Lonely

Most of the time, my life is good. And I know it. I appreciate the fact that I am better off than about 90% of the world's population.

But on days like today, all I know is I'm lonely.

I hate having my husband away.

I feel so useless staying at home.

I know that being a Mum is a very important job. But at the same time, is it all I am? Because at times I feel.... unfulfilled. I feel horrible for saying that. But there it is.

Maybe it's because I only have one child. Maybe with more children the feeling will go away and I'll feel like I'm achieving more.

I really do think that this, this being a stay-at-home-mum, is of value. I believe that I am doing something, giving my child something that is so worthwhile.

But at times, like now, I don't feel it.

I've mentioned it before, how I didn't think earning money defined me. And I don't. But when me staying at home means my husband works so hard, it just doesn't sit well. Sometimes, he is away for weeks on end, with only weekends at home in between. We could change. We could downsize. Live on less. But really if I'm honest, the problem also comes from the fact that Shane's work isn't just about money. He also works for his family's business. So it's much more complicated than a regular job.

His parents have helped us out an awful lot over the years. And Shane does value the fact that he has gotten to know his Father so well. He has spent a lot of time with his Dad. They have gotten to know each other, and respect one another as men. There are so many men who would give anything for more time with their Dad, and Shane knows that. But at the same time, there is also a lot of baggage that is involved when you work with family. There is a very high cost. And some days it's all just too hard.

Shane often says, if he dies tomorrow he would be so disappointed. He wouldn't have spent as much time with us as he could have. And that hurts. We are only looking at this, his current work situation, as being a very short-term thing, in terms of how long you have to live. But at the same time, we don't know the number of our days. And we want to spend as many of them as we can together as family.

I am so incredibly grateful for Georgina. She is so much sunshine in my life. Loving her, looking after he, makes me smile constantly and I'm so glad for that.

But it too, comes with a cost. It means that I have a lot of space. Sometimes too much. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes she can drive me practically insane. But, many of the things I do as a Mum right now, they don't necessarily require much, intellectually, of me. So at times, I have a lot of time to think. To over-think.

I wish I could do something more that challenged me a little you know? I don't want to be crazy-busy and not be able to stop and smell the roses, but at the same time, you can only smell so many roses.

I want to get my mind busier.

I don't know how yet, and I don't know that now is the right time to do anything. But I wish I did. And I wish I knew how to be okay with being alone every night. With waking up alone every morning. It's not really a gap that other people can fill either. I am glad to live near family and have friends. But they can only help so much. And at the end of the day other people go back to their own houses and families.

I hate the late afternoons. When the clock hits about 5:30pm or so, Georgie needs to be home, having dinner, going to bed. Most afternoons find me at Mum's. And oh, how I dread going home. Some days it is too hard, going back to a cold empty house. Having to be busy, busy getting Georgie ready for bed. I can't wait to put her to bed at night, to have space, but at the same time I hate it, because I miss her company.

Maybe that's why I've run with blogging so much. It's a chance, an opportunity, to get words out. To feel like I am still part of the world and not completely disconnected. To communicate and feel like I actually have something of value to offer. At least I can talk to Shane on the phone often. At least I have family. Sometimes the space is nice, I can have a bath and read at night. But sometimes it's too quiet. I know people who are desperate for what I've got. But knowing you have what others crave doesn't make what you have any easier.

Sometimes it's just not enough.

I am still lonely.

Wordless Wednesday: Grumpy Baby

On Monday Georgie was so grumpy that I would have just loved to pack her off to spend the day with her Daddy at work. Good idea, yes?

I've linked up with My little Drummer Boy for this one.

My Place and Yours: Cookbooks

Today's theme over at My Place and Yours is Cookbooks.

My cookbooks used to take pride of place in my pretty bookshelf.

But I ended up moving them because they were in the bottom shelves and somebody, (not mentioning any names) decided that when she got mobile, it was a good idea to rip them and eat them- maybe the pictures looked too good to resist? Consequently, the bottom shelves became toy shelves and now my cookbooks live here.

