Limbo

I am so tired of waiting. I feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern. Just waiting for the next part of my life to start. I know that having another baby is going to make things so much more difficult and complicated. I know I am going to be so incredibly tired.

But I will not be pregnant.

I'm tired of feeling so heavy. I'm tired of aching, of being so large and cumbersome. I am sick of being a subject of commentary for every single person I see. I don't blame people, but at the same time I am so sick of saying 'Yep. Still pregnant.'

I have another appointment on Tuesday, and they will do a stretch and sweep (ick) if the baby still hasn't arrived. But I really don't want to be induced. Georgie was induced and I don't want to do that again. I know it will be much better for all of us if I can just sit this out and wait for the baby to come in it's own time. I don't want to be induced unless there is a valid medical reason for it. But Oh! I am so ready for this baby to come. I just need to patient a little while longer.

I want to meet this new little person. To find out if it is a girl or a boy. To see who this is. I want the labour over and done with so I can stop fretting about things going badly. There are so many questions I have, that can only be answered after this baby arrives.

I know that I just need to cope. Get on with this. In the grand scheme of things it is nothing. There are so many people facing so many terrible and horrific things and here I am whining about being pregnant (seriously?). This baby will come in it's own perfect time.

But I am more than ready to get out of this limbo. I am ready for the next chapter.

Linking up with Kellie at The Good, the Bad & The Unnecessary who is the new host of Things I know.

Waiting....

I just thought I'd write a little post to say I'm still here, still in one piece, and still waiting for this little one to make it's appearance. I so want to find out who this is.... and am well and truly tired of being pregnant. But in the meantime here are a couple of photos of what was a pretty great Christmas.

Too many presents. This photo really doesn't do justice to how many presents there were.

Georgie loved her new tent.

This is actually a really small number of people by my family's standards...

Epically awesome food.

A very, very tired little girl.

And so it is Christmas....

Last night we had our Christmas party with extended family. My Mum was one of 6, and we've always been surrounded by her side of the family. So much of my childhood is wrapped up with memories of these people.

Eating pikelets and scones around Grandmas kitchen table while drinking tea every Sunday afternoon, playing madly with my cousins every school holidays, sleepovers, lunches, BBQ's.... and of course, Christmas.

I've never been able to wrap my head around the concept of a quiet Christmas. Because in my family, Christmas has always been a big, crazy mess of people, noise and excitement. Every year, without fail, as many of us as possible would get together at Grandma's house to celebrate. We would open presents together, play and laugh and then eat.... and eat and eat.

Over the years, things have changed, people have moved, gone, new people have been welcomed to the family, the house became ours (my parents bought it from my Grandma), and then it became my sister's (they bought it from Mum and Dad).... we take the whole concept of 'keeping it in the family' to a whole new level huh? It's a little like 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' without the Greek.

These days, we've settled down a little. Sunday afternoon tea still happens, but not on such a grand scale.... it's quieter without Grandma. We don't actually get together for a huge shebang on Christmas Day now, we've broken off into our own little empires with my Aunties and Uncles now the new Grandparents. But at some point before Christmas as many of us a possible still get together.

We're starting new traditions now. My family for instance, will start Christmas Day with a big breakfast. We'll all go to church, then go back to the family home to open presents. Later on, we have a big elaborate lunch. Then in the afternoon we sleep off the elaborate lunch, and sometimes we might get together again to play games and moan about how we couldn't possibly eat another thing. It will be big and noisy and fun. (This is assuming, of course, that I'm not in hospital for Christmas) With four daughters and their families my parents have signed themselves up for a lifetime of company. But I don't think they would trade it for anything.

Last night, I was watching Georgie with all her Great-Aunties and Great-Uncles, her cousins and Grandparents and Aunties and Uncles.... and I just love it. She has people. Don't get me wrong, we are far from perfect. But there's just something so great about the belonging. This is our tribe. We may not be anything special or extraordinary. No different to any other of the millions of families celebrating Christmas this year. But I do love the fact that we belong together.  I'm very grateful for my family. They are one of the reasons we live where we do. And it's just good.

What will your Christmas look like this year?

For the joy of Dancing....

