What is the point of you?

A couple of months ago, we were at my Mum's house with family, and Georgie was playing with her cousin Hamish, who is four years old. Or, to put it more correctly, Georgie was following Hamish around, getting into his things and just generally annoying him as only a toddler can. Hamish eventually got so frustrated with her that he exclaimed "Georgie, what's the point of you!?" It was quite funny, and we all laughed. But lately I feel like that question is just hanging over me.

"What is the point of you?'

At times I feel like I am a less valuable member of society because I am 'just' a Mum, and I don't work. I feel like I don't contribute, don't really add anything to the world. Instead I feel that to the rest of the world, we stay at home mums are the toddlers of society. Not good for much, except for whining and complaining and getting in the way, and they have no idea how much they are looked after or how good their lives are. I don't know how much of it comes from the image of the 'stay at home mum' that is perpetuated by the media, and how much of it comes from my own feelings, but... it gets to me.

When you think about it really, what is the problem with Mothers? I must admit that at times I read blogs where women who are Mums speak about their struggles with depression, with motherhood, and you almost get a little desensitized to it, you know? I understand why people poke fun at Mummy bloggers. I know before I had kids I used to hear so much about how hard it is to be a mother.... and though I'd never admit it, in the back my mind I was a little like 'Really?' It's a bit of 'Oh your poor rich woman with too much food so you worry about being fat, with your beautiful home and healthy children.... it must be so hard for you to live.' (insert sarcastic tone here)

But here's the thing. It is hard. At times being a stay at home Mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's not like I have the stress of being in charge of a huge multi-national corporation, and sometimes I do get to hang out with my friends and drink coffee. But at the same time, often it is so incredibly mind-numbingly dull.
 
I love my children, so much it hurts sometimes. But I don't love the mess they make. I don't love washing the same dishes, cleaning the same toilet, washing and folding the same clothes, mopping the same floor, making the same beds, feeding, changing nappies, fighting the same fights.... every damn day.

And it's not necessarily the everyday tasks in themselves that get to you. After all, cleaning is a part of life. But it's the fact that it feels like the sum of those tasks, is are all you are worth. The feeling that you're not good for anything else. Plus, having children really messes with your mind. The constant worry, the responsibility, the pressure. It never stops.

Why does he throw tantrums? Is she too attached? Will this house ever be clean? Sleep (oh sleep!) Are they growing enough, eating enough, eating too much? Is she talking? Will she ever stop talking? Do my kids watch too much TV? Are we playing enough? Reading enough? Will they be ready for school?  Will they make friends? What if they don't make good friends? What if they do drugs?  Dear God, what if I don’t get my kid into a good enough school and my child ends up being a creepy forty year old man who still lives with his mother? 

I want my life to mean more. Be more. I don't want the fact that I got all my folding done, or enjoyed a really great cup of coffee to be the highlight of my day. But, this is a season. I will not always be the Mother of small children. This particular hard will not always be my hard.

So it's true. Mothers do complain and moan and go on and on about the difficulty of Motherhood. We probably do act like toddlers at times. And yes, it gets a bit much.... our constant outpouring of thoughts and feelings that all say the same thing. I get that. But, we don't do it forever. And in the meantime, we are still important members of society. Even though we live in a world that constantly devalues children and the raising of them, this, raising tiny people, is valuable. And if blogging and talking and writing and communicating about it all, helps get Mums through the day, then it matters.

Just walk...

When the day has been long, and the walls get too close,

When the house is untidy, and the bin is full,

When the husband is away, and the baby is screaming,

When the toddler is moving at lightening speed,

When the washing is still hanging up on the line,

When you've just bathed the dog and found she has fleas,

When the Wiggles aren't even working anymore,

When the dishes are piling up in the sink,

When the bed is unmade and you can't see the floor,

When you'd kill for some chocolate, or maybe some wine,

When you just want to cry, or run away from it all,

Just get out the pram, strap them in... and walk.

Just walk.

Yesterday, it helped.

Linking up with Diary of A SAHM for I Blog on Tuesdays....

Power in worship

For the past week Charlie has slept through every single night. It has been great. Unfortunately, Georgie has not. She has been suffering from a viral bug, and last night she was up often. It takes a good hour to settle her once she is awake, as she gets quite upset. So this morning I was feeling a bit crap.

