29 and 11

I realised the other day that I haven't written too much lately about the kids. Which is a shame, because they are pretty great. So I thought I'd do an update on where my two cheeky monkey's are at lately.

Georgie. Where do I start? She is almost 2 and a half. She is bright and clever and independent. She is always a couple of steps ahead of me, and I swear some days I can just see the wheels turning in her little head. She is such a little mama. She 'mothers' poor Charlie to death at times, but she is also so incredibly helpful, and such a little mimic, and is terribly funny!

 

 She is on her way to being toilet trained, and wears undies almost all of the time now, and is only still in nappies when she sleeps. And oh, how she loves to swim! Every time we step foot in a pool I get comments about how good at swimming she is, how much she loves it, or how enthusiastic she is. I swear she is part dolphin. We have just started swimming lessons this term and she loves it! She is one of the very youngest in her class, but she holds her own with the bigger kids. She is getting very capable in the water now, and my only trouble is making sure she is not too capable. She does have a tendency to just jump in, whether someone is ready to help her or not! But she is a good little swimmer.

 

 She loves routine. She loves to dance, and is turning into a little chatterbox. She is also turning into a real little girl, loves to dress in 'pretty dresses' and is getting so beautiful. She is my girl, and she is lovely.

And Charlie. How I adore my boy! He is the most awesome little baby boy in the world!

He is so sweet, and cuddly. But he can also be a little ball of mischief as well. He is 11 months old now, (almost 1!) outgrowing a lot of his soft baby chubbiness and he is starting to get a lot more muscular. He is standing up on everything and his favourite thing to do is push around kitchen chairs, walking behind them and making a tremendous noise. He will be walking soon. He also LOVES  food with a passion, especially big people food!

 He is a practically perfect baby and has been sleeping the night through since he was about 6 months old. He has basically ruined me for another baby, should we ever have one. He tends to be quite cheerful most of the time, and rarely gets grumpy. Mind you, when he is grumpy he will sometimes hit and pull hair and lash out a little. His philosophy seems to be "If I'm unhappy, I'm going to tell the whole world about it and make them unhappy too!" It will be interesting to see if he sticks with that one as he gets older! It's definitely a good thing he is rarely cranky! Before I had him I wasn't too sure about being a mummy of boys, but he has made me so incredibly grateful to God for a son. Because I love this kid to bits.

We have been jogging along steadily. We are hanging out for holidays, and a break. This last week has seen a bit more limping (it's been a rough week). But for the most part, we are doing okay. I am doing much better, and my bad days are not so bad. And, though we have our struggles and our difficulties, life with these guys is pretty good.

Small is okay

As I was busy tidying the house yesterday, getting exasperated at the fact that I would clean an area, only to come back two minutes later to find that tiny people had made yet another mess...  I thought about how small my life is.

My world is quite insulated at the moment. The bigger picture is kind of hazy. I find I am pouring all my time, and my energy, into so many things that feel very, very unimportant in the grand scheme of things. And it feels like so much of what I do just doesn't last. Cooking, cleaning, cuddling, washing, disciplining, entertaining, teaching... then go to bed and re-do it all again tomorrow.

My life is very small. Very insulated.

I get why that can be a bad thing. I don't think it's a good idea to get too caught up in housework, or other unimportant things. I sometimes question what exactly it is I do. Am I just wife and a mother? And why is that a problem... why the just? I think it's so easy to judge myself by society's standards. And so I continue to expect more from myself. If I am a stay at home Mum, I can't possibly just look after my family and my house. Surely I should do more! I should be working part time, or be on all sorts of committee's, or do something crafty, or be fundraising to feed the homeless, or something! Surely I am a useless drain on society unless I am doing more than being a stay-at-home-mum?

But I have this theory, that if more people in the world focused on their own little patch of the earth, making it better, taking care of the people they are closest to.... the world would be a much nicer place to live in.

And so right now, if all I can manage is to care for my family, a few chosen friends and the day-to-day running of my household.... that's okay. I'm not trying to put down the people who do lots of extra stuff. I know that I could stand to be more community minded, and I'm aware that it is possible to become too insulated and ignorant of the world and it's problems. There are people who can do more than I can. I really believe that balance is the key.

But at the same time, I'm not willing to sacrifice the needs of myself and my family for the 'greater good' (whatever that is?). I put a lot of work into my relationships, and into trying to meet the
needs of the people I love. Because I think it's important. For example I think if more spouses were more emotionally available, the divorce rate, and therefore the amount of broken families in this world, would be significantly lower. I don't subscribe to the idea that any idiot can be a mother. You only need to go have a chat to somebody working within the Department of Child Safety to see that.

I can't change the world. Really, I'm too small. I can't control other people, and make peace in the middle east. And I can't stop bad stuff from happening to good people. But I can pray, and be aware. And I can control me. My attitude, the way I respond when other people hurt me. I can work hard to make sure that people who have direct contact with me, (hopefully) will come away richer because of it. So much of the time, I can't do anything about other people's behaviour, or beliefs. But I can take care of my own. And I can do the best I can, even if it's in a very small way.

I get it now

Dear Mum,

Thank you.

Thank you for the hours spent washing dishes.

Thank you for cooking me so much good nutritious food, and making sure I never went to bed hungry (unless I deserved to!).

Thank you for the endless washing, and folding and ironing, because you wanted me to look my best.

Thank you for making my bed, and tidying my room, and vacuuming and mopping and dusting.

Thank you for making me learn how to do it for myself and for showing me why it was important. Thank you for showing me how to take care of others.

