Okay. So. It's no secret that I find motherhood much harder than I thought I would. I worry sometimes about the impression I give to the people around me, about what it is like to be a parent. I especially worry that people who witness my messy, tired, stressed, attempts at child-rearing, may choose not to have children based on what they see from me.
Shane and I, we have trouble learning how to be unselfish enough to parent well. It doesn't come easily to us, and every win is hard-fought. There are people who seem to be so much better at it. There are people who actually seem to enjoy parenting and settle into domesticity well, people who don't get cranky at the thought of another dirty nappy or tiny little hands grabbing everything they shouldn't. There are people whose kids sleep well, and people who have much, much more patience than we do.
Sometimes I do wonder if we are finished having children, and I've been asked why I think I want more. I immediately read that as: "You are so crap at parenting, are you sure you should be having more children?" (I freely admit this is my twisted mind and may have no link with reality.)
The truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I will ever be ready for another child. I would like to have another baby, because I want to be able to enjoy it again. But I know that the time is most definitely not now. I do feel like our family is unfinished. But only time will tell. I am struggling with parenting well. I want to be present, I want to be engaged, and I do find it incredibly difficult to do so.
I wish I could wax lyrical about milk spilled on floors, and crumbs all over the floor. I wish I could find the beauty in snot dribbling down tiny faces, or poop smeared on a toilet seat. Occasionally I do. But mostly? That stuff just really pisses me off.
I am not the poster child for beautiful motherhood. I am not that person. But I am the person who loves her kids. With a deep, crazy dear-god-I-wish-I-could-just-eat-you-because-you-are-mine kind of love. I am the Mum wanting to smack my kids for continuing to open and slam a door, while I write a blog post about how much I love them. I am the Mother who is going to dance around in an insane love haze with my children one minute, and then scream at them for fighting with each other all the damn time the next minute. I am always going to try to better and I am going to love them. That's the kind of Mother I am.
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT for the first time in ages!
The fact that you recognise where you could be stronger as a parent is a great step. It gets easier as they get a little older and not so needy. And then you get some of that 'me' time your probably craving.
ReplyDeleteI think you are are rather awesome kind of mother. Any mother who is consciously thinking of how she mothers must be. Just remember, this too shall pass. I read a post today about how this woman's life was not picture perfect, despite how it might appear to others. While yes she had a great business and life now, she faced terrible heartbreak before it. xx
ReplyDeleteSending some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses your way.
"I am the Mother who is going to dance around in an insane love haze with my children one minute, and then scream at them for fighting with each other all the damn time the next minute." This is so me, you capture it beautifully. I wasn't born to be a mama either I don't think, I'm impatient and cranky and I suck at sleep deprivation, but it becomes less foreign with time :)
ReplyDelete#teamIBOT
If a child knows that their mother will do anything for them, provides them a safe and secure home filled with love, they are going to be pretty ok. No parent is perfect - no matter what Pinterest tries to tell you.
ReplyDeleteI HATE cleaning up after breakfast - really, how hard is it not to spill your food on the floor EVERY MEAL!
It is so hard being a good parent and so easy to be a bad parent. So many mums will be able to relate to your post. I did. I can't stand mess either and in relation to the second child, just see what happens. I'm loving doing it all the second time round with my 6 month old.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like me quite often - there's nothing like the red rage haze that comes over me when my kid throws food on the floor. But it also sounds like you are in tune with how you feel and you let your kids see it - the good and the bad. I think this is a good thing and will teach your kids the importance of showing how you feel and being honest. Keep it up, you're the mum you were meant to be :)
ReplyDeleteOh Robyn, we have all been there, and anyone who says they haven't is lying. The other day I just about went mad with children doing what they weren't supposed to, and even reading this, I have got so angry that all the kids are interrupting me for nothing.
ReplyDeleteNone of us are perfect, but we are all trying. That's all we can do xx