The crapness continued after I had gotten up for the fourth time with Georgie at 5am, to go back to bed at 6am, after saying goodbye to Shane, who went to work early, for a tiny bit more sleep before Charlie woke up. I had just gotten back to sleep only to wake up to the sound of a dog vomiting. It seemed that Chloe had snuck into our room at some point in the night to sleep on our bed. She's not allowed to, but occasionally she does it, and this morning she did it, and then vomited all over my quilt.

I was not amused, and took her outside. I cleaned up the bed and soaked the quilt (surprisingly both kids slept through it all) and then when I let her back in, she immediately jumped on the couch, and vomited again. I thought (and said) all manner of bad words, and took the couch cover out to soak too and then locked Chloe on the tiled floor.

The day didn't get much better. The kids woke up, and the whole morning was just hard. Charlie was a bit unhappy and had a pain in his belly, and Georgie was sick and didn't know what she wanted, but it was whatever she didn't have. The Wiggles helped us through. I had a solid parenting moment when I was bathing Charlie, and Georgie came up next to me to watch with half a weet-bix in her mouth. I wasn't thrilled, but thought, 'Oh well she must have just gotten into the pantry.' However, when we finished bathing Charlie and I went out into the kitchen, I saw that the pantry door was shut and the childproof hook was locked, which begged the question... where did she get that weet-bix from? Parenting at it's finest, I know.

By lunchtime we were all tired and sick of each other and my temper was fraying badly. I was in shouty mode and it was not good. I put Georgie in her chair with some lunch, then sat down next to her to feed Charlie and promptly burst into tears. I got angry at God and was asking him why things had to be so hard. After a good cry I settled and then I started singing. I just sang regular praise and worship songs that we sing in church. And it helped.

I was just reminded of how much power there is in praise. How powerful it is when we bring a praise offering to Him, especially when we don't feel like it. It's easy to sing praises when things are good and when you feel like it, it's much harder when you don't feel like it. But I think there is so much power in honoring God when it doesn't come easily.

And I think it is so important too, to remember to honour God, not for anything he has done, or is going to do... but for who he is. I think we Christians sometime have a habit of talking about how great God is because he did this, or he has done that. But we need to remember to talk about how good God is simply because he is God, and he is holy and righteous and perfect. We need to honour him, for being him.

I'd like to say that the day was wonderful after that. But it wasn't. It was still hard work. Georgie was still sick, and life was still life. But it was easier. I was easier. It made a difference. There is great power in worship.

*This post was originally started on  Friday, but has taken me a few days to finish.

Linking up with Jess for IBOT.

Why bloggers are kind of like icerbergs...

The thing about blogging, is that generally, you only see about 10% of the blogger. Bloggers are kind of like icebergs. We write what we want to write, we tell people the things we want them to know. But there is often so much more going on beneath the surface.

There are many things, that, generally I don't tend to write about. I don't write about it when I am quietly simmering in anger at my husband, or when I totally lose my temper with my toddler. I don't write about the way I feel about my fat arms, and I certainly don't write on the days when it takes me two hours to get dressed because I hate the way I look in my clothes. I don't write about my dirty ceilings which are currently driving me insane, or those days when having two children under two drives me crazy. I don't write about the desperate tears in the shower, or how I am scared that eventually when she really starts talking my daughter is going to drop an f-bomb in some totally inappropriate place, because she heard it from me.

I also don't write about the amazing time I had while worshiping God the other night, I don't blog about the hilarious thing that my husband said that had us rolling around in laughter. I don't write about how I cleaned the toilet today and I don't blog about sex. I don't write about my last trip to the Doctor's, or our recent dilemma over circumcision. I don't blog about all the time that I waste on the computer at times, and I don't blog about the last conversation I had with my sister.

It's a question many bloggers seem to struggle with, where do you draw the line between authenticity, and airing out your dirty laundry?

I don't really plan on changing the way I write. But I just wanted to get this out there, because I know many of my posts lately have been about the good things that I am grateful for. And I am grateful. I've been thinking on the good things a lot lately. But for every positive post that is written, there is a negative one that is not. That is the way I choose to write. I choose to dwell on the good most of the time and try to forget the bad. That's how I try to live life most of the time. I think there's a lot of bad that nobody needs to see. I also choose to write mostly about the good stuff because I know my audience, and many of the people who read this are people who know me in real life, and I don't want a random acquaintance to know all the dirty details about my life. Sure I share some things, but I am careful. I'm sure if I wrote anonymously, I would be much more open, and candid, but I'd probably be much more negative and nasty at times too.

