But one of my biggest problems has been.... Just being a parent. The simple truth is, I am not the mother I wanted to be. I'm not the mother I hoped to be, and I'm not anywhere close to being the mother I ever imagined I'd be.
My kids are fed, clothed, bathed, and kept busy with an endless stream of play dates, park visits, swimming lessons and various social occasions. (Seriously, their social Calender is much more exciting than mine). But I'm failing big time, on so many of the things that I really think are important.
I'm not very disciplined, as a mother. I've always been a bit more spontaneous I guess. I like routine. But the discipline of it is hard. There is nothing like having two small children to nip spontaneity in the bud. But I still need to learn to do the dishes every night, and fold clothes every day, not just when it takes my fancy.
But it goes much deeper than something so simple as housework. I find it hard to give my kids structure at times, cooking nutritious meals (that they will eat) is such a chore. I worry, so much about the damage that I do. I lose my temper far too easily, and there are times when I get so incredibly anxious and I just cannot wait to have both my kids asleep in their beds, so that my body can finally relax.
I want to raise them to become good people. I want to teach them how to be kind, and considerate, and empathetic. I want to give them a thirst for learning, and a zest for life. I want them to be brave, and adventurous, and gentle. I want to show them the value of living with purpose and passion, and discipline. I want to show them how to love God, and live out your faith. But I just don't know how.
Also, It's little things, which are little, but important. Like the fact that my boy does not listen to me, and I can't be bothered to enforce the words I say. I never thought I'd be that parent. It's the whining three year old, that I just want to tune out because I don't know how to deal with her. It's the fact that my children spend far, far too much time watching television like mindless zombies because it's easier.
I am apathetic about parenting. And I hate that. I never thought I would be this mother. But I don't quite know how to change, I am working on it though,
But at any rate, that kind if explains the radio silence.