Solo parenting is kicking my butt

I love my little girl, but to describe her as a handful is an understatement.... she's more like an armful! Maybe two arms full, even. I know that everyone says it about their toddlers. But she is seriously one of the busiest little people ever! I have been comparing her to my friends kids, and other kids I have cared for, (and not to be all poor-me) but she really is full-on! She's not bad, but she's just so incredibly busy.

Our house is as toddler proof as possible. But there is only so much you can do. This morning alone, while we had breakfast, did a quick tidy, showered, dressed and left the house, she managed to cause all kinds of trouble. She dumped the bin over and put the rubbish all over the kitchen floor and I'm hoping to God that she didn't eat anything in it, she put her towel in the (full) bath, along with her shoes, because I forgot to drain it. And she managed to pull out all of the nappy wipes. Not to mention all the other assorted mischief.

I've always been a fan of free-range parenting, but with Georgie it's a little bit like an extreme sport. I love her so very much, but at the same time, what I wouldn't give for a pause button!! She really is the most adorable little monkey, and I loves her to bits, but my goodness, that girl!

Night time is really hard, because she's gotten into the habit of wanting lots of cuddles before bed. Which is understandable, she needs some one-on-one time, but it's so hard to give it to her when I have a screaming baby as well. I always seem to be rushing around like a madwoman between crying children at night and some nights it's all just too much.

Fortunately Charlie is such a good natured little guy. He is really one of the happiest babies. He can be jumped on and attacked by his sister and he hardly even bats an eyelid! He does have his unhappy times at night when his reflux flares up, but even that's not too bad. Mylanta and cuddles fixes it pretty well. He is also a champion sleeper. He sleeps most nights from around ten or eleven pm until seven or eight in the morning, so I really can't complain! A good night's sleep makes a huge difference to how well I cope during the day.

I have also been exercising much more and that is helping. I try to walk with the kids every day. And some days I have been able to take a break while Mum looks after the kids and I get to go for a bike ride or a swim instead. I have managed to do some form of exercise every day that Shane's been away, and it's great! It's a habit I plan on continuing when he gets home too!

The hardest part is probably just the fact that we all miss Shane. Georgie is constantly saying 'Daddee Daddee?' and looks for him often. But it is not for long and she loves to see him on the computer through skype. And I really just miss my person, you know? I miss the person who I talk to about everything, and the person I snuggle up to at night. I miss my friend. But the people around me have been so wonderful. My family has been helping a lot, especially my Mum, plus I have some good friends. One of my friends in particular is so great. She has children who are almost the exact same age as my two, and so she 'gets' this completely. She has been so amazingly helpful, I have seen her often and she is constantly doing little things that help lift me up.

It is hard work, but we're coping. We're getting close to the halfway mark now. I really do take my hat off to the parents who do it alone all the time, it is so much hard work! I am tired, and busy, but still doing okay. My husband is coming home, soon. And if nothing else, this time has helped me appreciate him even more!

and so it begins....

Today Shane is going away for a whole month to Canada. It is going to be really tough. He has been away before, but never for so long, and he has never been so far away before.

I know Georgie is going to miss her Daddy a lot. She is very much a Daddy's girl. I'm going to struggle with solo parenting, especially in the early evenings when we do the dinner/bath/bed routine. The distance is also going to be really hard. Shane has been away before, so I tend to cope reasonably well, especially because my family is so great. But the fact that he is going to so very far away is going to be difficult.

The time difference is also going to be a problem. Normally when Shane is away, we tend to talk on the phone often. But it won't be that easy this month. However before he left, Shane did set up Skype, so we will be able to communicate a bit.

It's also going to be really hard for Shane to be so far away from the kids for so long. Charlie is going to be 3 months old by the time he gets back! Plus, he is going to be away for most of Easter, which is something I'm quite unhappy about. But it's not his fault. He did ask that he could be home by Easter, and his boss who organised the itinerary for his trip, has him leaving Canada on the Thursday before Good Friday, but didn't think about the time difference. So he won't be back in Australia until Easter Saturday, and then he has to wait for a plane to come back to our town on Sunday. So he won't be back until Easter Sunday afternoon. That's a bit hard.