But I just wanted to remind you, I'm not perfect. I am so very, very human. I am doing my best to be better, but I am still me. I may sound positive and pleasant, but I still fight with my husband, lose my temper with my kids, and struggle with keeping my head in order just like the best of them.

There is always a lot going on underneath the surface.

I'm linking this post up with Glowless for Flog Yo Blog Friday.

Grinch

Normally I'm a huge fan of Christmas. I love it and get right into the whole thing. I love decorating our house for Christmas and it's a struggle to wait for December. I love helping to plan the menu, and getting together with my family. I adore the day. I love buying presents for people- it's just so much fun! I love so much about Christmas.

But this year, I'm just not feeling it.

I'm trying to. But at the moment I'm not feeling much of anything. I'm in a bit of a funk. I don't think I could pinpoint exactly what's wrong, and if you asked me I couldn't tell you how to fix it. I don't want to change anything. But everything just feels like such an effort at the moment.

I think it's a combination of so many things. The heat, the fact that I feel 18 months pregnant, the fact that Georgie is so full of energy that looking after her feels like the clean up after a tornado. It's also a bit hard with Shane's new job, it's kind of all-consuming for him at the moment. And I get that, I really do, he's stressed and doing the best he can. Plus, it looks like he has to go away for a week for training stuff (although thankfully, not to Canada!). And I think it's all getting a bit much right now. I'm just feeling a bit out of everything, and having a good old pity-party.

So Christmas is just the last thing I want to think about. It doesn't help either that we're trying to be super frugal at the moment, just until we get back on our feet a little after the holiday and job change. I could be awesome at buying Christmas presents if money was no object! But unfortunately it totally is. Normally by this time of the year I would have at least half my Christmas shopping done. This year I have 20 presents to buy (big family) and have only got a couple of little things for Georgie that I bought earlier this year. And honestly I just don't care. It feels too hard.

I'm also so sick of stressing over presents. Most of the time the gift-giving is just really fun, but I find a couple of people on our list particularly hard to shop for, and (of course) they're the people who really do 'judge' the kind of presents they receive. It just feels like a bit much right now, and I don't see any way out of this hole, except for slowly crawling out, one painful step at a time. Or else maybe I can just cancel Christmas? Tell people we're just not doing it this year, that we'll be busy having a baby instead?

I know that's not really an option. I would be so disappointed in myself if  I didn't make the effort. For Georgie, for us, we need to have Christmas. I think I just need to go watch a whole heap of Christmas movies to help get myself into the spirit. Play some Christmas Carols, and maybe look up some Christmas-themes on pinterest.

I'll get there, eventually. I just have to get my grinch out.


*I wrote this post this morning and am since feeling slightly better. I went downtown this morning and managed to find three Christmas presents! Only seventeen left to go.... but at least it's a start. How many presents do you have to buy this year?

That just basically sums up my day....

Image

Lonely

Most of the time, my life is good. And I know it. I appreciate the fact that I am better off than about 90% of the world's population.

But on days like today, all I know is I'm lonely.

I hate having my husband away.

I feel so useless staying at home.

I know that being a Mum is a very important job. But at the same time, is it all I am? Because at times I feel.... unfulfilled. I feel horrible for saying that. But there it is.

Maybe it's because I only have one child. Maybe with more children the feeling will go away and I'll feel like I'm achieving more.

I really do think that this, this being a stay-at-home-mum, is of value. I believe that I am doing something, giving my child something that is so worthwhile.

But at times, like now, I don't feel it.

I've mentioned it before, how I didn't think earning money defined me. And I don't. But when me staying at home means my husband works so hard, it just doesn't sit well. Sometimes, he is away for weeks on end, with only weekends at home in between. We could change. We could downsize. Live on less. But really if I'm honest, the problem also comes from the fact that Shane's work isn't just about money. He also works for his family's business. So it's much more complicated than a regular job.

His parents have helped us out an awful lot over the years. And Shane does value the fact that he has gotten to know his Father so well. He has spent a lot of time with his Dad. They have gotten to know each other, and respect one another as men. There are so many men who would give anything for more time with their Dad, and Shane knows that. But at the same time, there is also a lot of baggage that is involved when you work with family. There is a very high cost. And some days it's all just too hard.

