Time out

I know I have been a very neglectful blogger lately. For a variety of reasons. I've been busy, and I've been tired. So tired. Weary deep down to my bones and drained in a way I didn't know existed. I've basically been running on fumes for a while now.

I wouldn't say it's just physical. Yes, the kids exhaust me. That thing about children siphoning the energy out of their parents while they sleep? I believe it. But mentally and emotionally too. This year has tested Shane and I to the limit. He has had more responsibility and pressure from his work than I think he would have imagined possible this time last year. A lot of that has, naturally flowed on to me. So I have had to pick up more slack than ever, plus I've had a fair bit of my own stuff with my post-natal depression. I've felt like a single parent and a punching bag a lot this year.

But I can see the good. God has seen us through so much this year. And I think we have learned how to rely on him more than we ever had before. I have watched Shane be challenged and I've watched him grow, and learn how to face his problems with courage and integrity. He is not the same boy I married. I really admire the man he has become.

I have found a strength, wisdom and courage, a perseverance and forbearance inside myself that I didn't know existed. God has held me so closely this year and I am more grateful for my relationship with him than I can say. He really is good.

For now however, I am weary. I am looking forward to a bit of a rest and some time out. We will be spending some time at the beach before going to visit Shane's family for Christmas, and I don't anticipate writing another blog post until the New Year. I hope to get back into my writing much more next year. So, Thank you for following along with me this year, and I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Robyn

Our God Reigns

Sometimes I have trouble understanding... anything. I look at what I know is in me, and the world, and I just have trouble liking any of it, you know?

I have trouble relating God to everything that happens in this world. Why there is so much pain, and hurt and confusion. I don't understand so much of it. It all seems too big, too much, too hard. And it just hurts.

But He.... is so much bigger, so much holier, so much greater, than we can imagine. He sees... he knows. And in spite of it all, or maybe even because of it, He is God.

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It's a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren't we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.

100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone's drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it's loaded with 'unsure'
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn't screw up when he made you,
He's a father who loves to parade you.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

29 and 11

I realised the other day that I haven't written too much lately about the kids. Which is a shame, because they are pretty great. So I thought I'd do an update on where my two cheeky monkey's are at lately.

Georgie. Where do I start? She is almost 2 and a half. She is bright and clever and independent. She is always a couple of steps ahead of me, and I swear some days I can just see the wheels turning in her little head. She is such a little mama. She 'mothers' poor Charlie to death at times, but she is also so incredibly helpful, and such a little mimic, and is terribly funny!

 

 She is on her way to being toilet trained, and wears undies almost all of the time now, and is only still in nappies when she sleeps. And oh, how she loves to swim! Every time we step foot in a pool I get comments about how good at swimming she is, how much she loves it, or how enthusiastic she is. I swear she is part dolphin. We have just started swimming lessons this term and she loves it! She is one of the very youngest in her class, but she holds her own with the bigger kids. She is getting very capable in the water now, and my only trouble is making sure she is not too capable. She does have a tendency to just jump in, whether someone is ready to help her or not! But she is a good little swimmer.

 

 She loves routine. She loves to dance, and is turning into a little chatterbox. She is also turning into a real little girl, loves to dress in 'pretty dresses' and is getting so beautiful. She is my girl, and she is lovely.

And Charlie. How I adore my boy! He is the most awesome little baby boy in the world!

He is so sweet, and cuddly. But he can also be a little ball of mischief as well. He is 11 months old now, (almost 1!) outgrowing a lot of his soft baby chubbiness and he is starting to get a lot more muscular. He is standing up on everything and his favourite thing to do is push around kitchen chairs, walking behind them and making a tremendous noise. He will be walking soon. He also LOVES  food with a passion, especially big people food!

 He is a practically perfect baby and has been sleeping the night through since he was about 6 months old. He has basically ruined me for another baby, should we ever have one. He tends to be quite cheerful most of the time, and rarely gets grumpy. Mind you, when he is grumpy he will sometimes hit and pull hair and lash out a little. His philosophy seems to be "If I'm unhappy, I'm going to tell the whole world about it and make them unhappy too!" It will be interesting to see if he sticks with that one as he gets older! It's definitely a good thing he is rarely cranky! Before I had him I wasn't too sure about being a mummy of boys, but he has made me so incredibly grateful to God for a son. Because I love this kid to bits.

We have been jogging along steadily. We are hanging out for holidays, and a break. This last week has seen a bit more limping (it's been a rough week). But for the most part, we are doing okay. I am doing much better, and my bad days are not so bad. And, though we have our struggles and our difficulties, life with these guys is pretty good.

Small is okay

As I was busy tidying the house yesterday, getting exasperated at the fact that I would clean an area, only to come back two minutes later to find that tiny people had made yet another mess...  I thought about how small my life is.

My world is quite insulated at the moment. The bigger picture is kind of hazy. I find I am pouring all my time, and my energy, into so many things that feel very, very unimportant in the grand scheme of things. And it feels like so much of what I do just doesn't last. Cooking, cleaning, cuddling, washing, disciplining, entertaining, teaching... then go to bed and re-do it all again tomorrow.