I'm really excited for him, as this is such a great opportunity, but I must admit I am a little jealous. I've only ever been to New Zealand before, and would LOVE to go to Canada. He is flying into Vancouver, but will be doing a bit of traveling, and he is going to Calgary, Banff and Red Deer. I would love to see Banff especially, and would love to go skiing there. But we have decided that one day when the kids are older we will try to take a family holiday there.

It is tough. But at the same time, I know that Shane doesn't want to be away from us. Whenever he has the choice, he always chooses to be with his family. And that makes a huge difference. While he's away I have a few projects around the house that I'd like to tackle. Hopefully I can keep myself busy.  A month really isn't that long. We will just do out best, and hopefully this time will pass quickly.

Linking this post with the lady Glow today :)

A post of little importance about the good stuff

This weekend has been full. Georgie and I went to city with my Mum and Dad. Mostly just because we could. Shane is away doing courses and having work Christmas parties. I was lonely, Mum wanted a haircut, Dad wanted to visit a friend, and we all could have used the opportunity to get out of town and do some Christmas shopping. So we went.

It was a crazy hectic jumble of activity. Some hard bits, but mostly good. I am so glad for my parents. Don't get me wrong, there were times when I wanted to tell Dad off for the way he drives my car, and the more time I spend with him the more I am convinced that I married my father (in a non-creepy way). It is just really noticeable that Shane and Dad share some traits that drive me crazy. But mostly, my parents are awesome. And it was really nice to be taken care of a little, you know? I see a lot of my family because we all live in the same town, but there is something that is so nice about staying with family when you've got kids. It's like your parental responsibilities are lifted a bit and you revert back to being your childhood self. I needed that.

Spending time with my Mum and Dad like that made me realise how good my parents have been to me. It also made me realise how good God has been to me. I think one of the best blessings any child can have is to have parents who love God. I know no parent is perfect, and people make mistakes (Mum and Dad made heaps of them!) but the most important thing they never stopped doing was love God. Throughout all of my life, I have always known that. They stuffed up lots. But I think God can do an awful lot of fixing when he is offered a family's heart. I know I'm going to do damage as a Mummy. It's inevitable. But I hope I never stop holding onto God with one hand and my children with the other.

Georgie was all kinds of good while we were away. Granted she did get grumpy at times, (after all she's a kid), and it wasn't great when she got a nappy rash from teething- it hurt her so much poor button! But she was fantastic in the car, and I think she really enjoyed that time with her Grandma and Poppy. Plus, she has a new word she is using a fair bit. "Yish!" (yes). It is so cute when she says it, and it's funny that she has said yes before no. Fingers crossed she's setting a pattern for the future. But I doubt it, she's a willful little thing. However, she is super lovely at the moment.

I'm kind of sad, but happy at the same time. Because I am enjoying, (relishing, savouring!) this time with her. She is so absolutely delightful. But it is almost bittersweet. I am trying to squeeze everything good I can out of this time because I know it will never be just Georgie and me again. I'm happy because I do want this baby, and am getting quite excited at the idea of another little squishy newborn, but I get very sad at the same time for what we will miss and how hard it is going to be on my little girl.

But for now. It is nice to be home. I am missing Shane, so much. I feel a little disconnected from him. Telephone is just not the same. I really want to just be together again. But, mostly it is good to be back. The little girl went to bed tonight with nary a peep, and I like my space.

It was a pretty good weekend.

Oh, and please, please go vote for me (if you don't mind?) I would so love to feel a bit special!

Grateful for my parents

It's funny that I've decided to write a Grateful post and link up with Maxabella for her Grateful Saturday's post. Because this week life has thrown me a few curve balls.

Georgie has a cold, and I won't go into a lot of details, but suffice to say Shane's family is undergoing a lot of upheaval, and I am missing him terribly- he has worked and been away for 30 of the last 34 days (so believe that when I talk about my husband working away a lot and how hard it is I am not exaggerating!).

However, it seems like there is always something to help lift your spirits when things are tough.

So this week I am really grateful for my parents.

Image taken from here

I know that however hard things are, they would be so much harder without my parents. My Mum is... just brilliant. I really can't adequately describe how good my Mum is. It's funny, but I am only now realising how good our relationship is. Not everyone gets along as well with their Mother as I do. And so I am just so grateful for our relationship and all that she has done (and continues to do) for me.