 

In my coffee table drawer. They are a bit squished, and hard to get to, but at least they're safe.

 

That is all my books except these two, which are used so regularly that they have to live in the kitchen. The first is my Day to Day cookery, which I've mentioned before, and the second is just a folder, but it holds all my favourite recipes that I've copied or printed off the internet or gotten a friend to write down. I would be very sad to lose it.

So that's where my cookbooks are kept. Why not hop on over to Kate and Michael + 3 and play along?

King or Cripple

This song is by Delirious? a band I grew up with. They no longer produce music and I'm so glad I got to see them live before they finished up. I love this song- the music just gets me you know? And the lyrics are very powerful.

When I am a Mum I will never...

Oh, how those words mock me now!

Not that I actually ever said them (I wasn't quite that stupid) but I thought them. Boy did I think them!

When I was going to be a Mum I was never going to:

Let my children eat junk food. It was going to be wholesome and nutritious all the way.
Let my children eat while roaming the house. It was to be the high chair or hungry.
Leave my children to cry in bed.
Use food as a distraction to keep my children quiet.
Be one of those mothers who let their child cry and cry in the supermarket while they ignored them. (I have since learned that the ignore method is actually not bad. Much better than the kill-them-now-method, at any rate.)

It wasn't just the things that I wasn't going to do either, I had many grandiose plans for my children's learning and development that were going to be put into practice too.

We were going to read stories ever day.
We were going to do craft and paint activities often (at last count, Georgie has painted once)
We were not going to watch any television until the child was at least 3. (Baby Einstein doesn't count though, right?)
I was going to watch my child closely, and never let her eat anything gross. (Ha!)


Turns out my theories were great, but they were just that. Theories. And, pre-baby Robyn, had never met her children. Or lived post-baby Robyn's life.

Now I know better. I know that one Sao can last for approximately one load of hanging out washing, or one blog post.  I know that leaving Georgie to cry is not going to hurt her, but I might sometimes if I don't go and take five minutes to breathe. I know that there are so many, many things that are just not worth stressing over.

I'm a lot less judgmental of other Mummies now. I mean, sure I can judge with the best of them- and I still do sometimes. But I'm learning that most of the time, when there's a Mother hanging onto a crying child with one hand, and losing her shiz while trying frantically to pick up the toys that the child has just broken with the other- that maybe she's just having a bad day. It does not necessarily mean that she is a bad Mother. And some days, we just all need a break.

Insert swear word here....

Image found here

 Today has been one of those days.

Today has been one of those days when you wake up to a dog tap, tap, tapping on your door letting you know it needs to go outside. Early. Then when you walk over to open the blinds, congratulating yourself on the fact that you let the dog out before she had an accident on the floor, you step in a puddle in the kitchen. You then glare at the other dog (who is not yours!) sitting in it's bed, watching you.

Today has been one of those days when you think, 'Oh well, since the baby is still asleep and I've started off badly, I'll make myself a poached egg for breakfast. That ought to cheer me up" Then, as you're sitting down in front on the computer about to catch up on your social media addiction with your egg on toast and cup of tea, you knock over your plate and tip said egg on the floor. On the white carpeted floor. Sunny side down. And you like your eggs runny. Side note: who the hell invented white carpet? I would like to kick both the person who invented white carpet, and the person who owned this house before us and bought white carpet!

Then, as you sit down to breakfast a second time, the baby wakes up.

Today is one of those days when you have playgroup on, and you'd really really like to stay home and just seethe, except, you have the key and the toys for playgroup. So staying at home isn't an option.

Today is one of those days when the dishes which were piling up yesterday, (and you were going to do them but bed was a better option) have somehow reached astronomical proportions today. It is a day when your house looks like a brothel (coincidentally, I've always wondered about that expression. I've never actually seen a brothel, but I would imagine that they can't be that dirty)

Today is one of those days when you are so grumpy at the world you just want to go back to bed, a day when you count the hours until your baby will go down for her nap because all day she crawls around the house making a noise like a grumpy, hungry calf, a day when you just want to go outside and yell and scream really loudly.

