Last night I was putting Georgie to bed. I'd been feeling a big gross all day and was wondering if maybe the night would be the one when the baby would decided to arrive? (and no, it totally wasn't) But as I cuddled my little girl and put her to bed, I thought of my Aunty Jenny.
If you haven't already heard the story, my Aunty Jenny died years ago, from a complication in childbirth. When she was having her second baby, some of the amniotic fluid got into her bloodstream. And I just thought, did she do the same thing? Tuck her little girl in to bed with an 'I love you' and then go to hospital never to come home? It's times like this I hate my imagination, because it's all just too real.
And it just hurts.
It's not that I have any horrible premonitions about this baby's birth, I fully expect to have everything go fine. But it just makes me so incredibly sad. The idea of a little girl, the same age as Georgie, to just not have her Mummy anymore. To leave a little baby boy, newly hatched, motherless? A husband, to cope all alone? It's when I dwell on things like this that I don't understand God very well. And I don't like him. I understand why my Grandma had so much trouble dealing with it. Because it's just not right.
I don't have any answers. I know that God is holy and righteous. I just have to trust, and believe that some things are beyond our comprehension. And I know that God weeps for us just as much as we do.
Today I'm trying to take the time to make the most of my wonderful family.
Showing posts with label The Why. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Why. Show all posts
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The Why
I just thought I'd share the reason behind this blog.
When I was about 10 or 11. My Auntie died.
Auntie Jenny was my Mum's only sister. She had a beautiful two year old daughter and was pregnant with a son. She and her husband lived over the other side of the country in Perth.
When she was delivering her son, something terrible happened and the baby's amniotic fluid got into her bloodstream. She went into a coma and died a few days later. It was horrible. Her son survived and her husband raised the children by himself over in Perth.
He did the best he could. But those children didn't have a mother. They don't really know their mother. They don't know how much she wanted them, loved them, and prayed over them. They know that she loved them.... but they don't know her. I don't know if they can comprehend the depth of her love. Her daughter does not know how much her mother enjoyed spending two years of her life with her. They just don't know. They don't even know her family very well since they live there and the rest of us live here (which is perfectly understandable- my Uncle stayed with his family). But, those children grew up without a mother, and, they also grew up without very much knowledge of their mother.
That frightens the life out of me.
I know that I can't protect my children against everything- that's impossible. But it scares me that they could grow up without me. What scares me even more than that is that they would grow up without knowing just how much I wanted them, and loved them and prayed for them.
Auntie Jenny loved Jesus, and I have no doubts that she belongs to God now.
But I don't know really know if her children do.
That scares me more than anything.
I want to let my children know- to help make them understand just how important their choices are. I want to be able to see them in heaven. That is the most important thing.
So this is why I write, not only because I have a horrible memory, and not really because I think I'm going to die young- but still..... what if?
This is a 'just in case'. I don't think anything could replace the loss of a mother. But if it was me, I'd sure appreciate this. So I write this blog. Not just for entertainment, or for something to do. But so that my children will have little pieces of their childhood, little pieces of their mother. And a big reminder that they should know where they are heading, and who they belong to.
I know it's painful to hear this constant cry, and I probably sound dramatic and over-the-top....but kids, you've got to love Jesus. Without him, there is nothing. His sacrifice is the one thing that can bridge the gap between you and God, and there is no life without God, no reason or rhyme to life. You must follow him.
I am not the best Christian in the world by any means, I do not pray, read my bible, or love nearly enough. I do not do everything I should, or think everything I should- and if you do get to know me well, you will soon see that! But of one thing I am certain. I am saved, not by my works, but by my faith in God and his Son who died on the cross. I belong to God and am secure in his grace.
Now, I don't know why God took Auntie Jenny away from her children. But I believe, that his ways are good. I know that he loves us, more than we could possibly understand, and that no matter what happens, everything he does- is out of his great love for us.
When I was about 10 or 11. My Auntie died.
Auntie Jenny was my Mum's only sister. She had a beautiful two year old daughter and was pregnant with a son. She and her husband lived over the other side of the country in Perth.
When she was delivering her son, something terrible happened and the baby's amniotic fluid got into her bloodstream. She went into a coma and died a few days later. It was horrible. Her son survived and her husband raised the children by himself over in Perth.
He did the best he could. But those children didn't have a mother. They don't really know their mother. They don't know how much she wanted them, loved them, and prayed over them. They know that she loved them.... but they don't know her. I don't know if they can comprehend the depth of her love. Her daughter does not know how much her mother enjoyed spending two years of her life with her. They just don't know. They don't even know her family very well since they live there and the rest of us live here (which is perfectly understandable- my Uncle stayed with his family). But, those children grew up without a mother, and, they also grew up without very much knowledge of their mother.
That frightens the life out of me.
I know that I can't protect my children against everything- that's impossible. But it scares me that they could grow up without me. What scares me even more than that is that they would grow up without knowing just how much I wanted them, and loved them and prayed for them.
Auntie Jenny loved Jesus, and I have no doubts that she belongs to God now.
But I don't know really know if her children do.
That scares me more than anything.
I want to let my children know- to help make them understand just how important their choices are. I want to be able to see them in heaven. That is the most important thing.
So this is why I write, not only because I have a horrible memory, and not really because I think I'm going to die young- but still..... what if?
This is a 'just in case'. I don't think anything could replace the loss of a mother. But if it was me, I'd sure appreciate this. So I write this blog. Not just for entertainment, or for something to do. But so that my children will have little pieces of their childhood, little pieces of their mother. And a big reminder that they should know where they are heading, and who they belong to.
I know it's painful to hear this constant cry, and I probably sound dramatic and over-the-top....but kids, you've got to love Jesus. Without him, there is nothing. His sacrifice is the one thing that can bridge the gap between you and God, and there is no life without God, no reason or rhyme to life. You must follow him.
I am not the best Christian in the world by any means, I do not pray, read my bible, or love nearly enough. I do not do everything I should, or think everything I should- and if you do get to know me well, you will soon see that! But of one thing I am certain. I am saved, not by my works, but by my faith in God and his Son who died on the cross. I belong to God and am secure in his grace.
Now, I don't know why God took Auntie Jenny away from her children. But I believe, that his ways are good. I know that he loves us, more than we could possibly understand, and that no matter what happens, everything he does- is out of his great love for us.
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