I used to dance. A lot. I did classical ballet for 12 years as a child and a teenager. And I also did jazz and tap and... cheerleading (don't laugh) for some of that time too. It kind of absorbed my life for a few years there. Almost every afternoon would see me at ballet. You wouldn't really know it to look at me. I never really had a dancer's build. But I loved it all the same. There's just something about moving that is so amazing. It's not really easy to describe. But if you are the same, you'll know exactly what I mean.

I miss dancing.

It could be because I am very, very pregnant right now. Even thinking about touching my toes requires a great deal of effort and concentration. I think I got this way when I was pregnant with Georgie too. Just desperate to feel light and able, to have my body do anything I want it to.

I did a little dancing once I finished high school, but it was hard to keep it up when I moved away to go to Uni. I never really got into a new ballet school. So I kind of just let it go. I did bits and pieces over the years with performing arts, and then I got into aerobics at the gym. But I haven't really properly danced for about 4 years now.

So I've decided I am going to do... something after this baby arrives. I'm not quite sure what. I'm not sure about going back to my old dance school. I just don't fancy the idea of prancing around in front of a bunch of fit teenagers. Besides, I've done all of the classical grades that I can, unless I want to go further on to the professional track. And I really don't. I'd just like to go somewhere, once a week, and move.

I don't want to perform, or anything like that. Just enjoy the wonder and freedom and pain that is dancing. There's just something so delicious about it. I'm not sure how I will go about it, or what I will do. Options are kind of limited in my little town. But I'm going to try really hard not to let this dream go. I'm going to dance again.


And yes, it could look a little like this.....

But so be it! 

I'm linking up with Jess over at Diary of a SAHM, for I blog on Tuesdays.

Imagination getting the better of me....

Last night I was putting Georgie to bed. I'd been feeling a big gross all day and was wondering if maybe the night would be the one when the baby would decided to arrive? (and no, it totally wasn't) But as I cuddled my little girl and put her to bed, I thought of my Aunty Jenny.

If you haven't already heard the story, my Aunty Jenny died years ago, from a complication in childbirth. When she was having her second baby, some of the amniotic fluid got into her bloodstream. And I just thought, did she do the same thing? Tuck her little girl in to bed with an 'I love you' and then go to hospital never to come home? It's times like this I hate my imagination, because it's all just too real.

And it just hurts.

It's not that I have any horrible premonitions about this baby's birth, I fully expect to have everything go fine. But it just makes me so incredibly sad. The idea of a little girl, the same age as Georgie, to just not have her Mummy anymore. To leave a little baby boy, newly hatched, motherless? A husband, to cope all alone? It's when I dwell on things like this that I don't understand God very well. And I don't like him. I understand why my Grandma had so much trouble dealing with it. Because it's just not right.

I don't have any answers. I know that God is holy and righteous. I just have to trust, and believe that some things are beyond our comprehension. And I know that God weeps for us just as much as we do.

Today I'm trying to take the time to make the most of my wonderful family.

Just a few things...

Today I'm linking up with Shae at Yay for home for her last Things I know, and I'll also flog with Glowless, with a couple of things that I have learned/ been reminded of this week.

1. Kids hurt themselves. Even though looking at a mark on your poor baby's face will make you feel like the worst mother in the world, life happens. Some days, children are just accident-prone, and they will climb a chair and fall and hurt themselves. Yes, you probably could have been watching her more closely, but everyone is entitled to go to the toilet. She is fine. Stop blaming yourself and get over it. She has!

My poor baby and her 'Owchie'.

2. When you are about to leave the house and the sky looks a little heavy, and you think to yourself 'I really should take those clothes off the line'.... the thought DOESN'T count. Take the clothes off the line. You won't regret it.

3. It is okay to not resist temptation every now and then and buy something pretty. Even though it's Christmas and money is a little tight.... sometimes, a little something can help brighten up the house and help inspire you to make things look good. It is nice to live in a house that looks nice. Occasionally it is all right to say 'Yes' to yourself instead of 'No'.

A new print for Georgie's room. I loves it.

4. Daytime naps when you are 38 weeks pregnant should be mandatory. And you should milk pregnancy for all it's worth the first time around. Because being pregnant while looking after a toddler? Just not as fun.