A day when the best thing that can be said about it, is that it will be over.

Tasty Tuesdays: Berry and Marscarpone Tart

On the weekend there was a fundraiser for Chaplaincy. It was a dessert night, so I made a Berry and Marscarpone tart. It is such a fun dessert to make! I love berries, and it's one of those desserts that seems very impressive, but is actually pretty easy to make. It's not good for you at all, so I only tend to make it for special occasions, because otherwise it is entirely possible that I could eat the whole thing!

Berry and Marscarpone Tart

For the pastry:

I always make the Biscuit Pastry from the Day to Day Cookery Book. It's the cookbook I follow for so much of my basic cooking. You could always make it even easier for yourself and buy a pastry shell but I've never had much trouble making pastry, although I know some people always seem to. My Grandma complained that she could never make a decent pastry. I also prefer making my own so you can make a nice flat-bottomed tart, instead of a pie shape one- but I'm sure it will taste great either way!

60g butter
1/3 cup white sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup plain flour
3/4 cup SR Flour
2 tbs cornflour

Beat butter and sugar to a cream, then add the egg and beat well. Then add the flours gradually to make a stiff paste. Knead well on a floured surface. Then wrap in plastic wrap and chill for 30 minutes. Roll out and use as required. Bake in moderate oven until golden.

 

For the Marscarpone cream:

250g tub marscarpone

1/3 cup double cream

1/4 cup white sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Grated lemon rind

Combine all ingredients in a bowl with an electric mixer. 

 

 

Then remove the tart from it's tin, place on a serving plate, and spread the cream filling into the tart shell.

 

 

 Then wash and chop your berries, I used a combination of strawberries, raspberries and blueberries.

 

At this point your baby (if you have one) may be doing something like this.

 

Then you get to decorate the tart with the berries.In my opinion the more berries you use, the better!

 

Finally, you can warm some strawberry jam and spread it in your berries with a pastry brush to give the berries a nice glaze if you want to. And voila! A beautiful berry tart that is sure to impress! 

 I must admit that this tart is probably better to be made in the summer months- my berries were quite nice, (especially considering the season) but they were not cheap! And it's the type of recipe that requires fresh berries. It really is a beautiful tart though- I hope you enjoy it!

My place and yours- backyard...

For something different, I'm linking up with Katie over at Kate and Micheal + 3 for My place and yours. Today's theme is backyard. So I ducked outside and took a picture of ours.

It's a little foggy today

I probably could have made the yard look a bit nicer if I'd moved the hose and taken the washing in... but you know. That's what it looks like most of the time. In that back left-hand corner, there will one day be a  play fort with swings for Georgie and Number 2 to play in. We just have to wait for Daddy to make it when he gets a good stretch of time off one day! (He's a pretty good Daddy)

Just had to share...

I came across this on Facebook, and it was too good not to share!

Being a kid again

Beauty and The Beast is my favourite Disney movie. It's just so great. I think it may have been the first Disney I ever watched, and I loved it (even though the Beast used to scare me). They don't quite make them like they used to do they? This song in it is probably my favourite in the film, and it just reminds me of my town. It may not be perfect, but sometimes I really do like the small town thing. I like being able to go for a walk and wave at every second person. It's very... friendly, and safe. Watching this for me, is kind of like being a kid again.

So, which Disney is your favourite?

Australia. Today.

I've just read a very very interesting article in the Herald Sun, and it is so good I don't want to say anything more but just give you a link. It's really worth a read.

Find it here.

Tasty Tuesdays: Bacon and zucchini quiche/muffin thingies

This recipe is one of my favourites. It started as a Zucchini Slice, but I tweaked it a little. It's one of the nicest eggy recipes I've come across, it's light, and very quick and easy to prepare. I really should come up with a more creative name, but you can feel free to come up with a better one and pass the recipe off as your own! :)

Bacon and Zucchini quiche/muffin thingies

Ingredients:

6 eggs
1 cup Self-Raising flour
Salt and Pepper
2 grated Zucchini's
1 grated carrot
125g tin corn kernels
1 cup grated cheese, plus extra for the top
6 slices bacon
1 onion, sliced
1/4 cup olive oil

This recipe is a bit of throw-together one. I regularly substitute ham for the bacon. I also just tend to use whatever ingredients I have in the house at the time. The vegetables are all negotiable (aside from the zucchini and onion). I have also used mushroom, capsicum and tomatoes which work nicely too.

