Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Believing that I am enough


At Christmas, my church gives the children a book each. This year, Georgie got a book by Max Lucado, called The Tallest of the Smalls. He is such a good author! She likes the book. But I needed it.

Perhaps you don't know-
Or maybe you do- 
Of the too smalls of stiltsville
And their story for you

Where people like we,
Each evening at six,
Gather together,
for the purpose of sticks.

2015, so far has just been hard. I have been fighting a battle with my head, every day.

My little girl (who is not so little anymore) is about to start Kindy. And it has thrown me a bit. It's no secret that I struggle sometimes to feel like I am enough, as a stay at home mother. And now that I only have one child at home a few days a week, I feel like I should do something more, you know. Other people manage to do so much with their time after all, (oh, comparison is the thief of joy!). I have this internal list of things I try to do every day: Get dinner on the table at a decent hour, make sure I do the folding, do some form of exercise, don't stuff food into my mouth when I feel down, go the whole day without losing my temper at my kids. And honestly? Most days I'm lucky to even check one thing off that list.

Tall stilts upon which, 
A stiltsvillian can strut.
And be lifted above,
Those down in the rut.

Sometimes I imagine what the world would be like if we all walked around with big neon signs hanging over our heads, telling everyone what we are. You know what it feels like my sign would say? Inadequate. Insufficient. Found wanting.

Like Ollie, the boy
Whose pants have a patch,
Whose legs are too skinny,
Whose socks never match.

I came home from holidays, wracking my brain trying to think about what I should be doing with myself. This past week I've had all sorts of wild ideas, about things I could do. I've been looking at all kinds of study options. But to be honest, it's been a bit like last year all over again, with extra anxiety.

I know, I know, that now is not the time. And I don't actually think that study, or qualifications, or job titles will make me a better person. But yet, I kind of do. It's ridiculous, because I don't judge other people on what they do or don't do. Some of my most favourite people, don't do paid work, or have important degrees from universities. Yet, they are some of the people i like the most, the ones I know who do so much, are the kindest, and have the most wisdom.

The truth is, that deep in my heart I struggle constantly with feelings of self-doubt, and a lack of self-worth. I don't feel like I matter to the world, partly because I don't earn money or know stuff. But I also wonder, what will be enough? How many degrees would I have to get, how important would I have to be in the world? I suspect that ladder is one I could climb forever, and never reach the top. And I know I would miss out on so much important stuff along the way if I chose to put my feet on that ladder right now.

I know that what I really need is to stop listening to the lies that enemy is bombarding me with, and start listening when God tells me that I am priceless. It's just so hard, to know something, but not believe it. I am trying so hard, so hard to listen to God. The world just feels so much louder. When I first read The Tallest of the Smalls to Georgie, I cried.

Jesus smiled down and said
"Ollie. Come walk with me.
Keep your feet on the ground,
Refuse to be stilted;
Choose low over high,
Leave the system tip-tilted."

"You're precious my Ollie,
Not too short or too small.
I made you remember?
You're mine after all."

That book, was written for me. For where I am right now. I am doing my best to focus on Him, and on the truth. I am trying not to let my thoughts and feelings become bigger than they should be. I've got to believe that my value is dependent on who He is. And I am trying to trust God, and live according to his word, rather than get caught up in things that have no value. You know what a neon sign above my head would say, (if such things really existed)? Forgiven. Beloved. Property of Jesus. Sanctified. Justified. I am working on believing that.

I may not be much.
The smallest of smalls.
But since Jesus loves me.
I'm the tallest of talls.


For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. Matthew 23:12

1 comment:

  1. I love your writing! You are so talented :) This post was so beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing your heart. My daughter starts kindy this year and I'm in the same place. I feel like I should be doing more and that time is getting away. I feel like I'm not achieving much...but as you say that's not the way God looks at me or any of us. It's so important to keep looking to him and not to others for our sense of worth - so hard to do! I hope this year is a beautiful one for you.

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