Shane often says, if he dies tomorrow he would be so disappointed. He wouldn't have spent as much time with us as he could have. And that hurts. We are only looking at this, his current work situation, as being a very short-term thing, in terms of how long you have to live. But at the same time, we don't know the number of our days. And we want to spend as many of them as we can together as family.

I am so incredibly grateful for Georgina. She is so much sunshine in my life. Loving her, looking after he, makes me smile constantly and I'm so glad for that.

But it too, comes with a cost. It means that I have a lot of space. Sometimes too much. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes she can drive me practically insane. But, many of the things I do as a Mum right now, they don't necessarily require much, intellectually, of me. So at times, I have a lot of time to think. To over-think.

I wish I could do something more that challenged me a little you know? I don't want to be crazy-busy and not be able to stop and smell the roses, but at the same time, you can only smell so many roses.

I want to get my mind busier.

I don't know how yet, and I don't know that now is the right time to do anything. But I wish I did. And I wish I knew how to be okay with being alone every night. With waking up alone every morning. It's not really a gap that other people can fill either. I am glad to live near family and have friends. But they can only help so much. And at the end of the day other people go back to their own houses and families.

I hate the late afternoons. When the clock hits about 5:30pm or so, Georgie needs to be home, having dinner, going to bed. Most afternoons find me at Mum's. And oh, how I dread going home. Some days it is too hard, going back to a cold empty house. Having to be busy, busy getting Georgie ready for bed. I can't wait to put her to bed at night, to have space, but at the same time I hate it, because I miss her company.

Maybe that's why I've run with blogging so much. It's a chance, an opportunity, to get words out. To feel like I am still part of the world and not completely disconnected. To communicate and feel like I actually have something of value to offer. At least I can talk to Shane on the phone often. At least I have family. Sometimes the space is nice, I can have a bath and read at night. But sometimes it's too quiet. I know people who are desperate for what I've got. But knowing you have what others crave doesn't make what you have any easier.

Sometimes it's just not enough.

I am still lonely.

What have you been up to lately?

If there's one question I hate, that's it.

I hate it when you run into an old friend or acquaintance from pre-baby days, and you do the whole "Haven't seen you in ages, How are you going, Isn't she cute?..... What have you been up to lately?" routine.

Hate it.

Because I can't exactly put my finger on why, but I always feel kind of... unworthy, for want of a better term.

I just feel so... negative, when I get the dreaded question, and reply "Oh, I'm staying at home with Georgie at the moment, and she's keeping me pretty busy!" I just feel like I watch people's interest plummet. And I feel like they are thinking, 'Is that all?"

I don't know if it comes from them or me. I honestly don't think that I think that there is anything wrong with staying at home with my children- I am so glad that I can do it! But at the same time, something about it just feels like it is a lesser choice in the eyes of the world, you know?

Before I had Georgie, when I got the question and I told people about my job, they would ask more questions, I would elaborate.... and yet it was still about kids! I worked in childcare, so I was still doing very similar tasks to the ones I am doing now, but for some reason it didn't seem to isolate me the way being a stay at home Mummy does.

Maybe it does come from me, but at the same time you hardly want to go into details about the endless cleaning, cooking, playing, bathing, sleeping cycle, do you?  But the fact is, at the moment, that is an awful lot of my life. I have a baby, I'm growing another one. It's what I am at the moment.

But why does it feel so much less than if somebody just talks about their job?

Maybe I am just being overly-sensitive, maybe this stems from my feelings of inadequacy as a Mother. It does rankle a little sometimes that I am not earning anything. I wonder what is it about earning money that validated me? Or maybe it just comes from the fact that when I was working, I wasn't just working. I went to the gym, I was involved in local performing arts productions occasionally- my life was so much fuller (and yet, so, so much more empty).

Maybe these feeling will go away in time. But it's been a year of being a Mummy, and so far the feelings are still there. So, questions. If you are a stay at home Mum, do you feel this way too? Will these feelings ever go away or do they linger like a bad smell? And, do you think that this comes from society, and it's perception of stay at home Motherhood, or us?

“Danger, Will Robinson!”

