Goodness I am battling so much right now. With lots of things. Don't get me wrong, in many ways I am happy. Life is chugging along well, and some things are great. But I've also been tossing and turning many nights, internally stressing and processing. I don't like church. I don't want to go anymore. I want to want to go. (Oh I want to so badly!) and I still go, but it's pretty much all for my children and out of my love for God, and definitely not because I enjoy it. I'm feeling very weary of it. There's lots of stuff, and I won't go into detail. But my own church doesn't feel like home anymore. And it makes me very sad. Because it's always been my home.
I'm also really struggling to accept the way we do church, and how it actually relates to God. I feel like the two don't really connect. What is the purpose exactly? You go, and there's so much effort and stress put into the show and the talking, and the food, and the smiles on our faces, and the prayers, the right words, and the pretty clothes, and the misbehaving kids who we are just not coping with, and the singing, and there's just this big gaping emptiness inside that's eroding away like cancer and we are pretending it doesn't exist.
Now don't misunderstand me. I believe some of it is genuine. Some of the kindest, most genuine, generous people I know are in church. But at the same time, it just feels like there is so much effort being poured into things that don't matter, that so much of it is meaningless. Give 'em the old razzle dazzle.
There are people in this world desperate for safety, life, and hope, and none of us ever seem to mention them. Why? There are so many people headed to hell. How does the thought of that not destroy me? And then there are thousands of people internally screaming who are dying slowly on the inside in the western world, in our churches even... and we are missing it. I know I am missing it. I am not trying to place blame here. I really am not. I will put my hand up, guilty too. But I don't want to be. I guess I am searching for authenticity. I am trying to figure out what loving God really looks like. I know there are no perfect churches. Maybe it's more about finding an imperfection you can live with? At the moment for me though, it really does feel like we could do better.
I will freely admit my relationship with God isn't great. I know I could try harder with people. Maybe it is all my fault. It's hard not to feel like it is. But I wish people would try with me too. Maybe it's all in my head? I get really scared that it is all in my head. But I don't think so. I do believe in fellowship. I believe that a church family can actually feel like family. I've seen it before. But now I just feel... Guilty mostly. And sad.
If you asked me to pinpoint the problem, tell you exactly what happened, and when, (as some are so fond of doing) I couldn't tell you. But it just feels like there have been an awful lot of stones, some enormous, some tiny that have created this huge, wall of unhappiness. I know I could scale that wall, climb right over it... And I do, I have been. It's been a constant daily climb. But lately I'm feeling kinda... done. The wall has gotten too high, too big, and I'm just too hurt, too weary, too broken, and I don't really feel like anyone wants me on the other side anyway. I know I worship the One who looses chains, the breaker of walls. But somehow, every time He seems to get a chance to chip away at it, a few extra rocks get added. It feels like He doesn't think I'm worth it either. I know that's a lie, but why does it feel so true?
