I've been extremely flat lately. Georgie, you had your 4 month needles yesterday and have been a bit grumpy. Plus I think I've been coming down to earth from all the stress of everyone being sick. And great grandma still isn't doing too well.
I think it's just very difficult making the switch from being a full time worker to a full time mummy. I worked in childcare before you were born and I loved it. I loved the busyness and the children- and part of me would love to go back.... but the other stronger part never ever would, because I couldn't stand the thought of working with other children while somebody else had you. Plus, I know that nobody could ever care about you as much or as well as I could. And I know that even on days when I don't like you, and you cry and make me want to run away. I still love you. And somebody who is paid to care for you doesn't... and that makes the world of difference. Plus I know that you are growing, and eventually we will play together, and hopefully one day you will have brothers or sisters, and then I will be so busy I won't know what to do!
But right now, it's still hard.
I went to playgroup today and you know what? I think having a baby has made me stupider... I have forgotten how to talk to people! I almost feel like the world has left me behind. I just feel so removed from my life. I feel like a completely different person and I'm still trying to figure out who that person is. Plus it doesn't help that the pregnancy weight is not coming off very easily (or at all) and all I want to do is go for a swim or go to the gym and do an exercise class- but that's just not possible. Shane has been too busy at work to let me go out, and I don't really want to be continuously bothering Grandma or your aunties- it's just tough.
Now Georgie, this isn't about you- I would not give you up for anything, and I love you and enjoy you so much! But being a mum can be very difficult, you'll probably feel exactly the same one day.
So anyway, I thought instead of continuing to feel ordinary and icky. I might try something to help pick things up a bit. So, I'm going to tell you the story of how your Dad and I first met.
We went to the same school and he was in the grade above mine. I can honestly say I never even knew who Shane was before our friendship groups started hanging out. Your Dad kept under the radar a fair bit during middle school. But then, when I was in Grade 11, and he was in Grade 12, our groups started hanging out. And my best friend started going out with one of his friends. So we were all together during lunch breaks, and then we began inviting each other to parties. I started noticing Shane, and he started noticing me, and eventually we spent a fair bit of time together.
I remember it was one of my friends parties, and we were both out on the deck in some hammocks, and Shane told me "I think I'm in love with you." And he cried! He used to be very sweet and sensitive, and even though he's changed a lot and toughened up and seems different now- he's still like that underneath. You know what's terrible? I don't even remember what I said back to him that night! But anyway, we started dating, and got a bit too close- but fortunately God had his hand on both of us and He reached Shane and so he became a Christian and he started coming to church with me.
We continued dating when Shane went away to Uni, decided not to go, came back, I did Grade 12, Shane studied IT and then we moved away. Then we got engaged even though I was only 17 and your Dad was only 18. Then I lived on-campus at University and studied teaching, and your Dad went to Bible College. That summer, we came back home and got married. I was 18 and Shane was 19 by then.
Georgie, I would not have chosen to get married at 18. Sometimes I think it it would have been nice to have been single for a while and maybe traveled- just done things differently. But you don't pick the timing when you meet the person you love. And I think that maybe it was God's protection over us. Getting married young was hard, but it was also wonderful. Your Dad is the only man I have ever kissed, slept with, or loved.
Anyway, since then, we have lived away for a year, I decided that I didn't want to teach and started working in childcare instead. We moved back home to family, Shane started working for his parents driving trucks, we bought a house, got a dog, traveled, and then, four years after we got married, you were born!
Georgie, I do not regret any of it. Things have been difficult at times, but they have also been wonderful. And right now, my life may not be that exciting or glamorous... but it is a good life.