Baby, baby, baby....

Hello! Long time no blog. :) Someone very dear to me is having their first baby. I am completely over the moon for her, and enjoying it in only the way somebody who is past the first-baby stage can. I was surprised to be honest, by how happy I did feel for her. And I was equal parts conflicted, because while  part of me was thinking 'I wish it was me!' another, much bigger part of me was most definitely dancing around celebrating the fact that it wasn't.

It's no secret that we want a third child in our family one day. But we are both having trouble figuring out how to take the leap and make it happen. I do, really do, want another baby. My children are desperate for a sibling, and I know our family needs another person. I want my children, and my family to have that wonderful support and backup that comes with family, with their own people, and we know two is not 'done' for us.

But when I actually think about stopping taking that little pill every night, I get a bit stressed. I know what is down that road. And I'm scared. Charlie (as amazing as he is, and as grateful as I am for him) changed me. He was delightful, he is one of the nicest things in my life. But after he was born I lost a lot of my spark, and zest and joy. His birth was possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life, and I had to claw my way out of that experience.

After having him I discovered a version of myself who I don't like very much. That Robyn, she is a part of me now, and she still comes to do battle at times. I am scared that if I have another baby, that she will come back more and more, maybe even permanently. It took so much strength and effort to fight that big fight with her, and I don't want to lose myself again.

In many ways, I am also scared about what a third child could do to our family, and our balance. We are by no means perfect, but we trot along okay (most of the time) as we are. What if we don't, as a family of five? I know that a third child would bring this family great joy. But I am still scared.

And I am scared for that child. I feel like I have already done enough damage to two... Why on earth do I think I should have another person to screw up? Also, we have been blessed twice with healthy children, it seems greedy and dangerous to ask for another. What if something goes wrong? I am scared for that child's future, and honestly (and selfishly) I am scared for my own. But I know even healthy people do not remain so.

I don't know what will happen. I hope we can conquer our fears and add to the joy and the crazy. But I am scared. And I'm glad I can say that somewhere. I just pray our fear doesn't stand in the way of what is best.