A bit of honesty...

Today, after all my excitement and big thinking, I have un-enrolled in my nursing degree. My feelings are a little... mixed, about it all.

I know it's right, I'm sure it's right. But still.

I still want to do it, someday I think. I would like to be a nurse. But not right now. I knew, I think I always knew that something about it all just wasn't sitting right. I probably tried to ignore that not-rightness for a while. But this morning, I took the kids for a walk, and really, really talked to God for the first time in a long time. And I just got that knowledge, (that still small voice) You need to un-enroll in university.

If I'm being really, really honest about it all. Which, lets face it, has always been my goal in this blog. I don't think I had my priorities right. I would like to be a nurse, or do something one day. But much of this stemmed from me searching for some kind of validation, I guess.

Because this. My life. So, so much of it is really unrewarding. I spend so many moments of my life feeling inadequate, feeling frustrated, feeling guilty. I often feel like I am doing so many, many things wrong in this parenting gig, and often I struggle to see the bigger picture.  I'd like to feel important. Like who I am, what I do, what I contribute to the world matters. And I don't really get that feeling from motherhood. Often, I don't feel like I am enough.  I thought I could get that feeling from doing a little bit of something extra that was for me. Honestly I guess I really and truly believed that that piece of paper I would work to achieve would make me matter more. And that's a lie. I know it. But at times it feels true. 

I didn't take into account what would be best for my family, for my little people, for my husband. In different circumstances it could work. It might have been more possible if it was a different kind of study, one that didn't have so much prac involved. It might have been easier if we lived somewhere different, if my kids were older. It certainly is possible. But right now it wouldn't have been what is best.

Often the task of raising my babies feels like something that is too hard, and often it feels like it should be my turn to put my own needs first. But I know that is my own selfish nature talking, and it is not the one that will lead me the right way. I am in a position where I am blessed enough to be able to stay home and look after my children. It might be different if I wasn't. Even though I feel some days that there is space in my life for study and a career.... If I want to be the mother I am supposed to be, if I want to be the person that God created me to be, right now, in my life? There just isn't.

This isn't easy. But really, neither was study going to be. I had enrolled in my courses for the semester and I was excited, but it was a kind of nervous, frantic excitement. It didn't feel peaceful, or right. It was just making me feel overwhelmed, and stressed.

I need to learn how to be more disciplined in what I do now, before I even think about trying to add more into my life. I need to be mindful, and have purpose in raising these tiny humans. Not just lurch from one disaster to the next. I need to learn how to do more than survive. I need to wait on God's perfect timing, not rush ahead and try to pretend like I know better than He does. I need to do my best with what I have been given now, not act like a petulant child who wants to go on and do something else because the task in front of them seems too hard.

I need to believe that I am enough. That who He is makes me enough. That being who He has called me to be is enough. I don't want to be lied to by the world, and fall into the trap of believing that a woman who spends her days looking after her children and her household has no value. Who I am, what I do, has value. Because of Him.

Lessons learned in parenting

Teaching your child how to apologise, by being the first one to say sorry.

This one and I, we have had a few issues this week. Sometimes it's her fault, sometimes it's mine. She has been throwing all kinds of attitude my way, and has been having some really rough nights. Consequently, so have I. I've been really grumpy and much less patient. We are all a bit tired and run down. 

I need to remember that being three and a half years old can be really, really hard work.

Afternoon light

 

Today we took the kids to ride their bikes to the park. Georgie is getting so good at riding her bike "by her own self." Charlie was more intent on pushing Georgie on the bike than riding his own. I took a few photos on Shane's phone, and they are blurry and out of focus because I was too busy watching my children grow to worry myself with getting the perfect shot. The sun was golden, the air was fresh, and my people were happy. It was a good day to be alive.

Finding joy

Every day comes with it's own set of unique challenges and difficulties. But every day also brings at least one little nugget of joy. This year, I want to start hunting the joy more, and I want to record it. My kids really are amazingly hilarious at times, and I want to remember how funny they are.

So. This morning Charlie had a bit of nappy rash owing to the fact that he spent a fair portion of the day yesterday in a wet swim nappy. We had our big blow-up pool set up and the kids had a ball. Charlie has managed to live his two and a bit years on this earth without getting nappy rash very often. So this morning when I was changing his nappy he was crying because it was hurting as I put the cream on. In the midst of his tears he asking "Ice pack!?"  "Ice pack, bottom, mummy?!" It was so very cute. 

Yesterday, while Georgie was eating her dinner, she was stung by a wasp. (It was a bit random) she started screaming, and I thought her dinner must have been too hot. But then we realised she had a bite on her chest, and we saw a wasp flying around the kitchen. The poor darling, it must've really hurt. Anyway, later that night when she was going to bed and we were praying, thanking God for the people we love and the things we had done, she had to thank God for the bug that bit her. I think there could be a lesson in that.

I do love them.

News

Goodness, there is just so much I could write about. I need to write about how cute my boy is now that he is two, how much my girl has grown, and how she is turning into a delightful little person. I need to write down some of the crazy and sad that is in my head sometime, and I need to write about how blessed I am, how grateful I am for so many precious people in my life. There are lots of posts I have written inside my head that have never made it past my fingertips. Oh, there are so many, many things I need to tell you. But for now, I will tell you this.

I have been accepted into University to study Nursing. To be honest I am terrified. I am scared I don't have the mental capacity to do the study, and I am not sure that I am cut out to be a nurse. Some of the feedback I have received from those around me has been.... Less than positive, which is a bit hard.  I  am only going to be studying part time, but still, I am not sure how on earth I am going to manage to study and navigate clinical placements while juggling motherhood. There is so much that is scary and uncertain, and I am really not confident about this at all.

But I really really want it do it.

I would like to be a nurse. I find people and their bodies and their inner workings really fascinating. I want to help people. I like to be busy, I like practical, and I like hands-on. I want to help people. I would like to have a skill that is useful, and I want to be able to earn money and help support my family one day. I would really like to start using my head, for something that entirely unrelated to mothering, or housework. I have no idea how this year is going to go, and I am not sure if this is what I am supposed to be doing, but I am really hoping that if it's not, then it might help put me in the way of whatever it is I am supposed to do. I am excited, and really nervous. 

And so, we will just see.