dirtier. My insincere worship hits the ceiling and falls back to the ground with a thud.

Just not good enough.

It's no good telling myself that it could be worse. I know that there are people suffering through far worse than I've even imagined. But that doesn't change how I feel.

I hate looking in the mirror and not being able to see anything that I like.

I know. I have value. I know I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that the creator of the universe loves me, and cares for me. I know I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people around me who love me and care for me. I know. I know. I know.

But knowing something, and believing it are two vastly different things.
How do you stop this?

I feel broken. Unable to be fixed. Of no use. Ineffectual. Not working. Defective.

I wish I could stop writing this rubbish. I'm sick of moaning and whining. All this introspective garbage. But I can't seem to write anything else. And I have to get this out somehow. But I am (mostly) okay. Really. I'm not going to go out and end it all or anything like that. My people need me.

But I just want to do this better. There has to be a better way to live.

Life can't stay this way forever.

Can it?


  1. oh wow. Much love to you beautiful lady. I have no answers or even words to offer. My heart goes out to you. It is terrible to feel as you do, I hope you steer your way through. It won't go on forever.

    Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

  2. I don't know where to begin for my comment. Reading your post today, I can so easily put myself there, at your desk typing this post.

    Pretending is easy- to begin with, Asking for help and accepting it is hard- to begin with. Over time, pretending all is ok gets harder, asking for and accepting help gets easier.

    Life will get easier, it will get happier. It takes time, love and support from those around you and don't ever be afraid to ask for help.

    God bless you,

  3. Aw sweetie. I could have written this. Still could write it from time to time. As our lovely Lise once wrote for me:

    "The tide will turn, sometime, and I will still be here.

    So glad to know you, so glad to be your friend."

    You are to me sunshine and light. My little sister, my friend.

    You are cherished, delighted in, valued.

    Love xoxo

  4. Oh Robyn, sounds like you are in a really hard place. I pray that you have the strength and the support around you so you can ask for help, and get it!

    Thinking and praying.

  5. Oh Robyn, I'm aching for you, that was beautifully written, but comes from such a hard place. Thankyou for your honesty. I'm praying that you have strong people around you who can help you work a few things out. I'm thankful for the things you know, and praying that you can start believing them too. Hoping you can get some swims in soon, and they give you space to think and be at peace. Don't stop being You - You are awesome, just as you are!

  6. Robyn!! Lies, lies, lies. All these things those nasty little voices are telling you are lies. You are amazing! The best mum Georgie and Charlie could ever have. Who cares if your cupboards are a mess? I am yet to see it mentioned in the bible as a sin to have a messy cupboard. (If it is then most of us are in real trouble!) Have you seen those photos of you and your little man? The photographer picked you to take photos of because you are beautiful! I wish you could see what I see. :) Love you!


  7. It will get better some day. You are lovely, and one day being you will be lovely. Sending hugs xx

  8. Oh you poor thing. We all go through hard times. I hope you have someone that can help you find your smile :). I'll be praying for you. Rachel xx

    #TeamIBOT was here x

  9. Robyn, you are loved, you are precious. I know sometimes knowing the truth and believing it are 2 different things but belief starts with knowing. Listen to the truth beautiful girl, and listen over and over again, replace that rubbish with the truth. I love you, so, so much.

    Jenny xx

  10. Oh, this was such a heart felt post.
    Are you ok?
    Everybody falls down. It happens. It's how long you stay down that's the key.
    Have you got someone to help you get up?
    Believe in yourself. Believe in your strength. Believe in your worth.
    And speak kindly to yourself.
    Your mind only knows what you tell it - so start telling it strong wonderful empowering things.
    You can do this.
    You can stand tall again.
    I hope you are ok!
    Vising from IBOT
    Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit

  11. Robyn, I think you need help. You need to go to a doctor and get some help. I've been here, and I know it and it's so hard for God's truth to get through when your mind is so busy with all the lies. Asking for help is hard, but even if you just get some medication, and there is nothing wrong with that, you will soon begin to feel more empowered to ask for help. It's the depression that's muddling your thoughts.
    You have a lot going on with Georgie, and two little kids and Shane being away a reasonable amount. It's ok and normal to feel this way.

    Please, please go and see a doctor.
    Tomorrow. xxx

  12. H Robyn, you know what darl? Things aren't going to change all that much cause something does need to change for the change to happen. I'm reading your words, every single word and I know how you feel. I know you are not OK.

    The anger, the frustration, the tiredness, the neverending spin of your mind, wondering why people aren't stepping up. Don't hide from yourself darling Robyn. Accept this is how you are feeling and that you don't want to feel like this any more.

    There are some unreal resources on Beyond Blue in terms of online surveys and questionnaires, the best thing you can do for yourself is to say you aren't OK and make a long appointment with a trusted GP.

    There are lots of things you can do or seek advice and help about. Not sure if you got to read my R U OK?DAY post with all the photos of me with cardboard (classy)? I 've been really unwell but I'm OK now cause I do things to look after my mental and emotional wellbeing, this involves counselling, medication, family support and self care including breaks from the kids. Please, please, please these feelings, they are real and you can do something about them to help you enjoy life.

    motherhood and marriage are stinking hard work as well all know, but us mums have to give ourselves a chance and make a statement that our health and emotional and mental wellbeing is paramount.

    lots of love to you, feel free to drop me a line if you ever want to chat or someone to listen, just listen. xxx gemma

  13. I'm going to pray for you, and I'm going to take you swimming! That's all I know to do.....


Thanks for stopping by, I would so love to hear your thoughts!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...