I am also really grateful for my Dad. Growing up, Dad kind of kept well away. It's not like he was absent, but I think he struggled a little with raising and relating to four daughters. He was also very much part of the generation where a man's job was to provide food on the table. So in a way, he kind of left much of the parenting up to Mum. But now, Dad has just... changed an awful lot. He still tends to hand the phone over to Mum when I call, but we definitely have a much closer relationship. He absolutely adores Georgie, and he's just much more thoughtful and much softer than he's ever been.

Last night Dad actually babysat Georgie for me while Mum and my sisters and I went out to our local performing arts production on Grease. It wasn't a huge deal as I already had her in bed when he arrived and she slept the whole time. But still it was just so nice to get out for the night. It was a good night and I'm really glad that I got to go. I don't think I ever would have imagined my Dad babysitting my children for me when I was younger.

So right now I'm just so grateful for my parents. I'm glad that they are close and I'm grateful not just for all that they do, but for the fact that I have such a good relationship with them.

Lonely

Most of the time, my life is good. And I know it. I appreciate the fact that I am better off than about 90% of the world's population.

But on days like today, all I know is I'm lonely.

I hate having my husband away.

I feel so useless staying at home.

I know that being a Mum is a very important job. But at the same time, is it all I am? Because at times I feel.... unfulfilled. I feel horrible for saying that. But there it is.

Maybe it's because I only have one child. Maybe with more children the feeling will go away and I'll feel like I'm achieving more.

I really do think that this, this being a stay-at-home-mum, is of value. I believe that I am doing something, giving my child something that is so worthwhile.

But at times, like now, I don't feel it.

I've mentioned it before, how I didn't think earning money defined me. And I don't. But when me staying at home means my husband works so hard, it just doesn't sit well. Sometimes, he is away for weeks on end, with only weekends at home in between. We could change. We could downsize. Live on less. But really if I'm honest, the problem also comes from the fact that Shane's work isn't just about money. He also works for his family's business. So it's much more complicated than a regular job.

His parents have helped us out an awful lot over the years. And Shane does value the fact that he has gotten to know his Father so well. He has spent a lot of time with his Dad. They have gotten to know each other, and respect one another as men. There are so many men who would give anything for more time with their Dad, and Shane knows that. But at the same time, there is also a lot of baggage that is involved when you work with family. There is a very high cost. And some days it's all just too hard.

Shane often says, if he dies tomorrow he would be so disappointed. He wouldn't have spent as much time with us as he could have. And that hurts. We are only looking at this, his current work situation, as being a very short-term thing, in terms of how long you have to live. But at the same time, we don't know the number of our days. And we want to spend as many of them as we can together as family.

I am so incredibly grateful for Georgina. She is so much sunshine in my life. Loving her, looking after he, makes me smile constantly and I'm so glad for that.

But it too, comes with a cost. It means that I have a lot of space. Sometimes too much. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes she can drive me practically insane. But, many of the things I do as a Mum right now, they don't necessarily require much, intellectually, of me. So at times, I have a lot of time to think. To over-think.

I wish I could do something more that challenged me a little you know? I don't want to be crazy-busy and not be able to stop and smell the roses, but at the same time, you can only smell so many roses.

I want to get my mind busier.

I don't know how yet, and I don't know that now is the right time to do anything. But I wish I did. And I wish I knew how to be okay with being alone every night. With waking up alone every morning. It's not really a gap that other people can fill either. I am glad to live near family and have friends. But they can only help so much. And at the end of the day other people go back to their own houses and families.

I hate the late afternoons. When the clock hits about 5:30pm or so, Georgie needs to be home, having dinner, going to bed. Most afternoons find me at Mum's. And oh, how I dread going home. Some days it is too hard, going back to a cold empty house. Having to be busy, busy getting Georgie ready for bed. I can't wait to put her to bed at night, to have space, but at the same time I hate it, because I miss her company.

Maybe that's why I've run with blogging so much. It's a chance, an opportunity, to get words out. To feel like I am still part of the world and not completely disconnected. To communicate and feel like I actually have something of value to offer. At least I can talk to Shane on the phone often. At least I have family. Sometimes the space is nice, I can have a bath and read at night. But sometimes it's too quiet. I know people who are desperate for what I've got. But knowing you have what others crave doesn't make what you have any easier.

Sometimes it's just not enough.

I am still lonely.