5. Good friends are worth their weight in gold, and a decent talk and visit with one will always help on a day when you are feeling a bit flat. Sometimes going out can seem like too much work, but there is nothing like flopping on someone else's couch for a bit. Enjoy the fact that you can be that comfortable with other people. It is good for the soul.

Today, it is enough.

Sometimes I kind of wonder if I am doing everything I could be, everything I should be? Some days I feel like I am walking through quicksand. Some days it feels like I am stuck, like in the movie Groundhog Day.... everything is the same and it will never, ever change.

It seems to be a common problem with Stay-at-home-Mummies. We love our kids, but we feel a little trapped by them. Getting bogged down by the mundane.

The other day I got a phone call from my old work. They have a new boss, and she was just ringing to see if I would be interested in coming back at all. She had been talking to the owners, who had mentioned I had left to have a baby.... and maybe I would come back after a year or so? (I said that, but I totally didn't mean it. It was a bit of just-in-case). I said no, seeing as how I'm about to have another baby in two weeks and all. But we had a bit of a chat, and she said I could feel free to just let them know any time I wanted to come back.

And it made me feel really good you know? To hear that someone wanted me. To hear that I have something that someone wants. Even though really, I worked in childcare, so it would be hardly any different to what I am doing now. But still, it made me feel good.

But I don't want to go back to work. Financially, and for our family... it just doesn't make sense. I know it would send me crazy. But the desire was still there a little, and that surprised me. I was surprised by how much of a boost that phone call gave me.

Because sometimes I don't feel like I am getting this motherhood thing right. Sometimes I look at Georgie and think 'are you happy enough?' Sometimes I really don't like the Mummy I am. Sometimes I long for peace, and control and order. Sometimes this is suffocating.Sometimes I really don't like her. And I hate it, but it doesn't stop me feeling that way.

But today.... today we are doing okay. Today I look at my little girl and she is busy. She does not feel neglected. She smiles. She chatters away in a language that only she can understand. She is busy living. And that is good. That is enough.

Even though at times it feels like I am not doing anything of importance or significance, contributing nothing to the world... the fact remains that I am everything to her. I love that my arms are the comfort she seeks when something goes wrong. That is good. I am everything to this person growing in me. And that is exactly as it should be. Today, it is enough.

I'm linking up with Jess at Diary of A SAHM for #IBOT. Come say hello, and check out her new digs!

Also, for those of you who didn't know... I made it into the top 25 for the Circle of Moms competition! I came in at number 22 with 452 votes! And I know that its just not possible that every one of those votes came from my family.... so to everyone who voted, Thank you so much! It was really nice to make it in.

A new perspective...

I was mindlessly watching TV tonight, when I flicked onto ABC and got sucked in to a brilliant Australian film called 'Here I am.' Here's the trailer if you're interested.

It was a really thought-provoking film for me. I missed the beginning, but the basic gist of the storyline revolves around Karen, a mother who is just out of prison. She finds shelter at a place for women like herself. The story is about her long road towards reconnecting with her daughter, who is in the care of Karen's estranged mother. I won't give away too much, because it is really worth watching. But it got to me.

I think I've only ever really seen one side of the story when it comes to parents who lose custody of their children. My family fostered for a while when I was younger, and I have a friend who fosters. And I've just always found it very hard to understand how people could mistreat their children and lose them. I have had little empathy for those who abuse and abandon their children.

I judged.

But this story really made me look at it from the other side. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be held responsible for the consequences of their actions. But at the same time, I just really had my eyes opened to just how bad some people have had it. There are so many people who have been so damaged in this life. Words really cannot describe it. Some people do really get the shortest end of the stick. Every. single. time..... Life just seems to thrown them every curve ball it possible can.

And I am so damn blessed.

I never really thought of myself as being born with a silver spoon in my mouth. We never had a lot of money, and life was tough at times. But I was. I am educated, I have always had a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I have never been beaten or raped. And I was loved. So much. I was loved extravagantly. I am loved extravagantly. And that is everything.

I don't think that circumstances excuse people. We all make choices, and at some point we become responsible for them. There is only so much you can blame others for mistakes you've made. But I do wonder, if you gave all the broken people in this world the start that I was given, the family I had.... how broken would they be?

There but for the grace of God go I. 

