Tired thoughts

Three year olds huh? They’re the perfect mix of so-cute-you-wanna-gobble-them-up, and so-hard-you-wanna-run-away. I love my Ted. I really do. But he is not easy to have around lately. It’s so tough trying to do anything that is structured with the big kids, because he just blunders in like a toddler-shaped Godzilla and renders everything impossible. In his defence, he’s been a bit unwell. But man, is he ever pushing my buttons lately!

Honestly, I’m trying so hard to be grateful that I can work from home, and look after the kids and we haven’t lost jobs and stuff..... but I had just come out the other side of stay at home motherhood. And I was glad. I am a nicer and better Mum when I work. Not full time. I had been doing four days a week this past term, and that was a bit much. But three days is perfect. It gives me a bit of breathing room, and honestly, I think I appreciate the time I spend with my kids more. Mentally, I am much better when I’m working. But yet...... here we are. I’m trying to make my peace with it, and make the best of it. But man, the three year old sure doesn’t help matters.

Last night we had a ‘sleepover’ in the lounge room. We had homemade pizza and watched a movie and set up the mattresses on the floor. It went pretty well, but the kids had a super late night, and as a result we’ve all been a bit grumpy today. It’s probably been one of the toughest days so far. I think we’re all a bit sick of each other, and missing ‘normal.’

I know personally, I kind of went downhill after I went up to the kids school and picked up their term two work. I think the realisation just hit me.... that they won’t be going to school again after these holidays, and that things are going to look very very different for a long time. Not just a few weeks. I think I’m so anxious too, because you read about how awful things are in other places, and here where we are in rural Australia it hasn’t even hit yet. We don’t even have any confirmed cases in our region. Which is good, but it’s also scary to think about what’s to come.

Anyway, I’m not quite sure where I’m going tonight, I think I’m just really tired too, and probably things will all seem easier after a good nights sleep. Here’s hoping we all get one!

Adjusting

It’s been three days home now. Not a long stretch by any standards. And yet, it’s feel different. I think because we’ve literally been at home for three days. It’s funny, I’ve always thought we weren’t crazy social, but I think when you cut out everything, you really do notice how much you do.

We’re going along ok for the most part. Ted had a bit of a tummy bug on Thursday night and Friday. He’s pretty good now, but still a tiny but off colour. Its funny, even though I’m sure he just picked up a tummy bug at daycare because there is one going around, on Friday morning I still was panicking slightly about the corona virus. It probably didn’t help that I’d had a sleepless night and wasn’t thinking clearly. But it’s amazing how the fear and paranoia can get a hold of you. It’s very tough not to let your mind run away with you, even though you’re sure it’s just regular everyday illness. I was really grateful when he improved, anyway!

The weekend was very slow. Far too many screens watched. But I’m not too worried. I figure we will reign it in this week, but I’m in no rush to start homeschooling either. The kids have just had a full term, so I figure they need a little bit of a rest before anything too serious starts anyway. I’m planning on just taking it slowly this week. We are going to do some crafty activities, and Georgie has grand plans to do some baking. I though we might do a sleepover in the lounge room one night, and try to do a few fun things. But I think I will work hard on trying to develop routine and structure this week, especially because we won’t be going anywhere to break the days up.

Today we had church online, which was ok... but oh I must admit I’m missing proper church so much. I think it just really sets my head right every week, and I think I’m going to appreciate it a lot more when it’s back! Especially corporate worship. But I am supposed to be meeting online with my discipleship girls tomorrow, so I hope that goes ahead. It will really help. Anyway, that’s enough for now. I’m planning on getting the kids to start writing daily journal entries too, so that will be good for them. Interesting to see what they will write!

The COVID-19 Diaries

So, the whole world is basically in quarantine at the moment, due to the pandemic that is sweeping the globe (as they say). And I’ve been toying with the idea of resurrecting my blog as a journal of sorts while I’m home with the kids. I’m not 100% sure what this is going to look like. I don’t know if I’ll stick with it, and I’m not even sure if I’ll mention to anyone that I’m back here. But it just felt like a thing to do.

So I’m going with it. Where we live in Australia, the schools have just all stopped early for Easter break, and I think most of us are settling in now for a long while. Part of me is relieved because it’s easier than sending kids to school and being unsure if that’s the right thing to do. And it’s nice to know we are as safe as we can be. Part of me is hopeful that this will be a lovely time of family bonding. But most of me is freaking out at the idea of all of us being stuck under one roof for God knows how long.

You see, for me, when parenting, my secret weapon has always been to get out. If kids are fighting, or things are tough, I’ve always been inclined to go to the pool, or the park, to the library, or playgroup, or to Grandma’s house, or for a walk, or heck, just a drive in the car. I’ve always found a change of scenery a good way to cope with difficult times with my kids. And now.... here we are.

But I keep reminding myself that everything really is ok. We are safe, and healthy (aside from Ted who spent this evening vomiting- what a way to start quarantine!). But things are really pretty good. We have food, we have each other, the weather is beautiful, we have a massive yard, we haven’t lost our jobs, and we will be fine. Learning to trust God daily right now! But anyway. Here we are. Corona virus quarantine starts tomorrow. Let’s do it.

Just a silly little poem by a Mum.

Not perfect. Never was.

But I love them.

I hope they remember waking up with an extra blanket on when it’s cold.

I hope they remember going to bed with full bellies, even if we weren’t the perfect family eating at the table all the time.