In the next couple of weeks I will be operating without a safety net. Shane is working away and Mum and Dad have gone away for (a very much needed) holiday. But I am very scared. I know many people deal with husbands away much more than I do, and they do it without a close family network too! But I am just very used to being able to collapse in a heap with my Mummy when I need to when Shane's not around. So I am really not looking forward to this.

I don't want my blog to be a place of negativity and woe. But, it is where I get my words out, and at the moment, they are weary.

I am trying hard to see the good, to stop myself from getting too down, from catching myself before I fall. But it is hard. And I am just so, so tired. All I want is to sleep for a hundred years. (I am so jealous of that princess right now).

I've just had one of the hardest weeks with Georgie ever. She has had a viral bug that has given her temperatures, an upset tummy and a heck of a lot of grumpiness. But I think we are just about out the other side now. It's been especially rough because Shane has just been away for a couple of weeks, he had one weekend off and we didn't really get to enjoy it because Georgie was sick and miserable, and he was sick too. And now he is back at work for goodness know how long.

But, I am going to get through this. Even if it's just one second, one minute, one hour, one day, at a time.

We love each other. Life is really not that bad and things will not always be this way.

And at the moment I think this is my mantra.


There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:  a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

I just have to remember that this is just a time.

When your husband works away....

I am very fortunate. In the choice of partners I did very well. And I never notice it more than when he has to go away.

Right now Shane is working away for at least a week. Now, compared to most families who deal with working in the oil and gas industry, we are lucky. Shane does not work on a very strict roster, he does not have to camp away too much. He always tries to get home every night when he can. His parents are pretty good to us and always try to keep Shane around our area when they can. But right now all of the work is away- so for the next little while, he will be away. And it is hard.

I got spoiled you see. Much of the work he has been doing has been around our town. We have also had a lot of rain. So consequently, Shane has been around a great deal. Pretty much ever since Georgie was born, in fact. So now I am getting used to being alone again. But it is harder still with a baby. Every day I am used to waiting for the night. Waiting for another adult to come home to talk to and share the load with. (And he does share the load well) Now it's just me.

I get angry sometimes, at people with ordinary jobs. At women who complain and moan about their husbands always working, when they get to see them on the weekends and every night. I want a weekend dammit! But I know I need to be reminded that we all have our personal crosses to bear.

I never appreciate him more than when he goes away. Now I have to start the fire at night. I have to wait until Georgie goes to bed before I have my dinner because otherwise it is just too difficult. When Shane is home he will generally help out with bathing Georgie or feeding her or putting her to bed. He might get dinner started or cooked if I need him to. And it's even more than that. It's that person to smile at and talk to when there's something funny or interesting on television. It's that warm body to snuggle up to in bed, after I've had to get up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. It's someone to sigh to, when she won't go to sleep easily or when she wakes up when she should be asleep. It's someone to say "I'll go this time" occasionally. It's waking up to a warm house because he's started the fire when he wakes up early. It's just Shane.

He's mine, you know? He's the rest of me. I just miss him. And life just feels a little wrong when he's not around.

It's not that bad really. I need to make sure I don't let myself get too down. But it's also the fear. Just that tiny niggling fear, that people die. Some husbands don't come back from work occasionally. Especially in the transport industry. And who's to say that it won't be my husband one of these days?

So tomorrow I'll be okay. And even now it's really not that bad. At least I can call him and talk to him most of the time. He's not even that far away. And, most importantly, he doesn't want to be away. I know that whenever he has a choice, he always chooses us. He loves his family. I really did win with him. Don't get me wrong, he's no saint. Some days he drives me so crazy I could just hit him, (and do- ha! spoon) But he is pretty good. Besides, it's not even for that long. Hopefully (that's another post- the disorganisation and uncertainty that is the oil and gas industry) he will be home by next weekend.

But right now I just really miss my husband.

Validation

Today things are really hard. You know what I'm finding awfully difficult at the moment? A lack of.... validation. I feel like so much of what I do is so- nothing.

I always thought that being a Mother was such an important job, and I still do think that. But it's amazing how much better the simple fact that I was being paid made me feel. It validated me. It's funny, because I always used to say that working in childcare wasn't about the money (because we were paid peanuts). And I honestly didn't think it was. But there's still something about going to work every day, talking to people about what you are doing, having people tell you what a good job you are doing, and seeing what a good job you are doing. Now, I just feel so insignificant and ineffectual. One more grain of sand on an endless beach.

