No light

I never imagined it would be like this.

Being trapped, and not knowing how to do this.

You know what sucks? Being stuck in a crappy situation, that you have absolutely no control over.

I didn't realise that I would be so bad at parenting. I thought I would be better, kinder, more fun, more patient. Without the Wiggles, I'd be screwed.

How can I teach my child self control, when I have none? How can she learn how to love unconditionally, when I don't? How do I make their world stable and safe and secure, when my world isn't?  How do I teach them patience, and kindness and compassion when I have none? The further in I go in motherhood, the more I am convinced that I am just not the right person for the job.

I thought I was an okay person before I had kids. Not, you know, the best person in the world, but okay. But as a parent, I really don't like myself. It would be so nice to give in. To stop, and be lazy, and not think, not follow routine, not have to do. But I can't. These tiny people need me.

I just don't know what to do.

When my little girl cries and screams and hits and kicks when she wakes up. It breaks my heart. I don't know what is wrong, why she is sad, and it hurts me. But it also makes me angry. I want to smack her and shout at her to just stop it! I just want to be able to fix it, and I don't know how.

I don't know how to care for these people, my family. I don't know how to meet their needs. I don't know how to meet my needs. I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like I can't do anything right. I hate feeling left out, and I hate dealing with insecurities that I thought I'd managed to leave in high-school. I hate this. I hate the weakness. As far as I'm concerned, you put on a brave face and keep fighting. Whining about it won't do you any good. Just keep going, and eventually you'll get there.

But what do you do when you just don't know if you can keep going anymore?

I suck at this.

My breastfeeding journey

Last week it was World Breastfeeding week here in Australia, and I was planning on sharing my breastfeeding story. But (like always lately) I just didn't get it done in time. However, I've decided to share it anyway.

I didn't really think too much about breastfeeding, until I actually had to do it. I wasn't really that into the idea, but was passionate about doing it for the nutritional benefits, and figured I'd just take it as it came.

When Georgie arrived I didn't really have a clue what I was supposed to do. (Does anyone?) I had her in a busy, big-ish, hospital, and there were a lot of different midwives with very different opinions. I rarely saw the same midwife twice.  I had some who made me try to feed lying down, others who insisted I sit up, and hold the baby just so, some said I should never express, and then there was one who made me express. I had a slightly inverted nipple. I also had a baby who had had a pretty intense birth, she was jaundiced, and her head was sore from the vacuum, so she was very disinterested in feeding. Those who said 'it won't hurt if you are doing it right' were liars. It hurts in the beginning. A lot. I was totally unprepared for what it would be like to have my milk come in, and I was blessed with an abundance of supply.

So, it was a pretty uncomfortable journey in the beginning.

I didn't know what to do, or how to feed my child and I was convinced I was a horrible failure as a mother. But then one night, there was a lovely midwife who was a lactation consultant, and she gave me some much needed rest, and helped me (finally) feed my baby. It wasn't all smooth sailing, and some times I still didn't get it right, but by the time I went home we had established feeding.

I got home, and started feeding my baby girl, and we had our issues. I had to learn what I could and couldn't eat. (Anyone who tells you that what you eat doesn't affect your baby, doesn't know what they are talking about!) We had a couple of screaming nights due to chilli, and oranges and onion, until I finally found what was safe. But then, just when Georgie was starting to feed well (after she had taken out a massive chunk of one nipple), I started to get pain. It started with very, very sore burning, stinging, tender nipples, and slowly got worse and worse. This pain was awful, and like no other pain I had had while feeding.

As I fed Georgie, it would feel like there was a razor blade sliding up my milk ducts, through my breasts. It was a shooting, stabbing, deep pain. It was toe curling, sob-inducing pain. It made me absolutely dread feeding my baby. It took all my strength to fight through the pain to let Georgie feed. I mistook it for regular attachment pain in the beginning. But eventually it got so terrible I saw a Doctor. They had no idea what it was in the beginning, and treated me for mastitis. (which ended up making things worse) But that wasn't it. My Mum and my sister had no idea what it was. Nobody seemed to know.

Eventually I used good old Doctor Google, and self-diagnosed myself with nipple thrush. I went back to the Doctor, and this time saw my GP, who was lovely. She prescribed me with Daktarin gel, (a miracle drug.) I started taking probiotics and we also treated Georgie for mouth thrush. It took a very long time to clear it up, and I was told I may have to express for a while because it had gotten so bad, and I seriously considered weaning. Between Georgie's reflux, and the thrush I felt like I should have just handed my purse over to the pharmacist! But we persevered through the toe-curling pain, and I am so glad we did.

By the time Georgie was around 4 months, things had mostly cleared up, and breastfeeding (finally) became a natural, easy, thing for me to do. I fed Georgie until she was 13 months old. My goal was to get to 12 months. I would have continued longer, but I got pregnant with Charlie when Georgie was 9 months old, and by the time she was 13 months my supply was really dwindling, and I just wanted to have a little break from breastfeeding before the next baby came along.



