Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Another sad woman, having a pity-party on the internet

I am always slightly envious of those people who seem to have those really tight friendships that transcend the years. When I was a little girl, I had a best friend, a little. Kind of. But she went away to boarding school in grade 8, and she changed, and I changed, and we both stopped trying. I haven't spoken to her in years. I tried really hard with other girls. I had one friend who I liked, but she was the girl who everyone wanted to be best friends with. I had a group of friends, but never really a proper friend of my own. As I got older, the group seemed to get further away from me (or maybe I got further away from them) either way, I had people to eat lunch with, but I didn't always get their jokes, and I never felt like I fit in properly.

When Shane and I got married and moved away for Uni, making friends was hard. We were an old married couple when everyone else was young and single and fun. We had trouble fitting, and finding our tribe. We moved back home, but no longer really fit back where we once had, and it took an awful long time to make new comfortable grooves. I had friends, but they were more acquaintances than real friends. We were still too young to fit in with the married people but too old to fit in with the single people. It always just didn't seem to work, you know?

When I had kids, I thought I would find my tribe. I was introduced into playgroup, and bible study and all manner of mum related groups and activities. Aha, I thought to myself, now I will fit. And I did fit. But my mum friends are still more like work colleagues than anything else. It took a long time, and I did end up developing a relationship with one close friend, but even that feels a little less important lately. We always seem too busy to actually make our friendship a priority. And somehow, I still feel a little bit like I did in high school. One of the crowd, but only there as a 'should' not a 'want.'

I am blessed, abundantly, richly with my family. With my sisters, and especially with my Mum. I would be lost without my mother. My relationship with her is one of the ones I hold most dear in the world, and I thank God every day for the mother he gave me. I know many girls wish to be able to have the relationship with their mothers like I do with my Mum, that they would love to have a mum as great as mine, and I try never to take it for granted.

But still, it would be really nice to have friends.

I have chased and chased, and been friendly and chatty and nice and welcoming. I have made a real effort. I really want to just have friends. To find my tribe. To have friends that can pop over for a cuppa and stay until dinner. To have a friend who I can call in tears when my jeans don't fit. I tried, and I thought maybe I had it, maybe I was close. Maybe there isn't something wrong with me and I can find people who will actually like me and find a place where I can fit.

So it sucks. It just really sucks when you have that moment, when you realize that you are part of a social circle, part of lots of committees and groups, and you have so many, many people that you are very friendly with. You have people you can have a nice cup of coffee and a chat with. But still, the relationships all have about as much depth as a teaspoon. It sucks when you have that moment of realization, that you are very friendly with people. But actually, you are not their friends.

This isn't really a commentary on other people and what they should or shouldn't do. I'm not trying to place blame or guilt. Maybe, probably, like most things, this is much more about me and my own shortcomings than anyone else. It takes two to build a friendship, I realize that, and obviously I'm doing some things wrong. But right now, I am hurt, I am lonely, and I would still so desperately like to have friends.


  1. nods head. I was so hopeful that when I had Emily, I would also find my tribe. I think I am still looking. I think friendships take a while to evolve, sometimes amongst the chaos of life I think we find it hard to slot it in. I am very thankful for my mum and sister too! x

  2. I have tears in my eyes because finally finally SOMEONE has verbalised how I've been feeling for years and years!!!! I've been so lonely and I'm incredibly blessed because you've put beautifully into words exactly how its been for me! I've really struggled between feeling love for my friends and resentment towards them because I felt like I give nad give and give and chase and chase and it doesn't make an inch of difference. I always felt awkward, and weird, and socially inept, especially in social situations when I dont know anyone. I still have to white knuckle my way through walking into church because I dont know anyone and it terrifies me. I'm pushing my boundaries, but it's so hard, and as I've gotten older I feel like making and keeping good friends has become harder and harder. Like you I got married young, so I didnt really fit anywhere, and then as I got older I didn't know whether to hang with older people or younger people, and not having kids has NOT at all helped...even now my connect group are ALL young mothers...I'm the only person without kids! It really does make you feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole world - thank God someone feels like that too and I'm not alone and I really really mean that! Thank you!!!! Your post was TOTALLY a God thing xoxoxox

  3. I so hear you!!!! I also get jealous of those with sisters so at least you have one up on most of us! :)
    Sometimes it's nicer to have your best friend sleeping next to you though.

  4. Finding and making good, true friends is extremely difficult, I agree. I've got probably one. And my sister. But that's it. Luckily I'm an introvert and love being alone, but I deeply cherish those relationships. That said, I didn't become friends with this girl til my late 20s, and spent many years wondering the same things you are. I'd have workmates and people I really enjoyed spending time with, but no friendship that survived years and serious obstacles. You will find your tribe one day, and it will be wonderful :)

  5. I know Rob, after moving towns and thinking maybe, now maybe I will find people to love me the way I am. Without all the pre-judgement that goes with living in your home town. I probably have one friend like this, who is like a sister to me. And you know what, even we don't "just pop in" or hang out together. I actually think that when you are married the trouble is you need a couple like that, and I think that just lowers the odds even more. It takes a long, long time to develop these friendships and I think they are just few and far between in honesty. I am coming to realise that we all feel the same way and that when the devil whispers these lies in our ears we end up isolating ourselves even more. Don't give up sweetheart, tell him where to go and be your beautiful self. Because you are beautiful and lovable and yours is a friendship worth having. You would probably get a shock if you actually knew how important your friendship is to a lot of people. xx Jenny

  6. Yup, still trying to find my tribe...


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