I will probably still judge again. It's easy to do, and I am so very good at it. But I'm going to try really hard not to. I'm going to try to remember that so many times the people who are doing damage were once damaged themselves. I'm also going to try to remember that some of those who I judge are trying to pull themselves up...  And that is so hard to do. It's much easier to never fall than it is to fall and have to get back up again. I've just got a new perspective on things, and I'm going to try to hold on to it.

Linking up with Glowless for Flog Yo blog Friday.

Rain, Rain, go away....

It has rained a lot in the past few days here in my town. A lot. Consequently, there has been a lot of talk about flooding. You see right about this time last year we had the same thing happen. It rained, and rained and rained. And a lot of people got water in their homes and businesses, and suffered financial damage. Then again, earlier this year, the waters rose and people were flooded a second time. So people around here get a little.... twitchy when it comes to too much rain.

Last night there was some flash flooding downtown. I think a few local businesses and maybe some houses may have had a bit of water through them. And it has still been raining. Creeks are getting backed up, the water just has nowhere to go. And it affects everyone. Not only those whose homes are flooded, although of course they are affected the worst. But when a town as small as mine is flooded.... it's a big deal. The highways get cut, the supermarket can start getting empty, people get very stressed.

 

Shane and I have a house in the higher side of town, and are well away from creeks and flood areas. And I am so, so, beyond thankful for that. But there are others who are not so fortunate. So today, spare a thought for those who are dealing with yet another time of stress, and worry. Many people have only just moved back into their homes. I have friends who still haven't gone home yet from earlier flooding. It may not be on a scale as large as the flooding was in Brisbane and the surrounding areas. It probably won't make many news headlines. But there are still people who are suffering.

I'm linking up with Kate for Thankful Thursdays. Because I'm so thankful that this morning I woke up and the sun was shining! It looks like today could be a drier day! I am also grateful that we are high and dry, but I am praying for those who aren't. There is still more rain forecast to fall over the weekend. So please send up a prayer for them too.

I really would love to be a part of the Circle of Mums top 25 Aussie Mum blogs, so please pop on over and vote for me if you can spare a moment.

Wordless Wednesday: The tree is up!

Something tells me that next year will not look quite the same.... I managed to do it without too much 'help,' but I think next time I will be the one helping!

Linking up with Trish at My little Drummer boys, for Wordless Wednesday :)

There are only 2 days left to vote, and I'm sitting at number 25. I would really love to stay there and have mine be one of the Circle of Moms top 25 Aussie Mum blogs. So, please pop over and vote for me!

What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

~Romeo and Juliet.

"I read a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I've never been able to believe it. I don't believe a rose would be as nice if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage."

 ~Anne of Green Gables

I think sometimes about people and their names. When coming to give this baby a name, we decided pretty quickly. I'm still not 100% sold on the boys name, but I figure I will get used to it. But it makes me wonder. We make such a huge deal about the whole naming the baby thing. But when it's all said and done, it's just a name. And we all have such different tastes.

I think, most of the time people grow into their names. To be perfectly honest I don't like 'Robyn' that much. It's not what I would have picked. But if you gave me a choice to re-name myself? I couldn't do it. I am Robyn, it's that simple. The same way I don't really like the name Shane that much. But I like Shane. I don't know many people who do like their names. My Mum's name is Heather, and she's never loved it.

I think people make a name good or bad, most of the time. A lot of the time you seem to like a name if you've met someone you liked of that name, and vice versa. I know that there are certain names that I just cannot come at, because of my childcare experience. For instance, Abbey is a name I like. But I knew about 8 different Abbey's in my center alone. It was such a popular name. So I could never have a child called Abbey. I also cannot like the name Braidon because I had one in my group who was an absolute horror.

I think our dog Chloe is an interesting one. I'm not really fussed on the name Chloe. I just don't like it that much. But when Shane and I were talking about getting a dog with our nieces, someone asked my niece Rachel, what our dog's name should be. She replied Chloe, because she had a kindy teacher by that name. We kind of laughed it off, but then, when we were looking at dogs, we saw her, and both just said "It's Chloe." And that was that.

I also don't  re-use names. I'm not one of those people who has a few girls and boys names set in stone, and know that is what I will call my children. I know a few people who have had names they liked since childhood. But I've never done that. I liked the name Georgina at the time. If Georgie was a boy she would have been Ethan. But I couldn't use the name Ethan now. I remember a few days after Georgie was born, wondering if we had given her the right name. It just felt so odd. But now? She is Georgina. 