Breastfeeding Charlie has been a bit of a dream, by comparison. As soon as he was born, Charlie knew what to do. He had his first feed just after he was born and it was so much easier. He attached really well from the beginning, and I was a lot more confident and secure in my abilities. I was also a lot less inclined to listen to so many differing opinions from midwives, and just did what worked for me.

 

We had our dramas with wind, Charlie also suffered a little from reflux, and I have had the occasional skirmish with nipple thrush, but this time, because I have been more aware, I have taken probiotics from the start, and I knew to get on top of it the moment the thrush hit, so it has never managed to get a proper hold on me.

Now, Charlie is seven months old, and breastfeeding, is, for the most part, just something I do that is almost a second nature now. I don't love the fact that Charlie has teeth, (he is a bit of a biter) but mostly it's really good. I have had a few supply issues with Charlie. He is a big boy and takes a lot of milk from me, plus I am also a lot busier and getting much less sleep than I need. But for the most part, things are going well.

Breastfeeding is not easy in the beginning. It is a lot of trouble, and requires a lot of effort and causes a lot of pain. I was fortunate and had a lot of support from my husband, my Mum, my sisters, my doctor... there really wasn't anyone around me who wasn't supportive, and I know that that was so important in my journey. I am aware everyone has their own journey to travel, and I do not believe that bottle feeding is the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it can be a necessary, sweet relief.

However, if you can get past the pain and the drama and the stress and the problems, and get help with it in the beginning..... eventually, you might be able to reach a point where you realize 'Hey, I am feeding my baby, and it is easy!...... I can feed my baby!!!' And you look at those squishy, chubby legs, and those kissable fat cheeks with pride, going '"Oh yeah, I made those."

 And you get to feel pretty darn proud of yourself and your body.

Logistics of Motherhood

Today I thought I might write a little bit about how I manage as a Mum. Part of what I love about blogging is the sticky-beak factor... I find it very interesting to see how other mothers live and think and feel and act. Whether it gives me good ideas, or makes me go 'Yeah I like my way so much better!' I really enjoy a bit of friendly nosiness from time to time, and I thought you might too. So I thought I'd write a post about how I manage to enjoy (and at times survive) stay-at-home-motherhood.

Save water, shower with a friend.

This applies to bathing as well!

Before I had kids, I used to shower twice a day. I remember talking to one of my friends who is a Mum, and somehow this was mentioned, and she said 'Yeah, you'll be lucky to do that when you have kids!' Turns out, she was wrong. For me, showering is a necessity. I don't feel ready to start the day until I've showered, and I can't sleep properly dirty. So I have made it happen.  In the mornings, Shane starts work early, sometimes we don't even wake up before he is gone. So I have to shower on my own with the kids. Most of the time, Georgie hops into the shower with me, and I pick a good time when Charlie is happy and he plays on the floor in the hallway nearby. I can see myself in a years time showering with both of them, and honestly, the idea of it doesn't thrill me, but it's a lot better than not showering, and my tinies are just too small to be able to leave unsupervised yet. I love Georgie, but I wouldn't put it past her to 'help' feed Charlie, or put a bag on his head or something. So for now, that's how I do it.


It's hard to start the day fresh if you're busy doing yesterday's dishes.

I must admit, housework has never been my strong suit. (Is is anyone's?) Before kids I used to let a lot of it pile up until I dealt with it one weekends, and it has taken discipline for me to learn how to clean daily with kids. I am still not the greatest homemaker in the world, but now I have learned that there are certain things I need to do, if my house is going to run smoothly. Every night, I try to do about 45 minutes of cleaning before bed. I aim do the dishes, sweep the floor, take out the rubbish, put a load of washing on ready for the morning, pick up toys, and make sure most things are put back in their rightful places. I don't love it, especially on the nights when Charlie doesn't go to bed until late. I get a bit grumpy when I'm up at midnight doing dishes, and occasionally I do leave it, but it's (almost) always worth it.

This might be different for other people. I know if my two didn't sleep as well as they do I might not do it. But generally they are only up four times a night at the most, and my kids also tend to sleep in. So night cleaning works for me. It's nice to have the house tidy every night. And I get things done so much quicker without little people around. Plus, it means that in the mornings, if needed, we can just have breakfast, get ready, and get out of the house quickly. I haven't yet figured out a system to handle my folding however, and still often use the 'let it pile up until it's disgusting' method with it!

Your witness

Get out.

