This is going to be brutally honest post. But I'm hoping it needs to be read because I sure need to write it.
People rarely admit that they have a favourite child. But they do. I know I do anyway. Fortunately the favour seems to swap and change. A few weeks ago, Georgie was hard work, and Charlie was such a delightful little snugglepot.
But this week? Oh, this week. I don't like Charlie. I just don't want to be around him, plain and simple.
I'm not sure whether maybe he's teething, or there is a nasty germ lurking somewhere that is making him feel bad. But I have a sneaking suspicion that he is just 18 months old. And he is finding life very frustrating right now. But, goodness me is he ever frustrating to deal with!
This morning, he woke up, and he smiled for two seconds, and then he whinged. He whinged because he fell over, he whinged because he couldn't get the door open, he cried when his sister reached something he couldn't, and then he roared when he got put in time out because he hit her out of sheer frustration. He whinged in time out, and then he whinged just because, before noticing I was making breakfast. Then he whinged and whinged and whinged at me, because obviously if he lets me know just how badly he wants breakfast, it will come faster. All before 8am.
I am so, so, weary of him right now.
I love him, so much. I do. I would run into a burning building to save him, I would take a bullet for him, I would develop super human strength and pull a car off him. I would. But living with him, dealing with him, being kind to him.... without losing my will to live? That requires a whole new level of love. One that I just don't always have the capacity for.
Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday saw me wailing uncontrollably on the floor, after I lost my temper badly and shouted and raved and ranted, before unceremoniously dumping him in his cot so I didn't hurt him.
The problem is, this has been building for a while. He has been, for whatever reason, just difficult for a few weeks now. When he behaves this way, he needs extra love and extra kindness. People who are the most unlovable generally seem to need the most love. But after a prolonged period of unlovable-ness. I'm all tapped out. And then, I end up getting super-sensitive to his yucky behaviour, and I jump on him, for things that really shouldn't bother me. So I get more and more stressed and tired of him, and he senses it and needs me even more.... because he just wants to be loved! It's a vicious cycle that can be really hard to get out of.
I just don't have any cope left.
I need to draw on the strength of the One who is much, much kinder than me.
I will get through today, one tantrum, one wail at a time. When I want to scream and shout and cry and just run away..... I am going to pray, and pray, and pray. I am going to sing, and worship, and cry out to the only One who can grant me enough patience, and peace and love. I am going to do my best to love Charlie, as He loves me. And when my love is not enough, I trust He will make up the difference.
I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need Thee
I need thee, I need thee, I need Thee every hour
Thinking of you Robyn. Some days can be just so hard. If anything, being a mum has brought me closer to God because I know I certainly can't do it in my own strength. xx
ReplyDeleteThings can get hard,but acknowledging it is the most important part. Look after yourself, recharge your batteries and know that tomorrow is another day :)
ReplyDeleteHello from #teamIBOT
Thinking of you - sometimes we all just feel blah - the trouble is when you are little it's hard to tell anyone exactly what the problem is. To be honest, I am closer to 50 than 40 and sometimes I have no idea why I am feeling a little off !!!
ReplyDeleteSending heaps of love, hugs and positive energy your way !
Me
Most of us have been where you are. Don't forget to also take some time off from mum duties, if that's an option. Sometimes a few hours away is the best thing to recharge the love and patience.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough being parents to young children - somedays they just seem to push all the "right" buttons. It's great to be able to draw strength from God. Hoping today was a better day! x
ReplyDeleteOh I hear you!!! My youngest was (and still can be) exactly like this. I did not cope at all during those tough first couple of years with him, such a different baby from his brother. But now they have switched roles, my eldest is going through a "stage" and the attitude is unbearable. Parenting requires us to draw on wells of patience we never new existed and sometimes those wells run dry. Hang in there and know that you are not alone xx
ReplyDeleteNo way - Charlie CAN'T be 18 months already! I remember when he was born (back when I was blogging at Footprints Australia)! Where does time go ...
ReplyDeleteI have names "in my head" for my kids. One is the "child of my heart". The other is the "child of my delight". Different because they are different. But both so loved, even at 19 & 16. And yes, usually there is one driving me to distraction while the other behaves and then it's like an agreement they have, to swap roles. AAAggghhh!
I know how you feel. Last week I rang my husband in tears, "I can't do this anymore!!" I am trying to swap the swearing under my breath with a prayer to God for help. Some days are just so hard it's like torture. Thank goodness God is full of patience and love for us mums!
ReplyDeleteI think we all have favourites, whether it's each day, week or hour! They have a way of pushing our buttons. Right now No.3 is my favourite but if you had asked me a week ago I would have said No.2! Great post :)
ReplyDeleteOh Robyn, we have all been there. I remember once just completely losing it at one of the kids, and almost wanting to hurt them. I had to get up and walk away. It was the end of a week that had gone on and on and I just couldn't do it anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt does get better, and thank God we have HIm. What on earth would we do with out Him?
I can really relate to this! I've been a bit short on the cope front recently too. But thank God for peace and strength beyond our own abilities.
ReplyDelete