I tend to like old-fashioned English names. I love the name Edward, but Shane will not touch it. I also like the name Helen, I think it would be so cute to have a little girl who was called Nell for short. But again, it's not just up to me.

It's funny, one of the reasons I hated the name Robyn is because it doesn't easily go into a nickname. The only nicknames were boys names which I hated... Rob or Bob. And yet I did the same thing to Georgie. But I really don't think names matter as much as we think we do. I think generally people grow into their names, and end up suiting them. And I don't think they are that important. There are obviously still some pretty terrible names that would be hard to live with. But most of the time, I don't think they really matter that much.

What do you think? Are names that important? Do you like your name? And do you think a rose would still smell as sweet if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage? Because as much as I think names don't matter, it does feel like Anne has a point....

I'm joining up with Jess for I blog on Tuesdays, come play!

Oh and if you get a chance, hop on over to the Circle Of Moms page and vote for me! Only 3 days left!  

Just a peek at some of the fear that is occupying my head space at the moment...

At the moment there is a bit of a niggling fear in the back of my mind. I have 19 days to go until we get to this baby's due date, and so far everything is progressing along very well. But I can't shake that 'what if something goes wrong?'

I think it's more prominent this time around, because last time, it was my first pregnancy and I steadfastly tried to avoid as much information about childbirth as I could. I didn't go in totally blind, we did the birthing classes and I read books. But I kind of just listened to my Mum's advice of "it's going to be the hardest work you ever do, but you will get a baby at the end of it." (Pretty good advice). I steered clear of horror stories of 60 hour labours, and tried to avoid those charming women who seem to actively seek pregnant women to terrify, and were eager to tell me of the ordeals they had suffered through to get their children (seriously, what is up with those women?).

But this time I've been exposed to lots more than I needed to know. Partly because of the Internet,  also because of the joy of mothers groups, and the battle stories that are told there, and also because in the past 6 months two of my friends from playgroups have had their babies flown to the city after complications (isn't that a scary word?). There's the memory of my Aunty Jenny lurking in there somewhere, and I think I am also a bit more aware of just how precious having a baby is. But for whatever the reason, I am a lot more worried about what can go wrong.

This time around, we have also elected to stay at home and have the baby at our local regional hospital, rather than travel to the city and have the baby privately, the way we did with Georgie. We just decided it was going to be easier on Georgie and myself, because it was difficult to have to travel for appointments and scans so often, and I would have had to be in the city for a month before the birth, which would have been quite difficult. Plus it is a whole lot cheaper. And I didn't have too many dramas with my first pregnancy, so we decided it was for the best.

But now I do wonder if we made the right call. It's not that our local hospital hasn't been wonderful, but it is a small hospital, there is no NICU, and no permanent obstetrician. Just a flying obstetrician who services the whole area. So if something goes badly wrong, you are flown away to the city. But occasionally there just isn't time or opportunity to get the help that is needed. And that is a bit scary.

I'm telling myself that childbirth is a completely natural process, and I do think that far too often there is too much medical intervention these days. But I'm still worried about all that could go wrong. And I'm scared that it could be my fault, because it was mostly my decision to stay. Could I ever forgive myself if my child grew up with a problem, that may not have been a problem if they had received adequate medical care from the moment they were born?

I don't really expect any answers or any reassurance. I guess I just have to trust this baby with God. But it's hard. I just hope that this baby can arrive safely and without too much drama or 'complication' (there's that word again!).

It's not fair!

I grew up listening to Relient K during my teenage years, and the other day I found an old CD and have had it on in the car all week. I've been listening to one particular song 'Be my escape.' Because there's a line in there that just really struck a chord with me.

The beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair.

That just really go me thinking. We're very good at noticing when life's not fair and we're the ones who suffer.

It's not fair, she ate the last ice cream and I never got any.

It's not fair that he speeds all the time and has never gotten a ticket.

It's not fair that I'm stuck at home with our children all day while he gets to be off having the time of his life.

It's not fair that she got that promotion over me when I've been here longer and am just as qualified.