Also, I was good at working in Childcare. I was good at dealing with sixteen children a day, and I really enjoyed it. I knew exactly what to do, we had a solid routine, I was in control, in charge, I took great care of those children, I could deal with problems and- I was really good at what I did. Now, I feel like I'm just doing the best I can, surviving. I just want to be good at something.

I knew, going into Motherhood, that this was not going to be easy. I thought I'd be okay because I knew better than most how hard it was going to be. It wasn't like I was unprepared. I had a sister who had 4 children, I had worked with babies, toddlers, preschoolers. I knew about kids. I knew about the sleepless nights, I knew about the difficulty of washing and cleaning and cooking. I knew that being a Mummy is a difficult, thankless task. But I didn't really know until I did it, you know?

I guess I thought I'd have more answers. Maybe I thought there was something magic about motherhood, as you gave birth all this wisdom would just magically appear... and suddenly I would be one of those hallowed fountains of knowledge 'A Mummy'. And I'd know about sick children and eating and breastfeeding and how warm should a baby be in bed..... but I didn't. In fact the further I go along in this the less I think I know.

I hate that I feel like I'm just stumbling my way along in this. I try to act like I know what I'm doing so no-one will see the cracks. But I just keep falling apart. Little, stupid things, make me feel so overwhelmed. I'm just so tired of everything and I long for a change. I'm really tired, but I can't sleep at night. It's stupid, I'll be exhausted all day, and then as night comes, I seem to get more and more alert. And so by 9pm, I'm buzzing. I generally can't sleep until at least 11pm. And I have a baby who sleeps. She sleeps really well by most standards. She's asleep right now- and I should be too. But I can't. I have to let my mind get this out.

I really don't want to admit it, but I've got this horrible fear in the back of my mind that I'm dealing with Post-Natal-Depression. And I'm just so scared of that. I don't want to go to a Doctor and be medicated.  I was so sure that I'd be okay. And I don't want to depressed. And sometimes I don't think I am. I'm not sad all the time, sometimes I can still be happy and be fine. I don't want to hurt Georgie... or myself. I love her too much to do that to her, but I just feel like crap that I'm not a better Mum to her.

I've got all these great people around me that I know I could turn to- and I do... to some degree. Shane is doing the absolute best he can, and I know that. He is doing really well as a husband and a Father. But he's not the problem. I am. And I don't want people to fix this for me, or take this burden away. I want to be able to be okay with this.... But mostly I just want to sleep. Or run away. I feel like I've lost me.

It just never, ever, stops, you know? I miss having set hours, having routine, being able to stop because I've done enough. Lately I just feel like it's never enough. I'm never enough. I know I need things to get better. I want to be happier. I want to be more disciplined and more on track and in control. But the mountain just feels too big to climb at the moment. So someone, please, just tell me that things will get better. Could you please tell me that this too shall pass? Show me the light at the end of the tunnel.

Insert witty post tittle here

Georgie has been sick over the weekend. We've had a horrible couple of nights and I've been getting pretty stressed. Today when Shane got home he told me to go have half and hour, so I put a leash on Chloe and we went for a walk.

As I was walking I went past my old work and I started thinking about life before Georgie. I used to be incredibly busy, days were very full. I would wake at around 6:30am and go for a walk, then start work at 8:30am, and finish at 6pm with an hour for lunch. My work was pretty energetic, as I was the Group Leader in the pre-kindy room and was in charge of 16 children. I would generally go to the gym at 6pm, and do an exercise class of some description and not be home until 7:30pm or so, when I'd cook a very easy dinner, watch television for a while and then go to bed. Most days I would also ride my bike to work and then to the gym.  Shane started work at 5am and didn't get home until about 7pm. Life was pretty busy.

Now, Shane still leaves for work at around 5am. He normally gets Georgie up and brings her into bed with me, where I feed her and then she and I go back to bed until we wake, generally at around 8am. Then my days are filled with cleaning, Playgroup on Tuesdays, cleaning, coffee with friends, cleaning, groceries, cleaning.... and that's about it. I try to walk when I can, but I just seem to find it very difficult.

