Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The kind of Mother I am.
Okay. So. It's no secret that I find motherhood much harder than I thought I would. I worry sometimes about the impression I give to the people around me, about what it is like to be a parent. I especially worry that people who witness my messy, tired, stressed, attempts at child-rearing, may choose not to have children based on what they see from me.
Shane and I, we have trouble learning how to be unselfish enough to parent well. It doesn't come easily to us, and every win is hard-fought. There are people who seem to be so much better at it. There are people who actually seem to enjoy parenting and settle into domesticity well, people who don't get cranky at the thought of another dirty nappy or tiny little hands grabbing everything they shouldn't. There are people whose kids sleep well, and people who have much, much more patience than we do.
Sometimes I do wonder if we are finished having children, and I've been asked why I think I want more. I immediately read that as: "You are so crap at parenting, are you sure you should be having more children?" (I freely admit this is my twisted mind and may have no link with reality.)
The truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I will ever be ready for another child. I would like to have another baby, because I want to be able to enjoy it again. But I know that the time is most definitely not now. I do feel like our family is unfinished. But only time will tell. I am struggling with parenting well. I want to be present, I want to be engaged, and I do find it incredibly difficult to do so.
I wish I could wax lyrical about milk spilled on floors, and crumbs all over the floor. I wish I could find the beauty in snot dribbling down tiny faces, or poop smeared on a toilet seat. Occasionally I do. But mostly? That stuff just really pisses me off.
I am not the poster child for beautiful motherhood. I am not that person. But I am the person who loves her kids. With a deep, crazy dear-god-I-wish-I-could-just-eat-you-because-you-are-mine kind of love. I am the Mum wanting to smack my kids for continuing to open and slam a door, while I write a blog post about how much I love them. I am the Mother who is going to dance around in an insane love haze with my children one minute, and then scream at them for fighting with each other all the damn time the next minute. I am always going to try to better and I am going to love them. That's the kind of Mother I am.
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT for the first time in ages!