One of the things I learned with stay at home motherhood, is that my days go so much easier if we have spent a portion of the day out of the house. I tend to try to get out most mornings, because it helps me feel less confined. Some mornings we have playgroup or bible study, other mornings I visit friends or go grocery shopping, and if I have nothing else on the agenda but just need to get out, I often just pop the kids in the pram and go for a walk. It helps a lot, and makes motherhood just a little bit less lonely.


Exercise.

The last thing that I've found to be absolutely essential for me is exercise. It helps me keep my head together. Every day I try to do something. I go to the gym a couple of times a week for workouts, and I do pilates and Zumba classes when the stars align properly (and Shane gets home in time). Whenever I get the chance I also try to swim and ride my bike, but my most common form of exercise is walking. Sometimes exercising is the last thing I feel like doing, especially when I think I could be sleeping instead! But it really does help.

So there you have it. Just some of the things that help keep me slightly less crazy! And, if you are a Mummy, what are your sanity-saving tips?

I'm linking this post up with Jess at Diary of a SAHM for #IBOT, come join in the fun!

I have a two year old, how did that happen?

In the past couple of weeks. This little girl has had her birthday.

I find it a bit hard to believe that I have a big two year old! It seems like all of a sudden, Georgie has stopped being anything that resembles a baby and is a real little girl.

She is such a cheeky little thing.

She is such a beautiful girl. She is getting quite chatty now, and has very definite ideas. She is incredibly stubborn, and so determined! She is a very independent little girl as well, and I often have to watch her closely, because her ideas and her capabilities don't always line up!

She adores her Father, I often joke that Shane must feel a little like a rockstar with the way she idolizes him. Especially at church on Sundays. He regularly plays the drums at church during worship, and when Georgie knows that the music is finished and her Dad is going to come sit with her, the whole congregation often has a chuckle at a little girl's excited shouts of "Daddy! Daddy!"

She also loves her brother. She constantly cuddles and 'mothers' him, and he just thinks she is wonderful. I know eventually there will be plenty of fighting, but right now, I love their relationship. I do have to watch her pretty closely though, because sometimes she can get a bit carried away!

She had a reasonably quiet birthday. We had a party, but it was a small-(ish) family affair. I was quite proud of the cake. It was a fluffy white chocolate mud cake, and I had a definite 'feel like a parent moment' while putting it together with Shane the night before her birthday!

Georgie couldn't quite grasp what all the fuss was about, but she had a great birthday!

I am so glad for the day, two years ago, when we had little Georgina Shirley. It has been hard work, but she has filled our lives with so much joy.

Just for something different

Yesterday afternoon, Charlie woke up from his afternoon nap, and we went and hung out washing. The sky was grey and gloomy, but there was no rain. Georgie was playing on her swing, wanting desperately to be pushed, and Charlie was grubbing about on the lawn, eating grass. I finished hanging out washing, and swung Georgie on the swing, but as I did it, I was conscious of all the things I should have been doing.

The bed was still unmade. Dinner was not planned or prepared. The pile of folding really needed my attention.... but all I wanted to do, was escape. To take my babies and run away somewhere to have some fun.

And so we did.

We put on our boots, and I strapped Charlie into the baby carrier, and we went for a walk.

As I walked along, with my little girl's hand in mine, and my little boy's big blue eyes looking up at me, I wanted to freeze time.

In this moment, we are happy.




We walked down the road and stopped at people's fences to see the 'puppies'. At one point we crossed the road, because one big puppy was a bit scary.

We looked at the grey clouds above, and we watched the cars drive past.

We saw parents dropping their children off for band practice at school, and I watched a mother zip into a parking bay to drop off a girl with a violin and a boy with a cello and thought to myself 'pretty soon that will be me.'

We walked past the childcare center where I used to work, and I watched parents duck in and out to pick up their little people, and I thanked God quietly that I didn't have to be one of them, and that my little people were with me, and not in a room with too many other little people.

We decided to keep on walking to the nearby playground, and I watched my little girl's steps slow a little as we walked up the 'big hill!'.

 

We walked past the hospital, and I looked down at my boy, who had fallen asleep, and I remembered how he was born there just six months ago.

 

 I noticed teenage boys being cool at the skate park, and looked down at my boy thinking 'pretty soon that will be you.' 

We got to the playground, and as my little girl climbed up to the very top and went down the twisty slide, giggling, (all by herself) I asked myself, "When did she get so big?'

As it got darker, we decided it was time to go home for a bath, and we slowly made our way back, while listening to the faint snatches of song, coming from the school.

At home, there was no dinner cooked, and there was plenty of housework that needed to be done.

But my children will only be two years, and six months old, once.

It was a nice way to spend an afternoon.

Why I don't believe in same sex marriage

I have something to say. It's hard to write. Because I know it is most definitely not going to be popular, and may cause me ridicule and unhappiness. But I can't help that. It's an issue that I have seen many bloggers write about recently, and while I admire and respect many of those who support gay marriage, I can't agree with them on that issue. I know I need to stay true to my convictions.