I don't want my old life back. I love Georgie to bits, and Shane and I see a lot more of each other and are much closer than we've ever been. But I still miss how full my days were. I long to be busy, busy, busy- constantly on the go and moving and doing. Life is much... slower, now. I don't want it to be this slow. I don't want to be as busy as I was before, but I wish I had a better balance than I do now, you know?

I can't sleep. But I'm always so tired. I just have so much trouble switching off. Many nights I can't sleep until at least midnight. I think some of that is because Georgie and I have been sleeping in lately, (partly due to the fact that we've been up in the night a lot recently due to teething and her being sick, and honestly, if you had a child who would sleep in wouldn't you?), and I know some of it is because I just enjoy the solitude of the night, when everyone's asleep and I can be alone without someone requiring something of me, but I also think some of it is because I'm just desperate to do.

I know that the busyness will come with more children. But I need to be more disciplined now. It was just so much easier when work did it for me.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to make myself wake up at 6:30am, regardless of what kind of night's sleep I had. I'm going to try to finish my Diploma in Children's services this year, and I'm going to make myself walk every day. I'm going to try. I just wish things weren't so hard.

An icky-feeling, grumpy post (feel free to skip this one!)

These past couple of days have been all kinds of terrible... tomorrow is Georgie's dedication and Shane's family may be in church plus Shane is doing Communion, and yesterday I shared a very Christian blog post on facebook- do you see the connection there?

Georgie's teeth have been giving us MAJOR grief, she is 8 months old on Tuesday and yet to have single tooth. Yesterday there was one just under the gum, it was so hard and swollen and I thought 'Oh well, at least there's an end in sight." Today it has moved back down.

Also- note to future Robyn- never ever try to dye your hair yourself when you're already not in a good place! I had a go at streaking my hair today with Mum, Cathy and Lizzie's help- and while it didn't turn out too badly, it just didn't go so great. Plus we ran out of dye- apparently I have too much hair for one box now. So yeah... next time I think I'm just going to try to wait until I can save up to go to the hairdressers! I normally do get it done by a hairdresser, but at up to 150 bucks a pop- it's just one of those things that is definitely no longer a necessity (darn it!).

Shane and I have been super stressed, and taking it out on each other. He's tired because he's worked far too many days in a row lately, and I'm tired because Georgie's not herself.... I'm telling you, it's just been bad all round!

Aaaannnddd that's about it. I just wish Satan wasn't so good at kicking you when you're down,you know?

On the plus side, today would have been a WHOLE lot worse without Mum and my sisters. Especially Mum. I really can't be grateful enough for her. How is it that she can always tell the difference between a daughter who is about to collapse in a big heap and really really needs her dishes done, and a daughter who needs to be told to do them herself? Hope I learn that one one day!

Riding with Grandpa

The other day Shane's Dad took Georgie on the four-wheeler. He was so proud of himself! He was very careful, but it is not an experience I will care to repeat! The whole time I was thinking "That's my baby!" Poppy is already trying to teach her "Bike! Bike!" I'm not sure how I'll deal with it when she is bigger and does want to go for a ride. They are just not very safe.... but I'll just deal with that when it happens.

This one I love! She was on for a couple of minutes and then decided she wanted off, Now! ( I'm hoping that continues)

In other news. I am very flat lately. Shane has been working too much and we are a bit lonely. Georgie is sitting up all the time now and she hardly ever falls over now! She is also so close to crawling. It's so cute! At the moment, she's doing  little caterpillar belly flops, she gets up on all fours and then flops herself forward to get where she wants to go. We are also swimming an awful lot because it's so darn hot here!  I will have to put some new pictures up sometime soon of how big she's getting and what we're up to- but that will happen eventually.

It's hard.... and the story of Us

I've been extremely flat lately. Georgie, you had your 4 month needles yesterday and have been a bit grumpy. Plus I think I've been coming down to earth from all the stress of everyone being sick. And great grandma still isn't doing too well.

I think it's just very difficult making the switch from being a full time worker to a full time mummy. I worked in childcare before you were born and I loved it. I loved the busyness and the children- and part of me would love to go back.... but the other stronger part never ever would, because I couldn't stand the thought of working with other children while somebody else had you. Plus, I know that nobody could ever care about you as much or as well as I could. And I know that even on days when I don't like you, and you cry and make me want to run away. I still love you. And somebody who is paid to care for you doesn't... and that makes the world of difference. Plus I know that you are growing, and eventually we will play together, and hopefully one day you will have brothers or sisters, and then I will be so busy I won't know what to do!

