I love him so.

I could share and tell so much about Christmas, and our beach holiday.... but for now, can we please discuss something terribly important?

In a very few days, my baby boy will be one, and I am devastated! I don't even know how this is possible. This year has been one of the longest of my life. But my time with Charlie has gone by so fast. I adore that boy with every fibre of my being. I am fiercely passionate and protective of my son in a way I never imagined possible. I think it's been a bit unexpected because I wasn't too sure about having a boy child. But I am in love with him and I never imagined it would be like this.

I cling to him, in a way I never did with Georgie. Partly I think, because with Georgie I didn't realise just how quickly it would go. But I look at my amazing, capable, independent, two and a half year old... and she grew so darn fast. I think I was probably a bit preoccupied with pregnancy when Georgie was this age as well.

Also, if I am being completely honest here. I think for me, there is a knowledge that my boy will not be mine for very long. All too soon, he is going to be chasing his Daddy around, and then after that it will be girls, until eventually one day it will be one girl, and then he won't be mine anymore. I want it to happen. I know it must, and I would hate it if it didn't. But I understand that our relationship will change, and he will never need me as much he does right now. (This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I am contemplating weaning him right now too!)

With Georgie, it is different. I think a girl's relationship with her mother is a bit more unchanging, and constant. I feel like Georgie will always be mine, she will always need her mama. But with Charlie I get a bit scared that I will become obsolete. I am friends with my mother and am confident of being friends with my daughter. I am much less confident with Charlie. I guess I have seen and experienced really great examples of girls being friends with their mums. It is much less common to see a man having a good relationship with his Mother.... but I am going to work so hard to try and be Charlie's friend. For always.

He, more than anyone else, has kept me going this year. He has been the easiest baby. He is the baby mothers pray that they will have. I have been able to enjoy him in a way I never managed to enjoy Georgie. (No new-parent terror.) I cannot stop adoring him. This is also my absolute favorite age. From 9 months to about 14 months, I think children are amazingly fun. It was my favorite age group at work.

His gurgling chuckle. The way he crawls when he has something in both hands, or the way he crawls, stiff-legged, when he is naked on the grass. His beautiful pout. The way he sucks his thumb. The way he stands up, and claps for himself. The way he could walk if he wanted to, but chooses not to, because he is cautious. His cheeky grabbing hands.The way he and his sister play. The way he absolutely idolizes his Daddy. He is open and affectionate and everything he should be.

It is amazing and wonderful and terrifying and heart-wrenching and heart-warming and intense and awe-inspring and gratifying and exhausting and beautiful and complete, being this boy's mother.

I love him so.

Happy birthday my Charlie bug.

Love, Mama.