Thinking just makes my head all hurty

I have a confession.

I sometimes really struggle with the fact that I never finished University.

I went to Uni straight after school to complete my Bachelor of Education. I lasted a year and a half. I don't really know why it is such an issue for me sometimes. Because I honestly do not want to be a teacher. I think about it from time to time, and the answer's always no, I don't want to teach.

Yet it still sits badly.

I quit Uni for a few reasons. Shane and I had just gotten married and it would have been really handy for me to be earning some decent money, I was tired of study. I didn't feel like I fitted in at all at Uni, because I was young, but married, and just didn't really find my tribe. But I know none of that would have mattered if I'd really wanted to teach. But I didn't. Not enough anyway.

I love children. But I was studying a degree that would have enabled me to teach children from grades 1-10. And when on prac I realised that I really don't like older children. It's not like I hate them or anything, but once kids hit about grade 4 or so, I just find them so much harder work. (Plus, you know, you have to know stuff to teach them)

So I ended up getting a job in childcare and found that I loved it. I ended up in a babies room, and it was great. I discovered that I really enjoy the early childhood years. Yes, they are hard in some respects. But in others they are so easy.

Nonetheless. I still feel a little less... worthy, or something because I didn't get that piece of paper.

I don't really understand it. I don't think any less of people who haven't gone to University. And I know plenty of people who have a University degree and they have done nothing with it. I know there are lots of people who have studied and studied for years, but they still haven't lived.  I know that a degree doesn't mean a person has wisdom or common sense. Some of the best people I know don't have a bunch of letters behind their name.

But still.

I've considered going back to Uni. But why? To study what? I don't just want to study for the sake of a degree. I don't see the point in studying something unless you want to, unless there is an end goal in sight. I still don't want to teach. I don't really want to go back to childcare either. It was great, but it was also a very demanding job, physically and emotionally.... for not much reward. Motherhood beats it by a mile. Maybe that will change when my own children grow up, but I don't know. And as much as I love the idea of being a high-powered career woman. I don't really want that life either. I think I'd be quite happy to stay at home with my kids for as long as I'm able, and then when the time comes go work in a job in retail, or in an office that doesn't demand too much of me, so I can still make my family my top priority.

I don't see anything wrong with that. Really I don't.

But at the same time I do. I can't put my finger in it. I never would have imagined being here now when I was at school. I wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, but I did okay. I won some awards, I used my brain. This isn't what I envisioned my life to be like. Married at 18? Having children young? I guess I thought, like most people that all that kind of thing would just happen after I'd lived a bit first. I never imagined that the first boy I dated would be the one I would marry. But I am so glad it was. I wouldn't want to change my life even if I could. I am really happy the way it it is. Sometimes it's more work than I thought possible. But it's so right, you know?

I wish I understood how you can feel so many different conflicting things at once. I wish there was more of a road-map to life. I wish being a grown-up was as easy as I thought it was when I was a kid. Part of me feels a little cheated because I'm only 23 and I feel like I'm 30. I feel like I am living like my Mum and Dad already. I want to be young and beautiful. I want to stay out late and party and dress up. I'm scared of turning into an old lady before I've been young.

But at the same time. I wouldn't change this. I love my life. My family. They make everything worth it. I just wish I wasn't plagued with doubt all the time about the choices I've made.

I just shouldn't get all introspective. It makes my head hurt. Just live one day at a time Robyn!

Do you get what I'm trying to say here? Do you feel the same way? Or are you one of the clever people who did everything perfectly? (Do those people even exist???)


Linking up with Jess at Diary of a SAHM for IBOT :)