Tuesday, August 28, 2012

No light

I never imagined it would be like this.

Being trapped, and not knowing how to do this.

You know what sucks? Being stuck in a crappy situation, that you have absolutely no control over.

I didn't realise that I would be so bad at parenting. I thought I would be better, kinder, more fun, more patient. Without the Wiggles, I'd be screwed.

How can I teach my child self control, when I have none? How can she learn how to love unconditionally, when I don't? How do I make their world stable and safe and secure, when my world isn't?  How do I teach them patience, and kindness and compassion when I have none? The further in I go in motherhood, the more I am convinced that I am just not the right person for the job.

I thought I was an okay person before I had kids. Not, you know, the best person in the world, but okay. But as a parent, I really don't like myself. It would be so nice to give in. To stop, and be lazy, and not think, not follow routine, not have to do. But I can't. These tiny people need me.

I just don't know what to do.

When my little girl cries and screams and hits and kicks when she wakes up. It breaks my heart. I don't know what is wrong, why she is sad, and it hurts me. But it also makes me angry. I want to smack her and shout at her to just stop it! I just want to be able to fix it, and I don't know how.

I don't know how to care for these people, my family. I don't know how to meet their needs. I don't know how to meet my needs. I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like I can't do anything right. I hate feeling left out, and I hate dealing with insecurities that I thought I'd managed to leave in high-school. I hate this. I hate the weakness. As far as I'm concerned, you put on a brave face and keep fighting. Whining about it won't do you any good. Just keep going, and eventually you'll get there.

But what do you do when you just don't know if you can keep going anymore?

I suck at this.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...