I do not support same sex marriage.

I can't. I believe that marriage was created by God, for one man, and one woman. [Truth]

Let me ask you a question. Say you had a really, really beautiful vase that meant a lot to you. Imagine it was an amazingly expensive beautiful vase that was worth so much money, and it had been in your family for generations. This vase is so precious that your Great Grandfather smuggled it out of Warsaw during World War Two. It's a vase that means so much to you, and your family. It's a vase, and so much more. It's a symbol for you that helps remind your family to stay strong and together.

But your family had no respect for it. And every now and then they would run past it, and hit it, and kick it and scratch it. Eventually it became damaged, and ugly, and it's beauty was ravaged and it barely even resembled the old Vase that was once so precious..... Would you care? And would you say, "Oh well, they have already wrecked it, we may as well give it to the kids to break, and maybe they can use it in a collage or something"?

I wouldn't.

Here's the thing. That's kind of like what marriage is to me. It is something amazingly precious that God created specifically for a man and a woman. For life. It is a precious thing that has so much more power and significance than we understand. It provides protection for our children, and for all of us. Whether we acknowledge it or not. Over time, humans have allowed the institution of marriage to crumble and we've treated it like garbage, and that's not something that's happened recently either.

But it is not destroyed. I believe that when two adults are joined together the way God intended, it is a truly powerful, wonderful thing. It's not perfect, because we're all human. But it is still something pretty amazing. And the legalization of gay marriage, or polygamous marriage, or any other form of marriage not ordained by God will not diminish that.

But I do believe that a blessing comes from God upon a nation when that nation aligns itself with His ways and purposes. One man, one woman, together with God is the ideal. [a cord of three strands] It's what was intended. And I am going to do what I can, to help uphold marriage in it's pure, unadulterated, God-created form for as long as possible. I understand that it's broken... but I'm still just not willing to throw that vase away.

I have nothing against gay people. But I believe that homosexuality is a sin. The same way I believe that my lying, and selfishness, and laziness is sinful. I don't condemn  people for homosexuality. The way I feel about homosexual people is exactly the same as the way I feel about  those who are heterosexual. But that doesn't mean that I can support homosexuality because I believe it is a sin.

In a way I can understand. Because if you didn't have a reason (faith in God) to believe homosexuality was a sin, then you wouldn't see a problem. But I do. And so I can respect other people because I understand that they are not coming from the same place I am. [All have sinned and fallen short of the grace of God, but by his stripes we are made free] They don't have my reasons for opposing same sex marriage. But I am still going to oppose it. Because I can't agree with it, I believe we were created for more, and I believe that there is a blessing upon my nation while marriage is still kept as close to God's ideal as possible.

Marriage isn't a human right. It is a sacred bond that was created by God, with God, between a man and a woman. I'm all for allowing gay people the same human rights as married people. I do not believe that a gay person is a second class citizen. And I also believe that a homosexual person can love and feel just as deeply as a a heterosexual person.

But I just don't believe that we were intended to be with people of the same sex. And so I cannot condone same sex marriage.

I don't expect you to agree with me, but I do think it's important that people can understand that many Christians are not prejudiced, ignorant, or crazy. Some are, yes, but so are some non-christian people. We are not necessarily that different. But many of us just have a devout faith in God, that makes us do our best to uphold his righteous ways. We don't always succeed in that because we are human, but we are saved by the grace of Jesus, and we honour God the best way we can. And this is how I try to do it.

Linking up with Jess from Diary of a SAHM for I blog on Tuesdays.

Julie from The Useful box also wrote a brilliant post regarding this issue, God's marriage ideal.



I understand that many people will have views that are different to mine on this topic and take no issue with comments that disagree with me. If however, those comments are abusive or derogatory, they will be removed. I will also not be replying to comments on this post, as I believe I have stated my case, and I don't believe that arguing will help change opinions. I also don't want the comments section of this post to end up in a mud-slinging debate. I don't have all the answers, but this is some of what I believe, and why.

My boy

I love his little laugh.

I love the way he sucks his thumb.

I love how I can charm him out of a bad mood.

I love his fat little legs, and how squeezing them makes him giggle.

I love waking up to his happy face in the morning.

 

I love our funny little conversations, when you could swear he is telling me everything he knows.

I love how ticklish he is.

I love the way he gets amazingly funny when he is so cranky and hungry, and then finally gets that first mouthful of food/ boob.

I love the way he is so wholly and absolutely boy.

I love getting kisses/ face sucks from him.

I love watching him move so quickly when he spots something his sister has left unnattended.

I love how he and his sister are such good friends.

 I love his sweet smile.

I love the way you can always tell what's going on with him.

I love being his Mummy.

Today I'm linking up with Kate, over at Kate Says Stuff, for Thankful Thursdays.