Music. It makes me feel. And I really really need to feel. Listening to music, for me, makes me feel a bit like a person who is coming up for air after being underwater for a really long time. Music helps me get along with those jobs that I just hate. It speaks to my soul. It helps me talk to god. It just helps.
Words. I have always loved words. When I was younger, I can remember picking up the bottles of toilet cleaner when I was in the bathroom, and reading the bottles. Just because. I love the way words help keep my head occupied, I love the way stories help. Words help keep my mind busy so that it can't think too much. I have this thing for song lyrics. I remember an awful lot of words. They seem to get tattooed onto my brain. One day I want to put words together and see them print. I want to make people think and feel with my words. I hope I figure out how to one day.
Exercise helps too. A lot. Lately I have been riding my bike. Shane and I are training to do a bike race in September. I am only planning to do the 10k. But I have been doing up to 20k every second day lately. It makes me proud to make my body move. It makes me grateful that I have a body that does move. There are many many things I don't like about my body. But I like that it is quite strong. It is good for me to keep moving. It helps my head a lot.
Bible. I have been reading my bible like never before. I wouldn't say it is easy. And sometimes I still lapse. But I have been reading it more than ever before. Even though I have no idea how to translate everything I read into my own life, and when I do, I screw it up. For example. It's all good to read 1 Peter 3:8. Where the bible says do not repay insult with insult, and I know it applies to me. But still, the next morning when someone says something and I'm in a bad mood, I can promise you the words out of my mouth are not nice. I think it's harder when you try to change to be honest. I think I will always be a work in progress. And often the work is done wrong, because I rush ahead of the builder, thinking I know where he's going. Of course I don't, and we have to waste a lot of time redoing my mistakes. But still, change is happening.
I'm glad God loves me.
For now, I'm just trying to focus on the basics. I know He is with me, and I will just continue to do the best I can.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog via a search for 'christian bloggers Australia'. I loved reading your posts, and your honesty, and the fact that at your age, I wouldn't have had the guts to post on line like you have done. I am at a different stage of life to you. My 3 kids are all adults now. In fact, my 21 year old son said to me this morning "what's the worst stage of parenting ?". I said "The present one". I told him, look, whatever you do, its the first time you have done it. And all your kids are different. It doesn't matter whether its first solid food, first day of school, first driving lesson. Its all new. You think you are a terrible parent. Then God will show you something which proves that you aren't. The little encouragements come in all sorts of ways, but not so much as to give you a big head!
I don't know you, but I will pray for you, I know how emotional stress can exhaust you. I dealt with panic attacks for 20 years.
Just keep breathing!
Kind thoughts,
Anita
I'm so glad you are writing again.
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