First, Preheat the oven to about 180, and grease some muffin tins (really well!). Crack the 6 eggs into a bowl and beat them.

Then, add the flour and salt and pepper and mix thouroughly.

Then add the zucchini (making sure you squeeze out the excess water- it's something I never used to bother with, but it does make a difference!), then add the carrot, onion, bacon, corn, oil, and cheese. If you've got lots of time and don't mind washing up, you can fry your bacon and onion first. It makes it taste just that little bit nicer, but it isn't necessary.

As you can see, I used ham this time- also the zucchini is in there, it's just under everything else!

Then give it a quick stir (it really doesn't need to be over mixed)

And pop it into some greased muffin trays. You can also just put it into a slice dish, and make a regular quiche.

They take about 15-20 minutes.

I forgot to take a photo of the finished product looking all pretty on a plate ready for playgroup, but don't let that stop you from making them, they are really yummy! I make them often, for breakfast, for Shane's lunchbox, for morning tea's. They're very light and easy- enjoy!

What have you been up to lately?

If there's one question I hate, that's it.

I hate it when you run into an old friend or acquaintance from pre-baby days, and you do the whole "Haven't seen you in ages, How are you going, Isn't she cute?..... What have you been up to lately?" routine.

Hate it.

Because I can't exactly put my finger on why, but I always feel kind of... unworthy, for want of a better term.

I just feel so... negative, when I get the dreaded question, and reply "Oh, I'm staying at home with Georgie at the moment, and she's keeping me pretty busy!" I just feel like I watch people's interest plummet. And I feel like they are thinking, 'Is that all?"

I don't know if it comes from them or me. I honestly don't think that I think that there is anything wrong with staying at home with my children- I am so glad that I can do it! But at the same time, something about it just feels like it is a lesser choice in the eyes of the world, you know?

Before I had Georgie, when I got the question and I told people about my job, they would ask more questions, I would elaborate.... and yet it was still about kids! I worked in childcare, so I was still doing very similar tasks to the ones I am doing now, but for some reason it didn't seem to isolate me the way being a stay at home Mummy does.

Maybe it does come from me, but at the same time you hardly want to go into details about the endless cleaning, cooking, playing, bathing, sleeping cycle, do you?  But the fact is, at the moment, that is an awful lot of my life. I have a baby, I'm growing another one. It's what I am at the moment.

But why does it feel so much less than if somebody just talks about their job?

Maybe I am just being overly-sensitive, maybe this stems from my feelings of inadequacy as a Mother. It does rankle a little sometimes that I am not earning anything. I wonder what is it about earning money that validated me? Or maybe it just comes from the fact that when I was working, I wasn't just working. I went to the gym, I was involved in local performing arts productions occasionally- my life was so much fuller (and yet, so, so much more empty).

Maybe these feeling will go away in time. But it's been a year of being a Mummy, and so far the feelings are still there. So, questions. If you are a stay at home Mum, do you feel this way too? Will these feelings ever go away or do they linger like a bad smell? And, do you think that this comes from society, and it's perception of stay at home Motherhood, or us?

A good day

I went grocery shopping yesterday, and realised that our big heavy-duty jogging (ha!) pram was in the boot of the car. So I decided to put the groceries in parcel pick up and get them later after I'd gone home and disposed of said pram.

Georgie and I did the groceries. She giggled and smiled at everyone she met, which is quite a change from the sullen, staring baby that used to go shopping with me. She made lots of old people smile and chat. It was good. We went through the checkout and I made the checkout chick's day by forgetting that I needed to put the groceries in parcel pick up until she was halfway through bagging them... but you know, such is life.

