How to deal

I am still battling. Every morning, I still have to kind of force myself to face the day. Goodness I am looking forward to the day when just being, is not a hard task. But in the meantime, I am trying really hard to figure out what helps.

Music. It makes me feel. And I really really need to feel. Listening to music, for me, makes me feel a bit like a person who is coming up for air after being underwater for a really long time. Music helps me get along with those jobs that I just hate. It speaks to my soul. It helps me talk to god. It just helps.

Words. I have always loved words. When I was younger, I can remember picking up the bottles of toilet cleaner when I was in the bathroom, and reading the bottles. Just because. I love the way words help keep my head occupied, I love the way stories help. Words help keep my mind busy so that it can't think too much. I have this thing for song lyrics. I remember an awful lot of words. They seem to get tattooed onto my brain. One day I want to put words together and see them print. I want to make people think and feel with my words. I hope I figure out how to one day.

Exercise helps too. A lot. Lately I have been riding my bike. Shane and I are training to do a bike race in September. I am only planning to do the 10k. But I have been doing up to 20k every second day lately. It makes me proud to make my body move. It makes me grateful that I have a body that does move. There are many many things I don't like about my body. But I like that it is quite strong. It is good for me to keep moving. It helps my head a lot. 

Bible. I have been reading my bible like never before. I wouldn't say it is easy. And sometimes I still lapse. But I have been reading it more than ever before. Even though I have no idea how to translate everything I read into my own life, and when I do, I screw it up. For example. It's all good to read 1 Peter 3:8. Where the bible says do not repay insult with insult, and I know it applies to me. But still, the  next morning when someone says something and I'm in a bad mood, I can promise you the words out of my mouth are not nice. I think it's harder when you try to change to be honest. I think I will always be a work in progress. And often the work is done wrong, because I rush ahead of the builder, thinking I know where he's going. Of course I don't, and we have to waste a lot of time redoing my mistakes. But still, change is happening.

I'm glad God loves me. 

For now, I'm just trying to focus on the basics. I know He is with me, and I will just continue to do the best I can. 

Making moments memories

I've had this stirring inside me lately, to get my words out. I lost my blogging mojo. Big time. I was almost thinking about pulling the plug here completely. But I don't think I want to anymore.

For a long time, I loved blogging. I wrote stories about my little family and it was good. But then I started to watch the stats, and I got a little excited, and then I got a bit consumed. I started to get blog envy (a truly terrible thing). Not long after that, I went to a dark place, and blogging became a bit of a lifeboat. Slowly the darkness was edged out by the light. But then I didn't know what to write anymore. I didn't quite know how. And so I stopped.

I think I would like to start again. I want to write more stories. I want to write down the memories. I've been reading back over old entries, and remembering. My writing invokes my memories like nothing else. I don't need to be the best, or the cleverest, or the funniest. I just need to write, for me and mine. And even though there is still struggle, and more often than not, there is limping from one disaster to the next, occasionally there is running, and hopping, and skipping. And it is glorious. So, I'm going to try again.  Because these moments need to be memories.