It’s just hard

Tonight after dinner we got a call from Shane’s Dad about a predicted meteor that was supposed to be visible at 7:58pm. So we ended up having an impromptu astronomy lesson. (Not really, we just went out and lay on the trampoline and looked at the stars for a while, but it sounds good.) We never did see a meteor, there was some cloud cover that started coming over and we think that must’ve made us miss it. But it was nice.

I am trying so very hard at the moment to see the good in this situation. There are so many beautiful moments in amongst it, and I am so grateful that we are safe, and healthy. But the truth is, I’m still struggling. I know my kids are having a hard time. Georgie is a bit moody and emotional and anxious. She’s sleeping badly, and has been waking up a few times a night since February. I thought at first it was school, but now I think it’s just how she deals with things. Plus I think she’s just gotten in the habit of waking up. I feel for her, and worry about her so much, but mostly I just wish it didn’t happen. It’s very tiring. Charlie is such a social creature, and I know he’s really missing physical time with other little boys. He has been so incredibly cuddly lately, and he’s also finding the motivation to do school work tough. Ted isn’t too bad. But he’s very three, and that is tricky in the midst of all this.

Part of me is so grateful that I can do what I’m doing. My work is suffering, I’m doing what I can, and Shane’s picking up the slack, but we are managing, and an income is still coming in. I know so many don’t have this luxury of being safe at home with their families like this. But part of me is just so jealous of the people whose lives don’t seem to have changed... their kids can still go to school and play with their friends, and they can go to work and talk to grown ups.

I keep feeling like I’m back in time, at home all day every day with two small kids, (except now it’s three!) going slightly twisty because this time I don’t even have the luxury of nap time or early bedtimes or park dates and playgroups with other mums or church. All of which helped keep me together when my kids were small. My big kids are wonderful, but the barrage of questions and requests is relentless and consuming. It’s not their fault. This is hard for them too. They are  navigating school from home which is a big challenge. Lord knows I’m so grateful that they’re as young as they are and I’m not tearing my hair out trying to understand their school work with them. We can do this, and we are. But oh, I remember why I used to stay up so late when they were tiny, just to have a few blessed hours where nobody needed anything from me.

This is temporary I know. I have so much to be grateful for, I know. But still, this is hard. It’s just hard.