Thank you for driving me around to places I wanted to go, when you had plenty of other things you would rather have been doing.

Thank you for talking to me, and building a relationship with me, and for forgiving me when I said thoughtless, unkind things. Even when at times I wasn't sorry.

I'm sorry now.

Thank you for saying sorry when you were wrong, thank you for showing me how to apologise with grace.

Thank you for the nights you spent awake with me, when I was small, and thank you for the nights you spent awake praying for me when I was older, and was out with a boy. Those prayers are part of the reason why that boy is my husband.

Thank you that fear of your righteous anger, stopped me from doing many stupid things.

Thank you for making your house a home, and for making friends with that boy, and making him comfortable in your home. The time and energy you spent will be repaid with time spent with your grandchildren.

Thank you for living out your faith, and helping me to make it my own.

Thank you for being the kind of wife I want to be.

Thank you for your wisdom, your kindness, your gracefulness, your discernment, and your love.

Thank you for being my friend.

I get it now.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:

Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:28-30

This just sums it all up

Just a thought

I had a mole removed a couple of days ago. It wasn't anything drastic. I have a family history of minor skin cancers, and very fair skin, so I have started getting my skin checked early. This mole wasn't even that worrying, it was just a little dark, and my GP is very thorough and cautions, so we decided to just get it removed.

It was on the top of my hand, just near the thumb. The removal was an easy, very straightforward process. But the waterproof dressing that I was supposed to keep on for 48 hours wouldn't stay on, since it was such an awkward spot. So, not long after it was removed, the dressing came off, and I just started using band-aids. And then not long after that, I didn't even worry about the band-aid.

Because the scar is in such a visible spot, I've looked at it a lot. A wound, which was open and visible in between the stitches, has slowly closed. The skin has quietly just been knitting itself back together, healing. It has hurt a little, but the pain hasn't been that bad.  In a few more days I can have the stitches taken out, and then before you know it, the whole thing will have healed, and unless you look closely at the scar, you'd never even know there was a wound there.




If my God, is so amazingly gracious, that he can make a tiny little cut on my hand heal so well like that, how much more care will he take with all of the big things that hurt me? He created our bodies to regenerate and restore themselves so cleverly. He truly is an omnipresent, awe-inspiring, being. Why do we concern ourselves so much with things that we have no control over? He is God. Just as he heals our bodies, so will be fix our troubles. It's not always a pleasant process. But it is for our good. He is always faithful, he always does what is best. He is God. And I need to let him be.

on sharing, and oversharing

There are times when I question, "Why on earth am I sharing so much, some of my most innermost thoughts and feelings, with the whole world, on the internet?"

And honestly, I have no idea.

If you think about it logically, it really doesn't sound like the smartest idea. Why lay your heart stripped bare for all to see?

At times, it feels stupid. Like I say too much self-centered introspective rubbish. Like I say things that should be left unsaid. But I don't sometimes. For every words written, for every post, there are a thousand more that could be shared, and I choose not to. It's icebergs all over again. However, the things I do share, I share because of the connection. I love writing and knowing that somebody gets what I am trying to say. I love finding out that other people think and feel and act the same way I do. I love finding out that I'm not crazy. I write to know that this is normal. Or not normal... but it doesn't make me the most despicable person in the world either. And I write to make memories for my babies, and for me.

I write because I love it. I write because so often I don't have the words. Especially when it comes to the bad times, it can feel like there's a gag over my mouth. The words won't come out. Sometimes I don't want to share because I am terrified of being anyone's burden. But communication is one of the keys to breaking free of these chains. When I write, and the people I love read it, they can help. Be it by starting conversations, offering assistance in practical ways, or even just praying. I believe that evil prospers through silence. When I share (and overshare) I am trying not to give the darkness a foothold.

But I have also been made aware that much of the time I can make things seem worse than they are. When I write about the bad times, I ought to make it clear that they are far and few between. For the majority of the time, everything is okay. So okay in fact, that I sometimes feel guilty asking for (and receiving) help. I know that there are many different types of depression, and I know that what I am suffering from is not as bad as it gets.

I also want to make it clear that my children are safe. They have always been safe. They always will be safe. If I ever got to the point where I could not adequately care for them, there are many people who would step in and see to it that they were okay. But I am a long way from that ever happening. And (God willing) I don't foresee that ever happening

So. The reason I write isn't really to draw attention to myself. I'm not trying to over-dramatize how things are, and I never intend to make people feel sorry for me. I am just trying to get better, and communicate, the best way I can. And I hope that by writing about the bleak times, maybe this can help another Christian Mum with Post-natal-depression. That she can know that it is possible to feel this way, and still hold onto God, and be held by him.

A good mum

I am learning.

Always I try. To be that elusive, ethereal, mystical being.

A good mum.

But I am discovering, that actually, she is different than I thought. She is not who she appears to be. I am learning, many, many things about the good mum.

That she doesn't have to do painting, or craft, or drawing.

That her children measure her by the depth of her love, not the depth of her folding pile.

It it doesn't matter how many mistakes she makes. 

That she needs to take better care of herself.

That she is allowed to not love every minute of her life.

It doesn't matter what her children eat sometimes. It just matters that they have food in their tummies.

That it's okay to have bad days... and not every day is a bad one... sometimes she can have some pretty great days too!

That a good mother is someone who makes sure that her children are cared for... even if occasionally, that means it is better if she is not the one doing the caring.

Her children need to see her smile.

That regardless of whether or not she feels like a good mother- by simply continuing to try to keep her head up, and get on with the job- she is one. And He who made her a mother and blessed her with these children will always help her. He qualifies the called.

 

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