My life is very small. Very insulated.

I get why that can be a bad thing. I don't think it's a good idea to get too caught up in housework, or other unimportant things. I sometimes question what exactly it is I do. Am I just wife and a mother? And why is that a problem... why the just? I think it's so easy to judge myself by society's standards. And so I continue to expect more from myself. If I am a stay at home Mum, I can't possibly just look after my family and my house. Surely I should do more! I should be working part time, or be on all sorts of committee's, or do something crafty, or be fundraising to feed the homeless, or something! Surely I am a useless drain on society unless I am doing more than being a stay-at-home-mum?

But I have this theory, that if more people in the world focused on their own little patch of the earth, making it better, taking care of the people they are closest to.... the world would be a much nicer place to live in.

And so right now, if all I can manage is to care for my family, a few chosen friends and the day-to-day running of my household.... that's okay. I'm not trying to put down the people who do lots of extra stuff. I know that I could stand to be more community minded, and I'm aware that it is possible to become too insulated and ignorant of the world and it's problems. There are people who can do more than I can. I really believe that balance is the key.

But at the same time, I'm not willing to sacrifice the needs of myself and my family for the 'greater good' (whatever that is?). I put a lot of work into my relationships, and into trying to meet the
needs of the people I love. Because I think it's important. For example I think if more spouses were more emotionally available, the divorce rate, and therefore the amount of broken families in this world, would be significantly lower. I don't subscribe to the idea that any idiot can be a mother. You only need to go have a chat to somebody working within the Department of Child Safety to see that.

I can't change the world. Really, I'm too small. I can't control other people, and make peace in the middle east. And I can't stop bad stuff from happening to good people. But I can pray, and be aware. And I can control me. My attitude, the way I respond when other people hurt me. I can work hard to make sure that people who have direct contact with me, (hopefully) will come away richer because of it. So much of the time, I can't do anything about other people's behaviour, or beliefs. But I can take care of my own. And I can do the best I can, even if it's in a very small way.

I get it now

Dear Mum,

Thank you.

Thank you for the hours spent washing dishes.

Thank you for cooking me so much good nutritious food, and making sure I never went to bed hungry (unless I deserved to!).

Thank you for the endless washing, and folding and ironing, because you wanted me to look my best.

Thank you for making my bed, and tidying my room, and vacuuming and mopping and dusting.

Thank you for making me learn how to do it for myself and for showing me why it was important. Thank you for showing me how to take care of others.

Thank you for driving me around to places I wanted to go, when you had plenty of other things you would rather have been doing.

Thank you for talking to me, and building a relationship with me, and for forgiving me when I said thoughtless, unkind things. Even when at times I wasn't sorry.

I'm sorry now.

Thank you for saying sorry when you were wrong, thank you for showing me how to apologise with grace.

Thank you for the nights you spent awake with me, when I was small, and thank you for the nights you spent awake praying for me when I was older, and was out with a boy. Those prayers are part of the reason why that boy is my husband.

Thank you that fear of your righteous anger, stopped me from doing many stupid things.

Thank you for making your house a home, and for making friends with that boy, and making him comfortable in your home. The time and energy you spent will be repaid with time spent with your grandchildren.

Thank you for living out your faith, and helping me to make it my own.

Thank you for being the kind of wife I want to be.

Thank you for your wisdom, your kindness, your gracefulness, your discernment, and your love.

Thank you for being my friend.

I get it now.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:

Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:28-30

This just sums it all up

Just a thought

I had a mole removed a couple of days ago. It wasn't anything drastic. I have a family history of minor skin cancers, and very fair skin, so I have started getting my skin checked early. This mole wasn't even that worrying, it was just a little dark, and my GP is very thorough and cautions, so we decided to just get it removed.

It was on the top of my hand, just near the thumb. The removal was an easy, very straightforward process. But the waterproof dressing that I was supposed to keep on for 48 hours wouldn't stay on, since it was such an awkward spot. So, not long after it was removed, the dressing came off, and I just started using band-aids. And then not long after that, I didn't even worry about the band-aid.

Because the scar is in such a visible spot, I've looked at it a lot. A wound, which was open and visible in between the stitches, has slowly closed. The skin has quietly just been knitting itself back together, healing. It has hurt a little, but the pain hasn't been that bad.  In a few more days I can have the stitches taken out, and then before you know it, the whole thing will have healed, and unless you look closely at the scar, you'd never even know there was a wound there.




If my God, is so amazingly gracious, that he can make a tiny little cut on my hand heal so well like that, how much more care will he take with all of the big things that hurt me? He created our bodies to regenerate and restore themselves so cleverly. He truly is an omnipresent, awe-inspiring, being. Why do we concern ourselves so much with things that we have no control over? He is God. Just as he heals our bodies, so will be fix our troubles. It's not always a pleasant process. But it is for our good. He is always faithful, he always does what is best. He is God. And I need to let him be.