Saturday, October 17, 2015

Mess in my head

Goodness I am battling so much right now. With lots of things. Don't get me wrong, in many ways I am happy. Life is chugging along well, and some things are great. But I've also been tossing and turning many nights, internally stressing and processing. I don't like church. I don't want to go anymore. I want to want to go. (Oh I want to so badly!) and I still go, but it's pretty much all for my children and out of my love for God, and definitely not because I enjoy it. I'm feeling very weary of it. There's lots of stuff, and I won't go into detail. But my own church doesn't feel like home anymore. And it makes me very sad. Because it's always been my home. 

I'm also really struggling to accept the way we do church, and how it actually relates to God. I feel like the two don't really connect. What is the purpose exactly? You go, and there's so much effort and stress put into the show and the talking, and the food, and the smiles on our faces, and the prayers, the right words, and the pretty clothes, and the misbehaving kids who we are just not coping with, and the singing, and there's just this big gaping emptiness inside that's eroding away like cancer and we are pretending it doesn't exist.

Now don't misunderstand me. I believe some of it is genuine. Some of the kindest, most genuine, generous people I know are in church. But at the same time, it just feels like there is so much effort being poured into things that don't matter, that so much of it is meaningless. Give 'em the old razzle dazzle.

There are people in this world desperate for safety, life, and hope, and none of us ever seem to mention them. Why? There are so many people headed to hell. How does the thought of that not destroy me? And then there are thousands of people internally screaming who are dying slowly on the inside in the western world, in our churches even... and we are missing it. I know I am missing it. I am not trying to place blame here. I really am not. I will put my hand up, guilty too. But I don't want to be. I guess I am searching for authenticity. I am trying to figure out what loving God really looks like. I know there are no perfect churches. Maybe it's more about finding an imperfection you can live with? At the moment for me though, it really does feel like we could do better.

I will freely admit my relationship with God isn't great. I know I could try harder with people. Maybe it is all my fault. It's hard not to feel like it is. But I wish people would try with me too. Maybe it's all in my head? I get really scared that it is all in my head. But I don't think so. I do believe in fellowship. I believe that a church family can actually feel like family. I've seen it before. But now I just feel... Guilty mostly. And sad.

If you asked me to pinpoint the problem, tell you exactly what happened, and when, (as some are so fond of doing) I couldn't tell you. But it just feels like there have been an awful lot of stones, some enormous, some tiny that have created this huge, wall of unhappiness. I know I could scale that wall, climb right over it... And I do, I have been. It's been a constant daily climb. But lately I'm feeling kinda... done. The wall has gotten too high, too big, and I'm just too hurt, too weary, too broken, and  I don't really feel like anyone wants me on the other side anyway. I know I worship the One who looses chains, the breaker of walls. But somehow, every time He seems to get a chance to chip away at it, a few extra rocks get added. It feels like He doesn't think I'm worth it either. I know that's a lie, but why does it feel so true?

I don't really know why I am writing all this here. Mostly I'm just feeling like a giant-attention seeking fool. But... Spiritually, I'm just having a hard time lately, I'm sad, and I'm weary, and I guess what I'm saying is, please pray for me and mine.


  1. I get it Robyn. We felt like that for a while a few years ago, and in the end we moved churches. The transplant was exactly what we needed.
    I guess the key is to work out if your issues are YOUR issues, or maybe God wants you in a different family. Your husband will maybe be a good gauge of that too.
    I'll be praying for you anyway. The ebbs and flows are hard to deal with, but we have all deal with them. Big hugs my friend. xx

  2. Robyn you could be writing about me and my hubster. Our kids are now grown up and don't go to church, and we are kind of wondering why we still do! We have been in the same church 20 odd years now, have tried other churches but nothing fits ... basically we are at the point that if we didn't go to this church (despite all the things we don't like about it which I won't go into here), we wouldn't go anywhere. It feels like we go to church to please man ... not God. I can so relate to this: "I'm also really struggling to accept the way we do church, and how it actually relates to God. I feel like the two don't really connect." Have done the whole full on Christian thing for so long, now we're just worn out. Still believe but questioning a lot. I figure God is big enough to understand and see us through this, even if other Christians don't understand. A psychologist friend (also a Christian) suggested I look into Fowler's "stages of faith" (Google it!). The church is full of people in stages 1 - 3. We feel we are at stage 4. Maybe it is something you too will relate too xxx

  3. Robyn, it is totally not you! This is a totally normal, and probably even a good way to feel! That discontentment with life and church and the "God stuff" is what motivates us to seek God further and what prepares our hearts for the changes God wants to make in us, and show us!

    I totally get that church doesn't seem to relate to God. Totally, totally get this. This is why we personally do Friday night shabbat, and earnestly seek God at this time. There is something so liberating about joining with people all over the world in spirit at the same time, who love God and seek to serve him, but not actually having to meet with any of them physically! We still go to church, but it is in no way our main spiritual input, and now that we have other inputs that's okay. :)

    If you can sense that inauthenticity that comes with church (in my experience, nearly every single church has an element of this), then your children will be able to as well. They probably don't know it, or don't really understand, but church will quickly become a thing they do, and a place they meet their friends, not a place they learn about God. Again, another reason to be really active at home in teaching them about Him, and I am always amazed and humbled by how much they teach me, and how awesome their questions can be! Really gets me thinking, and about 70% of the time I need to go and research the answer for them because I don't know it myself. What a great way to me to learn, and for them!

    Anyway, just wanted to say that I have totally been here, and am really happy to be on a path that just keeps drawing me back to Jesus every day of the week. xo

    Will be praying that God brings total shalom and restoration to your family. Especially to you and hubby as you work through these spiritual difficulties. Remember you are not alone, and this is totally normal (even good!). Seek God and ask Him what he wants you to do next. Read your Bible and really get open minded about it.


Thanks for stopping by, I would so love to hear your thoughts!

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