But right now, it's still hard.

I went to playgroup today and you know what? I think having a baby has made me stupider... I have forgotten how to talk to people! I almost feel like the world has left me behind. I just feel so removed from my life. I feel like a completely different person and I'm still trying to figure out who that person is. Plus it doesn't help that the pregnancy weight is not coming off very easily (or at all) and all I want to do is go for a swim or go to the gym and do an exercise class- but that's just not possible. Shane has been too busy at work to let me go out, and I don't really want to be continuously bothering Grandma or your aunties- it's just tough.

Now Georgie, this isn't about you- I would not give you up for anything, and I love you and enjoy you so much! But being a mum can be very difficult, you'll probably feel exactly the same one day.

So anyway, I thought instead of continuing to feel ordinary and icky. I might try something to help pick things up a bit. So, I'm going to tell you the story of how your Dad and I first met.

We went to the same school and he was in the grade above mine. I can honestly say I never even knew who Shane was before our friendship groups started hanging out. Your Dad kept under the radar a fair bit during middle school. But then, when I was in Grade 11, and he was in Grade 12, our groups started hanging out. And my best friend started going out with one of his friends. So we were all together during lunch breaks, and then we began inviting each other to parties. I started noticing Shane, and he started noticing me, and eventually we spent a fair bit of time together.

I remember it was one of my friends parties, and we were both out on the deck in some hammocks, and Shane told me "I think I'm in love with you." And he cried! He used to be very sweet and sensitive, and even though he's changed a lot and toughened up and seems different now- he's still like that underneath. You know what's terrible? I don't even remember what I said back to him that night! But anyway, we started dating, and got a bit too close- but fortunately God had his hand on both of us and He reached Shane and so he became a Christian and he started coming to church with me.

We continued dating when Shane went away to Uni, decided not to go, came back, I did Grade 12, Shane studied IT and then we moved away. Then we got engaged even though I was only 17 and your Dad was only 18. Then I lived on-campus at University and studied teaching, and your Dad went to Bible College. That summer, we came back home and got married. I was 18 and Shane was 19 by then.

Georgie, I would not have chosen to get married at 18. Sometimes I think it it would have been nice to have been single for a while and maybe traveled- just done things differently. But you don't pick the timing when you meet the person you love. And I think that maybe it was God's protection over us. Getting married young was hard, but it was also wonderful. Your Dad is the only man I have ever kissed, slept with, or loved.

Anyway, since then, we have lived away for a year, I decided that I didn't want to teach and started working in childcare instead. We moved back home to family, Shane started working for his parents driving trucks, we bought a house, got a dog, traveled, and then, four years after we got married, you were born!

Georgie, I do not regret any of it. Things have been difficult at times, but they have also been wonderful. And right now, my life may not be that exciting or glamorous... but it is a good life.

Dear Georgie,

Lately things have been a bit hard. Daddy had a bone marrow biopsy because he's had a few funny things going on so we are waiting on the results for that. And it makes me a bit frightened.

Great Grandma Shirley (who we named you after) has been very sick for a while with Cancer she has been getting worse and Grandma has been living with her for a while. Pretty much since you were born. And now poor Grandma is getting too worn out looking after her, so Grandma and Poppy went on a holiday to have a break. While they were on holiday Poppy started getting breathless so he decided to go to the hospital and now he is in hospital tonight because they don't think his heart is too good. And poor old Grandma is all alone away- it's just so difficult!

But you, oh sweetheart, you are just like a rainbow that God put in our lives. You make everything so much better when you smile. You are such a cuddly little thing and you really do help. So Thank you Georgina. You don't know it, but you are really helping me and Dad. You're helping us to love each other and appreciate life and see the good, instead of just getting stressed and anxious.

Today you are 14 weeks old, and you are lovely. I love you so much.

Love Mummy

P.S- Georgie, no matter what happens with Daddy, or Poppy or Great Grandma. You should know that we still love God, and you should too. No matter what happens in life, he is God. It's that simple. He doesn't make the bad things happen to hurt us, but he has to allow the bad things to happen because he can't protect us from everything, otherwise we wouldn't really be living. And I promise you, you can see Daddy, Poppy and Great Grandma in heaven. :)