These times, they be changing

If you're one of the lovely people who've been with me from the beginning, you might have noticed how the landscape around here has... shifted a little. I guess things were never going to stay the same. I started this blog as a new Mama with a 6 week old, and my husband was a truck driver. Since then, we've had another baby, we've all grown up, we've battled some demons, had a job change which has resulted in a lot of good things, but it's also required many sacrifices. The biggest change round these parts though, is probably my faith. Seems I can barely write a post now without mentioning it.

I never really intended to be that kind of person. I thought they were okay, don't get me wrong... but not like me. They took things to the extremes. I preferred to be a bit more moderate (more normal).

It was easier when I worked. Life was nice and compartmentalized. Now however, I need to rely on God daily, and He has permeated into nearly every aspect of my life. Things have all grown together, intertwined and bled into this wonderful, glorious, hang-on-by-your-fingernails, mess.

I like the mess. I like the change. I understand that passion now. It doesn't necessarily come from a place of superiority, or righteousness. Sometimes it comes from Need. Desire. Desperation.

But I'm not perfect. Oh no. Not even anywhere near it.

I often berate myself in my head in social situations. I have no flipping idea how to talk to people. Not a clue. I am never comfortable. I either retreat to a place of quiet and safety, or else talk far too much... either way I feel like I never appear the way I want.

I prefer to write. It is nice to have time. Time to stop and think before the words come out. To change them so that you can make them say things in a better way, make them say better things. I even prefer standing on stage at church. Most of the time, when I'm there, I don't really have to say much anyway. I just have to sing, and worship, that comes easy.

But put me into a conversation with people? Torture. I think I could count the number of people I am actually comfortable enough to speak with, without carefully measuring each word that comes out of my mouth, on one hand. There is still a lot of work to be done.

I must admit, sometimes I worry a lot about preaching here. I don't feel qualified to give anyone a sermon. And I know that a lot of the time, sermonizing doesn't do any good. But these are just the words that seem to have to be said. Mostly, I feel okay with the way things are, though. I understand that I am not catering to the same audience I once was. I'm not exactly sure what audience I am catering to. But these words, they are good to say.

I'm not really sure which direction this little blog is headed. But it sure is interesting to read what comes out. I've nearly reached 50,000 page-views, which I must admit kinda thrills me a little. It may not sound like much to some, and I'm sure a good portion of them are spam, but still, the fact that 50, 000 times, somebody has bothered to even peek at what is going on over here, is just nice.

So Thank You for reading. I'm sorry if it's not always what you expect, or like. But I like it here. And the changing hasn't stopped yet.