I read a story today that asked the question, "what are you doing in your life to glorify God?" and really, I don't know. I don't feel like anything I do is worthy of Him. I feel constantly, that I am not enough.
The truth is, I'm struggling again. We've had a few curve-balls that seem to have come our way lately, and our family is... weary. The kids have been very, very out of sorts. Both of them have been extremely clingy. Shane has just put in notice at his work, it was necessary, and hopefully it will be a good thing, but it comes with a whole host of mixed emotions. It doesn't help that he is married to a woman who hates change. He is going to go back and work with his parents for a while, and we will just see where that leads. He has also just had a couple of wisdom teeth out this week, so he is a sad panda right now.
And me? I don't know what I am lately. I am just shuffling along. Putting one foot in front of the other. I have been very, very busy these past few months and I think I may have come to earth with a bit of a bang this week. I just know I want to be better, at everything. I feel inadequate, in all that I do.
I just can't seem to see the good at the moment. I look around my house, and even though I know it's not that bad, all I see are jobs that need doing, things that need organizing, and messes that need cleaning. I wake up, and I am tired. Just so tired. I am tired of feeling so amazingly angry all the time, these white-hot flashes of rage that consume me, where I feel like my head could just explode, over stupid little, oh-so-aggravating things.
I feel like a shitty mother who is disengaged from her children, but the sad truth is that I don't want to be engaged with them. It just feels like it requires too much of me, all the time, this parenting thing. There is just so much to do.There are so many different and important things that I need to get right. Are they eating well? (no) watching too much TV? (yes) behaving well? (no) learning how to be nice? (no) happy? (no). It is just too much. I am failing, all the time I am failing. It's really hard to believe that I am the best person for this job.
I can't seem to shake all my fears and my worries at the moment. I feel guilty that my Mum looks after the kids too much, and I feel like a failure as a wife. I worry about my parents and Shane's parents getting older, I watched my Mother kneeling in the garden the other afternoon, and the way she looked from the back reminded me of my Grandmother and fear gripped my heart. I'm not ready to be without a safety net. The world is a scary, confusing, terrifying place to live at times, and I don't know how to push away all this negativity swirling in my brain. Nothing is certain, but God. I am not in control, and oh, sometimes I just wish I was!
I was at a ladies night at our church this week (which I actually didn't love, to be honest) but I did get one nugget of goodness in it, when we were asked to think of a verse to dwell on, for ourselves, and the one that popped into my head was from John 16:33. (In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world). And I know, I know, I just need to fix my eyes on Jesus. I need to trust and believe that God is in control. But, (like always) it's the practical element of my faith that is the hardest. Knowing I need to trust in Him, and actually trusting Him, are two very different things.
I don't really expect any answers, or positive words, or anything at all really. I know where (or with Whom) my solution lies. And I know that things are really not that bad. Maybe, probably, after a good night's sleep tonight (fingers crossed!) the world will be a brighter place. But it is nice to be able stand where I am right now, and acknowledge the struggle.
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. Psalm 139:8