Then we went out to the car. And I couldn't find my keys. By this time Georgie was starting to get a little tired and was letting me know, so I was frantically searching every possible pocket, when I remembered. I attach my keys to the trolley.

It's a good idea in theory. I attach them to the metal bars behind Georgie so she can't eat them, and that way I don't lose them (again, ha!). I raced back inside but my trolley had already been taken to the bowels of the supermarket. So we went round to the parcel pick up area, and I buzzed the buzzer and waited an inordinate amount of time, praying that my keys would still be there. When the pick-up guy opened the door, I said, "I've done something a bit silly..." And he replied, "Your keys?" So we shared a laugh and he went and got them."I figured someone would be along shortly."

Thank You God!!

You know what? Sometimes the world is a really nice place to live.

It was a good day.

Wanna win some pretties?

Maxabella is having an awesome giveaway on her blog right now. The lucky winner will get a new dress, new shoes, and some pretty jewelery. You can enter it here.

But I'd appreciate it if you didn't, that way I have a better chance of winning!

Tasty Tuesdays: Greek Feast

Lately I have been craving Greek food. When we were in Brisbane last, we had dinner at an awesome little Greek restaurant in West End, and all week long I have been wanting what we ate there. So I tried my hand at re-creating it, and while it wasn't quite as good as theirs (when is it when you have to cook it yourself?) it was still pretty great!

The recipe has a few different components, they were, marinated lamb skewers, Greek salad, marinated grilled mushrooms, toasted pita bread with cucumber tzatziki, and a Greek antipasto mix (which I bought from Woolies). I'll start with the lamb.

Marinated Lamb Skewers

Ingredients:

500gms diced lamb (I used rump)
3 tbs lemon juice
3 tbs olive oil
salt and pepper
2 cloves of garlic
Fresh chopped mint
Soaked wooden skewers (or metal ones if you have them)

Combine all ingredients in a dish and then leave the lamb to marinate for at least 3 hours, or longer if you can.






Then, thread the lamb on the skewers, and grill for about 10 minutes on each side (depending on how rare you like your lamb).






Greek Salad

(This is pretty basic, but I'll still pop the recipe on here)

Ingredients:

Cos lettuce
Red Onion
Cucumber
Tomato
Pitted Kalamata Olives
Feta Cheese
Red Capsicum
Balsamic Vinegar

Chop all ingredients, combine and serve with Balsamic vinegar.


Marinated Grilled mushrooms


300g mushrooms (I used button mushrooms, but it doesn't really matter)
Diced red onion
1 clove garlic
Oregano
Balsamic Vinegar
Olive Oil
Salt

Pop mushrooms into a bowl and then pour over vinegar and oil, sprinkle with salt and oregano and then mix. Leave to marinate at least for 15 minutes, and then put on a greased tray and put under a high heat, grill until mushrooms get brown and lovely. Turn mushrooms half way through. It took about 10 minutes in my grill but grills can be different.


Toasted Pita bread with Cucumber Tzatziki

Toast a couple of pita breads under the grill and then chop into triangles. 

Tzatziki Ingredients:

150g Greek Yoghurt (I used Jalna Low fat Greek yoghurt)
Very Finely chopped cucumber (I used a quarter of a Lebanese cucumber)
1 clove Garlic
2 tsp Lemon Juice
Chopped mint

Combine all ingredients in a bowl, and you can adjust the measurements of the lemon and garlic to suit your taste.

The Greek antipasto mix I bought at Woolies just had semi-dried tomatoes, more feta, and kalamata olives in it.

The nicest way to eat this (I feel) is to put everything in the middle of the table and let people just help themselves. It probably isn't a kid-friendly dish, (unless your kids are older and eat everything) but it is so very yummy. The meal serves 4 adults, but you could probably increase the amount of lamb, especially if you're feeding men who like their meat. It's a good meal for entertaining and really nice when you want something really fresh! Enjoy!

Good times

Happy Birthday Georgie!

My little girl is one year old today.

It's kind of hard to believe. I think it's been the hardest year of my life.

But it's also been the best.

I love you Georgie

Birthday Cake is Good Mum!