I hope they remember the music. The dancing. The worshipping god and praising in the storms.

I hope they remember that we worked hard, and did our best, and I hope they remember the ‘sorry’ when we failed.

I hope they remember the laughter and the silliness, and that they can learn to understand and forgive the stress and anger.

I hope they learned that people make mistakes, and get angry, but that it doesn’t mean that they’re ‘bad’ or ‘failures’ just forgiven sinners who will try again tomorrow.

I hope they remember the people. Their people. And they continue to build lifelong relationships that provide fellowship and encouragement.

I hope that they can always come home and feel the cares of the world lift off their shoulders for a tiny bit.

I hope they keep talking (even when I wish they’d be quiet!)

I hope they love, and know that they are and always will be loved. Richly and abundantly.

I hope that even when it’s tough, that they can learn to trust and hope in something greater than themselves.

I know they will be ok.

By Robyn Sellars 

On trusting.

My family is in a season of stress right now. I don't even quite know why. Shane and I are both studying, and I'm working a bit now, his job is incredibly stressful, Ted is teething, and the big kids are at the end of a school term.... but it feels like there is so much more going on. Something unseen, bubbling under the surface, and I feel powerless against it, as it attacks us.

And I don't know what to do. I literally don't. I am trusting God with all of me, because I know that He is stronger, and more powerful than anything that can come against us. And so I bake muffins, because the only thing I know how to do is feed my family. I bake muffins, and I pray. I cry, and I scream, and I trust God, because He alone is my stronghold and my shield. I cook dinner during the middle of the day so the world doesn't implode in the afternoon. I dread school pick up because there are so many emotions, and I try desperately to be the the rock in the storm, and cling to the Rock in this storm. I pray. And I make the beds, and I try to make sure everyone has clean clothes. And I know that He who began good work will carry it on to completion. I try to calm my seething rage that is present under the surface, and I try to forgive. I am the meat in the sandwich. I apologise when I fail, over and over again,  and force myself to believe that I am saved by grace, not by works. I trust that God has plans to prosper me, not to harm me, and I choose to believe that this season will end, and that God can accomplish the impossible, and one day we will look back and go; yes, that was a really tough time.

Bleak

Hi there. It's been a while I know. Every now and then I thought about opening up my blogger app and tapping out a post... and then I just didn't. Honestly? I'm just so tired and sad that I don't even know what I could say. 

The truth is that I just don't do well after babies. The first six months everything is fine and dandy, and then after that I just watch myself.. slip.

I believe that things can get better. I believe that God loves me. That who he is makes who I am enough. But I don't feel it right now. I think of my future. And my life, and everything I am responsible for and to. And I just feel weary and exhausted. It would be so very nice to go to sleep for a very, very long time.

But I am here. Still trying. Still trusting. And I know that God is greater than my struggles. I just have to keep going. 

In praise of a mother

I am tired at the moment. There is so much on the go lately, and all I want to do is stop. Just stop for a few days, and take a moment, you know? I never knew. I never had any idea of just how weighty the responsibilities, and duties, and tasks and chores that fell on a Mothers shoulders were. I never really understood the weariness that it can bring. I know I have years (and years and years!) left ahead of me. I am just at the beginning of my long journey. But it is making me realise how all-encompassing and self-sacrificing a Mothers love is, and it is making me realise just how much, day in and day out, my Mother was Jesus to me.

So thank you Mum. Thank you for waking up, every single morning and making sure I had enough to eat before I went into the world. Thank you for waking me, dressing me, and staying up late at night ironing my clothes so I would look nice, even though all you wanted was your bed. Thank you for washing and folding clothes. Thank you for packing my lunch boxes, and doing the groceries, every single week of my childhood, so that I always had nutrious food to eat, and never, ever went hungry.

Thank you for driving me to school, and making me walk up the street to school when I get older. Thank you for expecting high achievement from me. Your high expectations were the reason I succeeded and continue to have high expectations of myself, and thank you for being a safe place to land when I fell short. Thank you for picking me up, and being home in the afternoon, with afternoon tea and a 'how was your day?' even though I often didn't bother to ask how your day was, and the response you got at times was grumpy, and rude, and sometimes even accusatory. Thank you for pikelets on rainy days. Thank you for helping me with my homework, and assignments, and caring not only about my social relationships, but also caring about my friends. Thank you for giving so freely of yourself.

Thank you for cooking dinner, every single night, especially when sometimes you would have been happy with eggs on toast, and often noses would turn up at the meals you prepared. Thank you for cleaning, and making beds, and washing dishes. Thank you for all the floors vacuumed and mopped and the toilets scrubbed. Thank you for making your house a home that was and still is a comfort to be in. Thank you for ballet lessons, and netball, and piano lessons, and Christmas presents and ice cream cakes at birthdays. 

Thank you for going to work and staying at home. Thank you for going without, and thank you for all the things you spent hard-earned dollars on, so that I could have. Thank you for praying for me, and trusting God with me.Thank you for the sleepless nights spent in prayer. Thank you for your constant support, and encouragement, and belief, and hope, and faith. Thank you for saying sorry when you lost your temper. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for loving Dad, and showing me how to be a wife. Thank you for continuing on, despite the lack of appreciation you received. Thank you for sacrificing, and putting your time, effort, and energy into those things that the world does not see, and does not value, but are priceless beyond measure. Thank you for a thousand other things that I have forgotten. Thank you for showing me how it's done.