It isn't fair that there are people in the world who are dying of starvation when there are others struggling to lose weight.

It isn't fair that there are so many victims of rape, violence and abuse in this world, and the innocent always seem to suffer while the guilty go free.


How often do we complain that life's not fair on us? And the truth is it isn't. It isn't fair that so many bad things happen. There is an immeasurable amount of unfair that goes on in this world.


It's not fair that Jesus died on the cross for our sin.


I am good at focusing on the times when I'm the one who loses out. But what about the times that I come out on top, when I should suffer the consequences? It's so easy to remember the bad and forget the good. But really, we are fortunate that life isn't fair. If it were, nobody would stand a chance of making it to heaven. He took upon Himself the consequences of my sin.

I'm not saying we have to be happy about the unfairness all the time. It's normal to struggle and hate some things. But I also think it's very important to recognise the times when the balance goes in our favour, and rejoice in it. Grace makes life not fair. And that's a really good thing.

Dear Santa....

As a kid I don't really remember believing in Santa Clause. It's not like my parents ever sat me down and told me he wasn't real, but we never really 'did' Santa either, if you know what I mean. We didn't get presents from him, and I can't recall leaving food out for him or anything like that. I think we were mostly taught about Jesus and about how He was the one we remembered at Christmas. And that's probably what I see myself doing with my children too. Never outright saying 'Santa's not real' but showing that for us, Jesus is the Christmas-dude.

But nonetheless. I decided I would compose a wishlist of my own, just getting in early with some things that I would love for Christmas because the lovely Daisy from Daisy Roo and Two tagged me. Besides, you never know, do you? Even if Santa doesn't deliver (and I'm not holding my breath) there's always a chance a rich and kindly benefactor could read my blog and say 'she sounds like a nice person.' Hey, it could happen!

So here's my Christmas wishlist.

An Iphone.

I know right? How is it possible I don't have one? How technologically challenged am I? But the fact is, these things are a bit expensive, and my current phone costs us hardly anything, because we own it and it's prepaid. Plus, I don't really use my phone enough to warrant it. But I still really, really want one. Mostly just for instagram and all the cool apps. One day I'll get one!

A day spa package

Doesn't that just sound wonderful? I would love to have a full beauty treatment at a spa, but it's the kind of thing I just couldn't justify spending on myself. There is that whole problem of there being no day spa in my town, but after all this is a wish list.


A thermomix

These things are seriously awesome (and seriously expensive!)

A bread slicing guide

You might be saying a what? But these things are actually pretty good! I make my own bread, and I have an electric knife, but I slice some pretty uneven bits of bread. Normally it's Shane's job to slice it, because he does a much better job than I do. But when he's away or just too busy to get to it, we end up eating some pretty wonky slices of bread. One of these would come in very handy in our household!

Towels

I know, I know.... But the fact is, our towels are getting quite old. They aren't dead yet, but they're on their way, and I would love some beautiful, soft fluffy towels. I am officially old and boring.


Good Books

I know that it makes much more sense to want one of these

and believe me, if someone was to give me one I would totally love it! But at the same time, for me, I still find that there's something nice about the written word on a page rather than on an electronic screen. I just prefer it. But, you know, either one is fine!


A new bedspread

I would really love one of these. Our bed at the moment is covered by a quilt. It does the job, but I would love to get a really beautiful bedspread. They just make a bed look so lovely and smooth, not lumpy and uneven like quilts. I've been looking, but haven't found the exact right one yet, plus they are a bit expensive, so when I get one I want to get the right one. One day I will have a beautiful bed!



I'm going to stop myself there. Because while there are plenty more things I could add to this here list (a new wardrobe, a makeover, a weekend away, a cleaner, etc) the fact is, for the most part, I'm sitting pretty. There's not a whole lot of 'stuff' I actually need. And I am very grateful for that.

I'm linking this one up with Shae at Yay for home for Things I know, because I kind of qualify.... this list is things I know I want after all! And I'll link up with Glowless seeing as it's Friday.

Make sure you pop over to the Circle of Mums page and vote for me too, (if you don't mind) and a big thank you to everyone who has been voting. I don't quite know who all of you are, but I am very grateful! I'm sitting at number 25 at the moment, (to be honest I'm a little stunned about that) but there's still 8 more days to go!